Glowy

Something amazing is happening to me.

It starts back on Wednesday evening when I went for a walk. I was watching the sun set over the mountains and this amazing feeling of peace came over me. It felt like my cares were being lifted and I could finally think clearly. I had this beautiful thought that even though I was stressed, somehow everything was going to work out ok. It came to me that this is what giving things over to my higher power is all about. I felt like I didn't have to worry because it wasn't up to me. How cool that this loving, caring, presence was going to deal with the stressing for me. I think it may have been the best I've ever felt before. I was able to just be there in the moment and enjoy that sunset. I felt happy, and it wasn't chemically induced and there were no caveats. I wasn't "happy, except for..." and it wasn't "this would be so nice if only I could stop thinking about..." As corny as it sounds, it felt like my heart was smiling. My smile was coming from deep down inside. I felt, I decided, glowy. I was becoming one of those happy, glowy people that generally annoy the crap outta me. But at this moment, it felt so good to glow.

I had some incredible thoughts during all of this. I realized that I have power in this world. I live in a place where there is a lot of sadness around me, but I have the power to make it better. I can't fix it, but I can be a bright spot rather than a source of further darkness. I realized that I've spent my whole life telling myself that I'm no good; that I'm worthless. But now as an adult and in a safe place, I have power. I don't have to be defined by my past. (If you'd asked me a week ago if I was being defined by my past I would've said absolutely not, but I realize now that I was). I picked up trash all along my walk back home. It took me maybe 30 seconds extra and a little bit of dirt on my hands, but it was badly needed all around my building. It may not have made any huge difference, but I know it made a change, and it felt good.

I'm starting to understand why AA talks about service so much. I'm also starting to see what they mean about getting out of your own head, and out of self pity. I have to stop telling myself I'm worthless, and I have to stop thinking that the world needs to take care of me because of what happened. (Ok I'm still learning to accept care from the world, but I mean in the sense of "well how could I help anyone else when I'm still broken? I'm the one that needs the help.)

This glowy stuff is changing my whole mindset and outlook. You know my neighbor across the hall who always leaves their trash in the hallway? (Ok you may not, it's been a while since i've mentioned her). Normally her trash annoys the crap outta me and gets me grumbly every time I see it. But on wednesday I started thinking, "Wouldn't it be fun to take her trash out for her? She wouldn't know what to think!" Ironically she hasn't left any trash out since then, but what a totally different way for me to think about things. Normally it would be, "Why would I take HER trash out? I have enough of my own crap to deal with!" And then probably go on with a few "This place just drives me crazy sometimes!" or "I just hate these people I'm stuck living next to!" I'm starting to see them as people and realize maybe they have their own struggles, and maybe I can do something nice for them.

Thursday was another glowy day. the clear-headedness stayed with me and I was able to get so much homework done. Usually I really struggle with homework because there's so much else going on in my head that it takes me 10 times as long to focus and think through even easy stuff. But suddenly I found myself focused, getting right to work, and getting stuff done. Thursday night I made cookies for IOP. I have a "secret" recipe that people in iop really like. So I used the free time I had after my meeting to make cookies, just so I could make people smile.

Today during my art group, I noticed that someone had poured paint down the bathroom sink. This is a big no no because there's only one sink set up to deal with paint. The result had left the nice white bathroom sink all black and gross. My first thought was, "ugh..stupid people...sucks for whoever has to clean THAT up!" But then I had a thought. I took the paper towels I was drying my hands with and thought maybe I'd just wipe up a bit of the paint. That went well so I got a few more and finished cleaning up the sink. Likely few knew that the mess ever existed and fewer will know that I cleaned it...and that's ok with me. I'm not bitter towards the person who did it or about "having" to do all that "work." I got to spend a few seconds to make the world nicer.

Wow...weird perspective when you're glowy! lol

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I'm slightly less glowy now because I'm dealing with some stressful stuff, but I'm trying to keep the underlying glow going. I'll probably explain the stressful stuff on another post, but it's just too much to get into now. For now, I'm grateful that Becky was back at IOP today. Turns out she only drank the one night when I was there, so even though it was a relapse that's HUGE progress that it didn't take her in to anything long-term. She's still having a very rough time, but I'm grateful that she's come back to handle it sober and is doing ok. I also have to say that I'm grateful that she called me and thanked me for my help. I felt so useless that night but she said that I was her "anchor in stormy seas," and the only part of her life that wasn't chaos. it's always nice to be reminded that you mean something.