Saturday, July 26, 2014

Well that was depressing...

I had a rather in depth post that I was working on for tonight...but then I got really really wrapped up in reading some very old emails (starting in 2005) that I didn't even know I had saved!  What a fun trip down memory lane!  It was soooo entertaining looking back on now that I know how we've all "grown up".  (It was the email address I created specifically for message boards and such so it's all online friends, though some have become face to face friends as well).  There were some who made a huge deal about how they wanted to be there for me always and never ever leave, who then mysteriously vanished and I haven't heard from them in YEARS!  Others are close friends today who I made repeated but rather pitiful attempts to push away every time I got nervous or anxious.  I had emails from some saying how they were giving up their foster license to focus on the kids they had.  Their family has doubled in size since through foster and adoption.  I came across one woman who rather obsessively told me I needed therapy.  Being the rebellious, drama infused lil brat I was at the time, I felt a need to continuously email her to complain about my life and give her the reasons I wasn't in therapy.  Some of these exchanges were like an on-going freakin soap opera!  Most of the time I was cringing watching my own reaction to things and how self-absorbed I really was back then.  But there were definitely times that even today I agree with me.  I was not the only drama infused brat! lol  Oh and then there was the woman I'd been exchanging emails with when I was going through a rough patch.  At one point she replied, "If only we lived in the same town so I could come be with you in person..."  Turns out, we do! lol  We must have just not asked each other back then.  I only remember getting to know her many years later, so I was really surprised to see a conversation from so long ago!

As I was scrolling through, I found an exchange I'd completely forgotten about with this incredibly kind, sweet woman.  We had met through craigslist of all places.  At the time I was trying to offer myself as a volunteer to help foster families since I wanted to pay it forward for what was given to me by my foster parents.  This woman didn't need my help, but emailed me just to thank me for my kind offer and for acknowledging foster parents.  I told her my reasons behind it and we got to talking.  She wanted to hear all about my experiences in care, and anything I could offer her as far as insights with her kids.  (She had 4 preschoolers at the time!  Way out of my league! lol).  Anyway, for a period of about 9 months she became one of my biggest cheerleaders.  It was while I was in school the first time around, and really struggling to finish.  My memories had just started to become clear to me, my PTSD symptoms were going crazy, and I had no clue how to handle any of it.  Doing homework and focusing in class (or even going to class) took a waaaay backseat.  It was all I could do to get through the day, and this woman was right there with me through it, emailing me and cheering me on, and just offering me the most understanding words ever.  She really wanted more than anything for me to come meet her family and spend time with them.  Easter was coming up, and she wanted to include me in all her family's holiday stuff.  (She's one of those that goes all out with coloring eggs and even leaving traces of "easter bunny fur").  It really upset her that I struggled with holidays so much and felt so alone, and she wanted to do everything she could to give me a safe place to be.

I was torn.  On the one hand I badly wanted that too.  On the other, I'd had mixed experiences with joining other people's families.  I had recently had a very negative experience with a similar situation with another online friend.  (I was already feeling nervous and out of place....always a struggle for me based on all my foster care experience and never really feeling "home"....and one of the relatives that was there said he wanted to get a family picture and was gathering everyone up.  I followed everyone in because it seemed like the thing to do, and he looked at me and said, "No, just the family."  I know he didn't mean anything by it but it was absolutely crushing to me.  I ran out of there and went home sobbing.  Did I mention I was in a very shaky emotional place at that time? lol).  Anyway...I really wanted to meet her...and she was even offering to cook my favorite foods....but I never did get up the courage to meet her.

Re-reading our exchanges just warmed my heart....though it made me sad to watch myself slowly fade away.  Granted I had good reason to fade away.  I was getting ready to graduate and move to a new state for a job.  As I read I started thinking, wouldn't it be cool to find this woman and surprise her?!  I doubt she'd remember me, but how fun would it be to email her, remind her who I am, and tell her about my new successful, sober self....probably even confident enough to meet her in person and hug her and thank her for everything she gave me.  I knew the email address I had for her was no longer current because last year my email address decided to spam everyone and the one to her was denied....(I guess spam can be useful! lol).  I went to google to see what I could find.  I typed in her name, and the first thing that popped up was "obituary".  I thought, "That must be someone else!" but her name is pretty unique.  Not likely that there'd be two in the same area.  She had told me how old she was back when we were talking, so I started trying to use the obit years and do the math....it seemed to match up. Ugh.  I went to the funeral home site where you can leave comments, and sure enough they were all addressed to her husband.  Ugh.  She died in 2012.  I couldn't find anything that said what happened to her.  She was only 47.

As I said, We only talked for about 9 months back in 2006...I'm sure she'd long since forgotten about me.  But she'd told me multiple times in emails, even when I wasn't doing well writing her back, that she was regularly thinking about me and praying for me.  Who knows what she would've said had I had the chance to talk to her again.  But it just goes to show, you just can't wait for things in life.  I'm so bad about putting things off because I'm just not sure if I can handle it.  I put off meeting her, and now I never will.  I wonder what else I've put off because I've sat pacing in insecurity rather than going out and trying.  Maybe this sudden need to read through old emails tonight was a sign for me to stop being afraid and get out and live.  That's definitely what I've been needing to hear.

It's really sad to me to think that the world lost such a caring soul so early.  I also know they were trying so hard to be able to adopt kids, and from what I could gather from the comments on the obit page, they'd finally been able to.  She couldn't have kids of her own, so a big family was what she'd wanted more than anything.

I wish I'd gotten the chance to tell her how much she meant to me...I worry I hurt her by my continual backing out on tentative plans to meet, though I did explain why.  But maybe I can use her influence as inspiration to get through this current rough spot and get back in to life.

Life's short folks....dessert first!  ;)

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Wow...so overwhelmed right now.  What I saw in my email box from '05 and '06 (and beyond, but especially then) was person after person ready to be there for me....to hear me...to support me.  It really is amazing to look back on.  I have been so so fortunate to always have people around to support me.  Every time I think I'm alone, someone else appears.  It's always been that way, even as a kid.  Of course now I know that I'll never be truly alone because my higher power is in my corner, but I'm just grateful for this amazing stream of incredible people that have come through my life.  I don't know how I got to be so fortunate.

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