Gift

Something interesting happened to me today.

We have a new girl in IOP. I'll call her Mel. She started wednesday, and I'm not sure what to make of her at this point. She's a heroin addict, but she says flat out that she uses every night and "can't" quit. She considers herself doing well because she's using a smaller amount, using it regularly, and it's keeping her from going crazy. That said, she's also on probation as well as on a methadone program that requires regular UA's. So she has plenty of potential to get herself in trouble. But that's not important to this particular story.

Today Mel said that the reason she can't quit is because she's haunted by memories of stuff that happened starting when she was very young. She didn't say what exactly happened, but from what she said I get the distinct impression it's similar to what I experienced. She said it was stuff that started when she was 3, and that she's had many people tell her that she should be over it because it was a long time ago. I knew I wanted to say something to her, even though my past is not something i generally talk about at iop. They know in a general way that my childhood was "not good", that I'm not close to my parents now, and that I have "ptsd like" issues.

Anyway, I told Mel that while I didn't know what she'd experienced, I had a suspicion it was similar to what I'd been through. I told her that I had memories from when I was 5, and possibly earlier but I'm not sure, and that I too have had people tell me I should be over it by now. I said that I thought I needed alcohol and other addictions to block it out, but what I didn't realize was that while I thought I was blocking it it wasn't gone. It took me ending up in the hospital after nearly killing myself to realize it was killing me inside. Now I've made a commitment to sobriety, and yes sometime's it's hell. It's been hell this week. But the difference is that now i'm clear-headed enough to separate myself from it and remind myself i'm safe in the present. I also told her that while it always makes me crazy when ppl say it to me, I think it holds true here that if I can do it, she can do it. This was right at the end of the time and Stupidface ended the group right after I said this. Mel was crying and we were able to hug. She held on to me for a long time. It seemed like it meant a lot to her. I checked in with Stupidface afterwards just to make sure what i'd said was ok, since it was a lot for me to put out there (and very monolouge-y for my usual tastes). He said he thought it was great and that it showed a lot of strength from me.

I've had ppl in different contexts tell me that it's a gift that my past allows me to help other people. (It even says something like this in the big book). It's always really pissed me off...like somehow it's ok that I went through all the horrible shit I did because it helps someone else. But there were aspects of this moment that absolutely were a gift.

1). It allowed me to use my past for something good. With all the flashback hell my past has been putting me through lately, it's nice to get to use it for something good.

2). It gave me a chance to feel important because I could express something to Mel that no one else in the group could. I also felt like a worthwhile person again for being able to help someone else.

3). It forced me to reaffirm my own reasons for sobriety. There's been A LOT of temptation to go back to drinking this week. Even though I know in the long run it will make things worse, I so badly want that brief moment of feeling good. It's hard not to be tempted by that when everything feels so so bad. But, by explaining why my sobriety is important to me to Mel, it reaffirmed for me that I am where I want to be and doing what I want to do.

4). In a similar vein, it made me stronger in my sobriety by defending it. When the temptations came up after IOP, I could very strongly say no after speaking passionately about it. It also helped to see Mel in such a bad place. She reminded me where I'll end up if I give up and go back to drinking. Our methods of numbing are different, but an addict is an addict. I've reached a place where I'm not so desperate I can't see hope. I don't want to give that up.

The other plus to all of this is that in my Human Services class we've been talking about how to work in a field dealing with others' suffering but being able to separate from it and take care of yourself. While I do care about Mel, I feel very peaceful tonight that I did what I could, spoke from the heart, and now I can leave it to her to make her own decision. She said she was going to call me tonight. I didn't really expect her to, but hopefully something somewhere sinks in for her. She won't change overnight, but maybe she'll hear enough to start pushing towards a new path. Or something she hears now will sink in months later...you just never know.

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In addition to the gift I received today, I'm also grateful for the amazing night I had last night where....wait for it...I SLEPT!! AND I DIDN'T HAVE NIGHTMARES!! YAY!! I woke up to my alarm going off and I was still cozy and warm in bed. I didn't wake up with a start with my heart pounding. It made the morning so much nicer and the entire day just so totally different because I wasn't spending it all trying to get out of that yucky, panicky place.