Monday, April 23, 2012

Sad

In less than 3 weeks I've seen 2 women who were instrumental in my initial sobriety come back in to AA after a relapse.  I know relapse is unfortunately a part of addiction but it's so painful to see.  I want to be able to give my success to everyone.  I also have to remember that my success, though huge to me, is really nothing in the big picture.  4 months is miniscule.  People go out again after years.  Addiction is never something you're done with.

The good news is that both women came back.  Many go out and end up dead, in jail, etc.  Still, a person always comes back in more pain after a relapse.  My relapse was so early on (less than 2 months in) that it hardly counted, and yet it still was SO hard to come back in.  After I quit initially I still wanted to drink, but I could manage the craving.  After my relapse, which only lasted for 2 days, it was an absolute obsession.  I had to be on the phone with someone while driving to and from work to make sure I got to where I was going rather than stopping at the liquor store.  I had to talk myself through every move I made because I didn't trust myself not to go drink.  It wasn't one day at a time, it was one minute at a time.  One breath at a time.

I can't imagine what it's like to go out after years of sobriety.  I can't imagine how hard it is to start over like that.  I'm glad both of these women are back.  I hope they'll stay.  If you don't mind please say a prayer for K and for P.  Also for C who has been in and out and all over the place, and J who was brand new at the meeting tonight and clearly so so afraid.  Ugh, so many ppl to pray for.  So many hurting ppl.

(I talked to J after the meeting and told her I could relate to her fears.  I told her my very favorite line, that was so amazing to me at one of my first meetings, that she never has to be alone again.  She said she wanted to call me so I made sure she had my number.  But I know it's so so so hard to actually pick up the phone and call someone you don't know when you're new.  Well it's hard even when it's someone you do know and you're not new, but so much harder when it's something you've never done before).

Guess that's all.  Just wishing I could take people's pain away tonight.  Hate to see good people hurting so much.

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