I had a rough day today. Nothing earth shattering happened, more just a lot of little things going on that are frustrating the hell outta me. My wonderful schedule that I put together...where school, work, aa, and therapy all fit together like nice snug little puzzle pieces, all managed to fall apart this week. Today I realized just how chaotic I feel. I was doing so well and feeling so good because I had routine. I just needed to show up at the right place at the right time. Now I have extra time and tend to get stuck in my thoughts, and my thoughts are not so good. Anyway, now is not the time to go into detail about this. I talked it out w/a friend earlier who helped me feel better about it. I don't want to get worked up about it again.
So...normally tonight would be volunteer baby holding night, but that isn't happening this week so I had a free night. I went to a meeting that I've been to once before. It had seemed ok and I like the girl who told me about the meeting so I figured I might see her there. (If anyone remembers back, she's the one I had my first post-meeting social time with a month or so ago). Anywho...she was there...the meeting was decent, and i ended up sharing and saying how crappy i felt. I cried my eyes out...again. It's truly amazing my eyes have any tears left. Afterwards Jane, the friend like person, said she was going to Village Inn and invited me. (She has somewhat of an obsession w/Village Inn...she's invited me to go there after almost every meeting i've seen her at!) This time it was the two of us plus 2 other guys. One guy was someone she'd known since high school. The other was a new guy who was 2 days sober.
It was so so nice to go out for dinner. For one, I was just plain hungry, but this was the first time in a while that i've had a "normal" social outing without stress. I basically have zero social skills. I wasn't great at it before but could at least pretend while drunk. Sober, I'm clueless and I really really struggle with making friends. So tonight I got to escape from all the crap in my head and just enjoy a relaxing meal. Since we were at a diner there was no alcohol around, and of course no pressure to drink or anything like that. Just a nice time. I think it was a perfect night really, all things considered. I got the release of telling ppl at the meeting how I was feeling (I hate to do that when I feel crappy, but they always say you gotta let ppl know where you're at, cus if you don't speak up then no one can know). After that I was able to relax enough to have a good time and have some laughs. (It's hard not to laugh around Jane). Jane also reaffirmed for me that all the crap I'm feeling is normal, and that it's just part of this whole thing. I think deep down I know that, but to hear her describe what it was like for her was a huge help because it was exactly what was in my head coming out of another person. It just makes everything seem a lot less terrifying and a bit more hopeful.
So that's my night, and i'm grateful for it. I'm still pretty stressed about everything else, so if you wouldn't mind floatin' a prayer my way I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!
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