If you only knew...

I got kicked out of IOP this morning. It was because I was late. Except that I wasn't really late. Well I kind of was. Let me explain.

IOP starts at 8:45. Lately a lot of us have been having issues with getting there on time, and the group has been starting later and later. (Seems the prompt ones have all graduated recently). So, as of Monday Stupidface said that he would not be allowing anyone in after 9:00. Today I arrived at 9:00. In my eyes, at 9:00 is not after 9:00. Splitting hairs, yes, but I still felt that it was rather extreme. I was pissed. On day one of the new rule it seemed that he could help me out a little, since I wasn't technically late yet, but he wanted to make an example of me. There were a few other issues going on as well that made it that much more infuriating.

1). Yesterday at our individual session we got into some difficult stuff that caused me to dissociate a bit and feel like I was back in the bad place. A part of me knew I was still in the therapy room, but it was like a surprise to look up and still see him there. I got very uncomfortable and felt like he'd seen little me being hurt and that scared the shit outta me. I wrapped up in my sweatshirt but still felt like he could see through it and was looking down on me. It wasn't anything that he did, but he knew I was uncomfortable, and for the first time the fact that I'm seeing a male t became really weird to me. Because of all the shame I'd felt during this session, I was really flipped out about going to iop and having to face him again. Even though I knew we wouldn't be talking about that stuff, just being in the same room w/him was going to be roughed. I would've thought he'd understand that I was really in a shaky place and needed his understanding, but instead felt like I was shamed further in front of the group by being asked to leave.

2). On Monday I had said very openly (before there was any discussion of this new rule) that I was really struggling with getting out of bed and getting to places when I need to. It's not just a sleep issue either, because I seem to get "stuck" and can't get going regardless of what time of day it is. It's like the transitions from one thing to another are just really hard for me. Anyway, I put it out there that I was really struggling even though I was working so hard on it. Today rather than getting any credit for working on it I was just told flat out to leave.

So yeah...I walked out super pissed. Now logically I understand that I did screw up here, and really I should've been there at 8:45 so it wouldn't have been an issue. I get that whether it was 9:00 or 9:01 is not the real issue. But I can't stop the emotional reaction. One piece of very good news though...

At the end of October, when I was still really struggling with getting to iop at all, one day I showed up over an hour late and was asked to leave. I was soooo pissed even though stupidface said he would be right out at the break to talk to me that I tore up all my papers related to the group, I shut off my phone and ran out of there straight to the liquor store. I drank myself stupid and proceeded to cut myself probably worse than I ever had before (lots of blood, muscle damage, that kind of thing). I had so much emotion wrapped up in the idea of going to this group at all, combined with rage at everyone there and at myself that I just lost it completely. Thankfully I managed to stop the cutting after the one incident, but from that Friday morning I continued to drink until the following monday afternoon when I needed to sober up to get to my drs appt to get my meds.

My point is that comparatively I did much better today. I yelled in my head and I cried a bit...said a bunch of "well fuck it"s in my head, but that was the extent of it. I thought, "I could drink now. That would be one way to react. But I don't want to drink at him. He's not worth that." For the most part I stayed impressively level-headed. The biggest issue was what to do with this whole day suddenly free. I was supposed to have gone to art group after iop so I would've been there from 9-2:30, but I didn't want to hang out to wait for art. That left a big gap to fill. So I came home and got back in pj's and got out the computer games, as well as talking to a couple of ppl online. At least that way I knew I wasn't going to do anything crazy without giving myself some time to think about it.

Eventually, my sponsor called. I'd left her a message earlier on my drive home, because I felt like part of my attempted rational reaction was that I needed to tell someone, and she seemed like the right person to tell. She started out with all the i'm sorry that happened nice stuff, but then she kinda kicked my ass. (I get the feeling from what I've learned in aa thus far that that's what sponsors do).

The first thing she said was an aa favorite saying about how we have to "live life on life's terms." I've heard that before but always thought, well what the hell does that mean? She explained that basically there are things in life that are facts, and we just have to suck it up and do it without letting emotion in. The group starts at 8:45. That's the terms. If I'm gonna be in the group I gotta be there at 8:445. End of story. It doesn't matter if I've gotten exceptions before, or if he said at least by 9:00. The group starts at 8:45 and it's something I have to do...just the same as I have to eat. If I'm going to do something, I have to do it.

As she said this I realized that the thoughts that kept circulating through my head were that if I go back and I show up on time then I have to admit that he's right and he wins and I'm doing what he tells me to, and that I don't want to give him that satisfaction. Now the logical side of me says well what a ridiculous thought that is! But again I can't deny what the emotions say. Seems I want to be in control and not let anyone be any kind of authority figure over me. The first "ugh" of the conversation.

