A little hope?

A few things are going on today. First, I went to my AA meeting last night and people were happy to see me. They actually clapped. This is a very small meeting in a retirement community. I happened upon it just because it's close to me, and had no idea where it actually was when I first went. So the meeting is generally me and 5-8 others of grandparent age. They've all been sober for years, many for longer than I've been alive. It was the first meeting I ever actually felt comfortable talking, because how threatened can you really be by a group like that? Soooo...I've continued to come every week even though it's an odd dynamic. I figure everyone can use a little grandma love in their lives. It's a big book study, and I skipped last week because I was so triggered by the story they'd been reading the week before, as well as people's responses to it. Apparently when the meeting was starting last night and I wasn't there they got worried and started calling me (I was a couple minutes late but in the parking lot wondering who this strange number was that was calling me). When I came in they all said "Yay River's here," and a few of them clapped. It was nice to have a welcome like that, especially when feeling so shitty. During the meeting the meeting a few of them seemed to be directing a lot of stuff at me...like trying to give me advice. I think they were worried i'd been out drinking or something. Kind of annoying, but I know they mean well. I got some good hugs at the end and all that though, and I'm sure it was much better than what I would've been doing sitting at home!

So that's the first bit. Second, after sleeping on it (and I really did sleep...still nightmares, but not the crazy super intense ones) I realized that Stupidface was right. He's annoyingly good at being right. I'm thinking that like he said, dealing with the chaos in my immediate "outside" life will help settle the chaos inside. I'm not sure which causes which, but they sure don't help each other! When I'm stressed inside, all I want to do is hide away from it all or do anything possible to distract myself. Of course that means that none of the daily life stuff gets done. End result of that is more stress, which causes me to feel shittier, which makes me frustrated with myself and it starts the cycle anew. I can't really blame myself for my reaction to the inside stress...especially when it gets so bad like last night. How can a person be expected to do homework while seeing horrible images, dealing with pain and fear, and feeling like the world is coming crashing down. But the lack of doing homework definitely doesn't help anything. I was a little pissed at Stupidface when his answer to everything was "do your homework," but it makes sense. If I can find some way out of the shit storm long enough to accomplish something, I'll get a boost of confidence rather than additional stress.

This morning I woke up early to try to get to an early morning meeting. I didn't make the meeting but at least I had time to get stuff done. Or so I thought. I had hours but somehow barely managed to get myself showered, dressed, and my laundry done (not put away, but done). It felt horrible. I had homework to get done for my class today and wasn't able to really do any of it. The time just flew by and I was more angry and upset about it. Plus I kept looking around at the absolute chaos of my apartment. And it really is chaos. Stuff everywhere. Trash everywhere. Piles of things. Dishes in the sink. I just can't get it together to clean or stay organized. That's one of those things that just seems menial. But I'm thinking maybe for a while my prayers should be focused on getting the outside chaos under control, rather than just praying for the inside stuff to go away. Maybe ya'll can help me on that. I'm so tired of being surrounded by chaos. I'm starting to hate my apartment because it's so uncomfortable and unwelcoming to be there. I've never felt super comfortable there because it's always been the reminder of the one I lost and the stuff I lost, but it's especially bad now and that sucks. I need to find a way to stop hiding.

In the meantime, I'm still exhausted. Not drinking is taking up a whole lot of energy, and my sleep still isn't great because of the restlessness of the nightmares. That's another reason why cleaning and such seems way over my head right now. I just feel physically and mentally dead. I'm going to work on pushing myself to at least do something productive, even in the midst of the dead. That's the goal for now. Something.

So there are small glimpses of hope. Not a lot, but something. I can't look beyond the right now because i'm too exhausted to care, but my little bubble is getting just a little bit bigger.

Still holdin on....