Oops

So it was rough today. The memories are just awful. I'm not dealing well with this mom stuff. I can't get past the anger at her or the self-hatred. I missed IOP this morning due to sleep issues, which didn't help anything. The end result was a lot of terrible shit in my head and too much time to think about it. I didn't drink, but I did hurt myself. In many ways that feels just as much like a relapse. The thing is, it doesn't matter the substance. It's the concept of rushing to the quick fix when stuff gets bad. It's the subconscious excuse making that gets me in trouble before I even realize what's happening.

For example, I'd strongly sworn off cutting after the last time I did it in October. When I'd done it then it got really bad. It became an absolute obsession and I heard this voice in my head that didn't feel like my own just wanting more blood and deeper cuts. I covered myself with wounds that bled a lot, and even likely did some muscle damage, making it hard to walk without pain for a while after...and even longer to be able to run. This all made me realize how dangerous it was getting for me, and it was enough to say no more with a strong degree of confidence.

Even today I was convinced I wasn't going to cut. But these thoughts started creeping in to my head about how I'd never burned myself before, but that might be an interesting way to do it. I'd had these thoughts before, with no idea where they came from. Somehow I managed to convince myself that burning wasn't cutting, and was therefore ok. And that's what I did. And now I feel like crap about it.

The thing is, I know logically that burning is self injury, just like cutting, and that I don't want to do it. But that little voice weaseled it's way in there and the next thing I knew I was doing it. This is so scary because I also really don't want to drink but I often have that little voice sneaking in...if I just have a drink out of someone else's that wouldn't be too bad...i'm not like those other alcoholics, i can handle one drink....i've got friends looking out for me, they won't let me get in too much trouble...etc. etc. There's so many examples. I have to get a handle on it or I'll end up back where I was before I know it. I can't take the risk of being back in that horrible place I was in before the hospital. And I truly believe that going back to drinking will send me back there, because it takes away my will to keep trying and my ability to think straight enough to know what to do to fight.

I'm definitely on edge right now. I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm doing everything i'm supposed to...i'm going to meetings, I'm calling my sponsor, i'm doing what she tells me to, i'm doing my best to pray, etc. etc. and I feel like I'm edging ever closer to relapse. I know I'm not the first person with PTSD to ever get sober but holy hell it's hard. I also know that everyone has their challenges with getting sober and it's not easy for anyone. But when there's a war like this going on in my head, i don't know how to fight. The only way i've ever known is to reach for a drink or reach for something to hurt myself with. I'm doing everything I can...at least I think I am...but I feel like I'm losing to these thoughts. Even when I think I'm doing ok these thoughts creep in and I'm afraid that soon they'll get the better of me.

Please say a prayer for me. I'm also open to suggestions if anyone's got any.

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I'm thankful for Sonya, who is actually my friend's sponsor, but she was really there for me tonight. I wanted to say something about how much I was struggling during the meeting but I didn't have a chance to. There wasn't really anyone I could approach after the meeting either (one woman who is also relatively new talked about some big stuff during the meeting so a lot of ppl were talking to her and I didn't want to interrupt). I actually walked out of the meeting place and was on my way to my car when I realized it was a bad idea. More than likely I was on my way to the liquor store, not straight home. I walked back into the meeting place but didn't know how to start a conversation w/anyone. I putzed around for a bit and sonya saw me and asked how I was. She was talking to someone else too so i sorta just shook my head and tried to say not so good. She came over to me and I ended up sobbing my eyes out to her. She was amazing and comforting, and offered some really good suggestions. Turns out she really understands PTSD where my sponsor doesn't. My sponsor means well but she says things like "just leave it in the past" and "don't you see those are lies?" (when I talk about feeling at fault for stuff, or otherwise hating myself because of what happened). I had no idea Sonya would be able to relate to any of that, but it was clear from the time I first started talking with her that she could. I guess that makes it a god thing too, that I found my way back in to the meeting place, she happened to still be there and open up a conversation (i didn't want to interrupt her conversation when I just felt like crying), and that she happened to be someone who could really relate. So I guess I'm grateful to god too. (as much as i sometimes hate to admit it! lol)