Update

Just a quick update about my life for the last month or so that I haven't been blogging:

School: School continues to be a struggle. I'm getting through and am almost done with the semester, but it feels like I'm constantly behind and lately have been struggling to focus. Some of my ADD meds were stolen so I've been really struggling with that. I had to go for almost a week without them. I've been back on them for about a week now but I think my brain is still trying to regulate. Plus I've been dealing with a lot of other stuff that is taking away my focus, but more on that later. I've almost completed the semester so I feel good about that.

IOP: I've officially graduated from IOP. It feels good, but strange at the same time. It was definitely my time to go. There were a lot of new people in the group and it seemed to be in a bit of a transition phase. No sense in staying just long enough to start to get to know new people and then leave. Plus I really don't need the 12+ hrs/week of therapy anymore. The days I was there were starting to feel like I was there because I wasn't sure where else to be. I'm still not sure where else to be, but that's something i'm working on...lol It feels strange to have so little structure in my life now. I'm not good at structuring my time when I don't have specific places to be, so I'm working on that. IOP gave me somewhere to be 3 mornings/week. I also just finished my weekend job so now most days I have nothing scheduled. Very strange. Oh and somehow with all that free time I still manage to be behind in school. Hmph. lol Anyway, I miss IOP now. It was like having a little family. I'm doing ok without the support but I do find myself wishing I had the group to talk to.

Spring break: Spring break was a few weeks ago. I mentioned it briefly before. I got to go up to the mountains where I used to live and see some good friends. I was a bit scared going in because most of the people i'm around where I live now are sober. In the mountains, not so much. I knew there would be A LOT of alcohol around. But the trip went amazingly well, I had so much fun, and through a lot of prayer and reading the Big Book I was able to make it through sober. I know that anywhere can seem amazing and perfect when you're only there for a few days, but I think this is a very good sign of me being able to some day successfully go back to the mountains and do well there. I really miss it. I even spoke to my former boss there and she told me how much she misses me and would love to have me back. Yay!

Sobriety: I've almost reached the 4 month mark of sobriety. Woohoo! I'm doing pretty well overall, though I've been getting in to some pretty deep stuff with my sponsor. She's been working with me on getting in to the past stuff, and past resentments. As ya'll know, I have a lot of those. For the first time ever I've told someone face to face about what happened. I told my foster mom a little, but with my sponsor I've really told her, including some of the more gruesome details. Ok not details exactly, but stuff like how many people were really involved and that kind of thing. It's been unbelievably draining and challenging for me, as you can probably see from my last post. See, for years now when this stuff came up I'd drink or I'd cut...anything to block it out and pretend it didn't exist. I thought that was the only way to handle it. Until that landed me in the hospital close to killing myself. So now I'm dealing with it without any numbing measures and holy hell it sucks. But what I'm starting to realize is that when I deal with it without pushing it away, I get a little bit stronger each time. When I push it away, it gets a little bit stronger each time. Now when I process things they seem to really be processed and I can start to feel strong again, and I can start making the scary stuff smaller. I feel like I'm actually taking my life back now. I'm grateful to have my sponsor and AA meetings right now because at times I'm feeling like I'm on the brink of insanity. But they all tell me if I just don't drink and don't cut it will get better. So I'm trusting in that. I finally got some sleep last night after many nights of barely sleeping, so maybe I'm on an upswing. :)

Oh, and my sponsor told me that the night after I told her about all this stuff she couldn't sleep because she was having flashbacks to my past. I felt really bad about that, and told her so, because no one should have to be drug into this nightmare. But she said that's how it works...that we hurt together and we get to succeed together. In a way it felt sorta redeeming though (not sure that's the right word) because if it can upset someone that much just to hear it, it makes sense how fucked up I am from living it.

Part of this step we're working on now is that after writing out my resentments and why they upset me then I have to write my part in them. This bothered me at first but I really like the way my sponsor explained it to me. She said I had no part in what they did to me and that that is no way my fault, but my part in it is that I continue to carry it around with me even today. She said it's time to learn to let that go. Easier said than done of course, but that's what we're working on.

Housing: So I've moved to my new house. It's been an interesting experience to say the least. I got used to living alone so it's strange to have people around. In some ways it's nice, but I forgot about all the issues that come with sharing space....sharing the kitchen, food, cleanliness, all that good stuff. Also my new roommate is very very motherly, so that causes us to collide sometimes. It wouldn't be an issue except that I have that deep down part of me that really really wants a mom, and loves the idea of living with a mom. But my roommate is not the right person to fill that role. So I have to keep reminding myself not to allow myself to get sucked in to it. I had a bit of a meltdown on Easter because they had a big family celebration at the house. They invited me and I was going to join them but then I just flipped out. It was too much family for me. I ended up making up a story about how I had to meet with someone to do homework (I sort of did, but really it was just to drop off a book w/her) and then just driving around for a while and finally sitting in the park for a bit. Oh and crying my eyes out somewhere in the middle of that. I had taco bell for my easter dinner, which made me happy. I'm not sure how long I'm going to stay here. I'd still like to get back to living in my own place, but I sooooo don't want to go out looking. Such a pain!

I guess that's all the big stuff in my life now. I'll probably think of more later. Overall it's intense, but not so bad. Thanks for sticking around even through my lack of posts. :)