Driven

Recently I was watching an episode of American Ninja Warrior.  Before many of the contestants ran the course, they would do a background feature about the person.  Over and over I would hear versions of the story of seeing the competition on tv and deciding they wanted to do it.  Some of these people overcame big health issues to get there, so it's not like they're just naturally fit (though I think some natural fitness helps!).  As I watched I thought about how fun it looked, and how cool it must feel to do something like that.  And then I went and got a snack and plopped back down on the couch.

It got me wondering: what causes that difference between those who see something they want and make it happen, and those who don't get past the dreaming about it.  What gives people that drive?

I must be driven to some extent.  I survived years of pain and struggle that could've killed me.  And not only did I survive, but I'm about to graduate from college and start a dream job.  (Ok maybe not dream job yet....but for where I'm at in my career it's a dream come true. :)  I have friends, I have an apartment of my own in a safe neighborhood, etc. etc.  I have a lot of things that statistically I shouldn't.  I've accomplished things that "kids like me" aren't "supposed" to.

When I get into a tough situation, I can find that inner drive and get through it.  Recently I was at the gym and joined a group workout that I knew was way beyond what I could do.  I let everyone know I was going to take it easy and just do part of it because it was too much for me.  But once I got going there was no stopping me.  I refused to quit until I did every single bit of that workout.  I did it slowly, but I did it.

I'm not referring just to physical stuff, but that does seem to be the easiest analogy.  Once I'm at the gym, I can work as hard as anyone.  But that workout was Wednesday, today is Sunday, and I haven't been back since.  I get frustrated because I'm overweight and know I would feel better physically if I exercised more.  But I don't do it.  I don't get myself out there.  I'll make great plans to go, but when it comes to be time, I'm suddenly distracted, lose track of time, etc.  It's not intentional, but it's not exactly unintentional either.  Yes sometimes it's an honest mistake, but I know if I really want to go I need to get ready right away, not let myself do other things, leave early, etc.

It's frustrating.  I'm an awesome planner.  I think of great things to do, and can even see the step by step path to getting there.  I know how to reduce things into the tiniest of baby steps.  But even then I don't take those steps.  I don't know if it's fear or what, but I continue to hide from truly living.  I have about a month before my new job starts.  It would be great to use this time to get stuff done, get my life in order, etc.  But instead I sit here being a couch potato, my apartment still a mess, my errands still undone, and still feeling overwhelmed.  These probably sound like little things, and I guess in the big picture they are....but I'm well into adulthood and my apartment looks like someone left the kids home alone too long.  It's embarrassing, and I feel trapped in this not quite grown up stage.  And, I'm not enjoying things the way I could be.  I have all this free time that I craved while I was in school and working, and I'm spending it watching daytime tv.  And I don't have cable, so it's the really crappy daytime tv! lol

I just wish I knew how to put my "in the moment" drive and perseverance into more long-term issues and struggles.  I wish I could better understand the cause, but my theory is that it's a mix of laziness and fear.  Struggling for something greater is exhausting, and it also puts me at risk of failure.  If I do nothing but watch tv, I don't have to risk looking stupid, or finding out that I can't accomplish something I wanted to.  Of course I'd rather be taking risks than watching tv, but I don't know how to convince the rest of me of that....the part that seems glued to the couch and can so easily get completely engrossed in random websites, video games, etc.  Argh!

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I'm grateful for these problems in the sense that 3 years ago when I was in the hospital and suicidal, I would've given anything for these to be my biggest problems.  Back then I couldn't envision how to live another day, and now the frustration is that it's hard to live up to the big dreams I have.  That's a big change in hope!