Sabotage

I need to be honest here.  Today was a bad day.  Really bad.  Unfortunately most of my bad days these days are self created.  My life is pretty good...why do I go out of my way to feel pain?

Here's the quick version of what happened.  I'm off my meds right now because I forgot to fill my prescriptions.  My sponsor thinks even that part was sabotage.  I don't know.  It might have been.  I'm realizing one of my big fears right now is of success, and I've been doing a lot of stuff counter to what I should.  Also for a while there it was looking like I was going to be able to reduce med doses and now it's looking like if anything I'll have to increase.  Very frustrating to me.  But I think the biggest issue for meds is that my pharmacy is on campus, and campus isn't convenient to anything.  It's great for when I'm in school, but right now I'm still on break.  I had planned to go earlier in the week, and genuinely forgot.  As the week went on and I was actually out of meds, it got that much harder to get unstuck.  I've had a lot of fear going on this week related to all the transitions going on in my life...finishing school, looking for work, etc. that I've really just felt like hiding out a lot.

Anyway, the point is, I'm not on most of my meds, which may or may not be the cause of my craziness.  I know at least some of it is in my head, because I felt ok yesterday until I realized that i'd messed up the pharmacy hours and wouldn't be able to get the meds.  It was then that I started feeling super yucky.  But today I felt genuinely just bad...groggy and exhausted.  That's something meds would help with.  I gave in to my exhaustion and laid around for a long time in the morning.  I work every saturday (for now my only day of work), and I have to leave early in the morning to get there.  Well, I laid around until I was too late to go.  Then I decided to try but got stuck in traffic and realized there was no way I was going to make it to work on time.  At this point I was really pissed because even though I'd been dragging my feet and not wanting to go, once I got going I realized that it really was important to me to make it to work...not just for the money but also because I have an emotional connection to the work I'm doing right now and it's important to me.

I'd been considering calling in sick ever since last night, but once I finally did it I was in an odd situation because I was already on the road.  It hit me that I was in the kind of situation that I used to try to purposely create for myself.  Work thought I was home sick.  Friends thought I was at work.  I had a free day with no accountability.  And yes my thoughts went to getting drunk.  I don't know why, except that I'm an alcoholic.  I don't know why i'm feeling so yucky so often lately.  The meds might be part of it but there's just a lot going on in my head right now.  I badly wanted to sneak off to the liquor store and kept thinking how no one would know.  It was a really ugly and scary place for my head to be.  I used to have to call a friend to get me to work so that I would actually go rather than go to the liquor store instead.

I did the right thing and I called my sponsor.  Unfortunately I was in a bad reception spot so we couldn't really talk, but at least I had the chance to say out loud what was going on and what I was thinking.  On the drive home I realized that my god spot (place in the mountains where I feel most spiritual) was on the way.  So I stopped and spent some time talking to my higher power.  It was nice because it super windy, so I could talk (and even scream) out loud without being heard by anyone else. Not to mention there weren't many people out there due to the wind, though I was surprised to still see some hikers!  Anyway, from there I went home and realized I really was feeling sick.  I was having trouble staying in my lane on the highway because I felt so groggy.  By the time I got home I just wanted to lay down, and that's what I've done for most of the day.  Mostly I just felt tired but couldn't sleep, but I did finally sleep a bit and started feeling much better afterwards.

I don't know if this is mental from trying to convince myself I was sick to feel less guilty about missing work...or if it's physical related to the meds...or maybe caused from stress.  Or maybe I really am sick.  I have no idea.  But I do know that I'm feeling really really lousy and still have drinking on the brain.  I don't know if I would really sabotage myself to that extent but the thought is definitely there.  I'm tired of having to struggle so much.  I want to go back to the "freedom" of not having to give a shit.  I know my life is way better because of all the struggles I've put in, but at least a part of me wishes I could go back to when I didn't care...when I had no drive, no goals, no anything.

I really badly need to get out of this yucky mindset.  And fast.  I wish I had any idea how.  You'd think after two years I'd have a clue.

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I'm not sure what I'm grateful for right now.  I guess for my god spot, and for the fact that I can think through things much better than I used to be able to.  Misery used to be a 24/7 state for me, and now it's definitely not...so there is still progress there.