I'm still struggling a lot. I can't even really explain why, which is half the frustration. I'm just grieving, hurt, emotional, overwhelmed, etc. I'm panicking and really struggling to deal with even the basics. I've been trying to write about it, but every time I get lost in the words.
A few minutes ago I was sitting online with a close friend of mine. She's going through some really rough stuff as well. Way beyond anything I'm facing really. I feel bad that I can't do much to support her in my "current state" (though we live many states away so not sure I could offer much in this situation anyway).
So tonight we sat there together...both overwhelmed and afraid...both without many words to offer the other...so we just sat. As we were about to say goodnight this incredible feeling came over me. It was like nothing I've ever felt before. All day today I've been overwhelmed looking at the struggle I have ahead of me, and hers is even bigger...but I got this overwhelming feeling of "It's going to be ok" that was so strong it brought me to tears. Totally out of the blue, while sitting in a dark room in the wee hours of the morning...this moment of power. It's gone again, but I'm trying to hold on to what's left of it to keep me going. Deep down I know it will be ok, but it also feels like right now there's a lot of evidence against that.
I'm back to being afraid to sleep again....waaaaay more so than I was before. I've had WAY more nightmares since going on the meds that were supposed to help keep nightmares away. :( And now I'm remembering them more clearly too. This is especially tough because i've been especially working to convince the scared parts of me that going to sleep is safe. So now I'm sitting here awake and doing everything I can to keep telling myself it's going to be ok. Whatever that feeling was, it helped.
I'm grateful for my sponsor. She took me out to breakfast today and it was just a nice break from all the crazy. Everything just seems a little calmer when she's around....and I know I sometimes exhaust her with my chaos but she still stays with me!