Bad bad day

I'm scared out of my mind today. I started to tell t (stupidface) a bit of past stuff. I actually expected him to push me to tell more, but he says he's worried about pushing me too much since it clearly puts me on edge. Which it does. I hate where I'm at right now. Everything puts me on edge. I hate talking about it but I hate not talking about it too. Today what we did talk about is how they told me if I ever told anyone they'd kill me, and how that's stuck with me well into adulthood. I can separate the logic out...I know that realistically the chances of them finding me, or even having the desire to find me at this point are very, very small. But it doesn't stop me from getting very scared sometimes. When I first started looking in to therapy, just going to my first intake had me hallucinating ppl coming to kill me. Even though I know the likelihood of someone who has chosen to be in the helping profession also being connected to the network of ppl who hurt me is small...I can't help but think sometimes that maybe somehow they're connected. Maybe somehow they'll tell someone who will come kill me. Again the logic part of me knows this is crazy. Unfortunately the rest of me IS pretty much crazy.

We also talked about my belief that I'm unlovable, and the drive to cut that it instills in me. Every time someone says something good or nice about me it makes me want to cut so badly. Every time he said I was lovable, I dreamt very vividly of cutting...how the knife would feel in my skin...drawing blood...etc. It's hard to explain exactly, but it's such a strong vision and every piece of it just sounds amazing...the knife going in...cutting the skin...going deeper...blood spilling out...etc. Sorry, prob. shouldn't add that part...probably sounds stupid or disgusting to everyone.

I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. T is considering referring me to a SA specific support group but hasn't decided yet if he thinks it'd be good for me to have ppl to relate to or if it'd be too much of a risk of making me want to drink. I don't know how I feel about that either. We both took both sides of the debate. lol Otherwise his recommendation is to focus on what I can control in the immediate. He thinks the nightmares and everything get bad when I'm stressed, so I should focus on keeping up with homework and other life stuff. I am having a HORRIBLE time keeping up with stuff that I need to do. Even though I'm only taking 2 classes now I can't seem to keep up at all. I'm behind on everything and my life feels like a chaotic mess. And it's terrifying. I get scared and overwhelmed just thinking about it, so I guess he's right that it's a big stress for me.

All the way home after my appt...i thought I was ok but I had a major flashback/panic attack. I didn't realize how far in to it I was but when I pulled in to the parking lot I realized I was barely breathing. It was shallow and hard to get a breath in. That's kinda where I'm at now. The memories won't stop. I haven't done any homework yet, so I haven't managed what t told me to try. I guess I'm failing in that respect. I just want to curl up and cry. I'm feeling lost. But when I tried to say this stuff to t it just sounded like stupid whining. grrr.

I'm supposed to go to a meeting tonight but haven't decided if i'm going. It's the grandma one that triggered me so bad a couple weeks ago. I didn't go last week cus they were still reading the same story and i knew it would trigger me. My sponsor said she would go with me tonight but now she says she can't. she also was too busy to talk to me. that's the problem with relying on one person....when it's bad and she doesn't have time for me it's killer.

Anyway that's enough whining for now. Sorry to be so lame.