She went on to tell me that for a long time she walked around with a chip on her shoulder, thinking that since she got screwed out of what she was supposed to get in life that she deserved and expected more and more. (She hasn't told me what she got shortchanged on specifically, just that she had issues w/her dad growing up and that he wasn't nice, but I don't know if that's what she was referring to or not). Anyway, she said that she was out to prove that she deserved what she hadn't gotten and that she wasn't going to let anyone stand in her way of getting it. She expected people to give her extras, let her get away with things, and give her special treatment.

This got me thinking of a phrase I catch myself using a lot in my head: "If you only knew..." When I'd get in trouble at work for being late I'd think, "If you only knew how hard it is for me to get out of bed, and how hard I have to fight just to focus through the shit in my head to get here!" When I was struggling with getting a rent bill in on time: "If you only knew how hard it is for me to keep this job and make this money you'd understand." If I'm really honest about it and really think about it, it goes all the way down to thinking that things should be provided for me. "If you only knew how hard I had to fight just to stay alive, you'd be rushing to give me food, clothes, etc. You wouldn't leave me here struggling for them. If you only knew!" It's like I constantly want to scream, "I went through hell! I have flashbacks of my hell! Stop expecting anything of me! Leave me alone!" And yet I also say I don't want to be defined by my past, nor do I want to use it as an excuse for holding me back. Fuck. And double ugh.

This is one I'm going to have to give a lot of thought to. The fact is, the stuff I go through from day to day IS hard. Sometimes I have to fight through a lot of shit just to get by. Sometimes the monsters in my head really are more than I can bare. But is it really that different or that much worse than what anyone else has to face? I know I'm not the only one that's been through tough stuff. It just takes looking around an aa meeting to see that, as well as knowing the incredible ppl I've spoken to online about it. And if everyone started their days and their actions with "If you only knew..." would anything ever get done? The reality is that we can't cater to everyone's issues because at some point we have to have expectations and we have to be able to count on each other.

As far as using my past as an excuse, the example I tend to go back to is from the Casey Anthony trial. I remember her at one point saying essentially, "Don't blame me, I was sexually abused as a child." I wanted to vomit when I heard that. I also wanted to reach through the tv and smack her. Lots of people were sexually abused as a child and go on to be productive people in the world! I said, "Well I would never say a thing like that. I'm going to go for my dreams. It doesn't matter that I was abused." And in a lot of ways, that's exactly what I've done. I've lived in some cool places all over the country, I've worked some incredible jobs, I've gotten to travel, and now I'm back in school on the path towards what I really believe to be my calling in life: to help other kids who have been abused and tossed out by society. So yes, in many ways I'm overcoming, but in all these little ways it seems i'm not moving on. I'm still using the, "if you only knew..." and I'm expecting a handout rather than putting in the work. I'm expecting to be let in to group 15 minutes late because at least it wasn't 16. I'm allowing MYSELF to be ok with my own mediocre performance, saying, "You were abused as a child so you couldn't be expected to be somewhere on time. You shouldn't expect to do as well as other people."

Damn. I can't tell you how hard that is to hear/realize. I think it's true though. I think I've been holding myself back and telling myself I'm less than because sometimes it just hurts too much to fight. Or maybe it's because I'm scared I can't be as good as others so I don't want to try. Maybe I'm just used to telling myself I'm a piece of crap and not worth anything, because that's what I've always heard.

Now then, wonderful, faithful, blog readers of awesomeness, this is where you come in. (See what I did there? I gave ya a cool name so now you have to listen!) I know there's some survivors out there reading...do ya'll deal with this? Even if you're not a survivor, I need some outside perspective here. Does this make sense or does it sound like bs? It's hard to be impartial when I'm drowning in the midst of it so I need ya'll to do it for me. Please help me gather these thoughts and figure out what to do with them.

In the meantime, it looks like I'm going to have to do the humility thing and go back to iop and apologize and show up on time...which just annoys the shit outta me cus the "fuck it I just won't go back I don't need them anyway" route sounds so much smoother and easier. And yes...we'll still do a gratitude...I'm grateful for my fucking sponsor. It's her job to piss me off and she has, but in a good way. If she didn't make it hard I wouldn't get anywhere (this exact thing came up in a meeting just a few days ago...that its not a sponsor's job to be your friend) so I'm glad she really cares enough to be willing to do the tough love. As much as i'm hating it right now, I think this is all good for me.