Power

The first step of AA says:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -  that our lives had become unmanageable.

My life being unmanageable was easy for me from the moment I walked in the door.  Having just come out of a psych hospital for trying to kill myself made that abundantly clear!  I was not managing my life nor did I have any idea how to.  But the powerless thing was a different issue all together, and it's a sticking point for many people in recovery or looking to get sober.  Since those early days I've had some pretty powerful (no pun intended ;) ) revelations about the whole idea.

I grew up absolutely, 100% powerless.  People took away my power.  Most kids are powerless to some level because they rely on adults to take care of them and meet their needs for them.  But my powerlessness was taken to additional levels.  I remember being held down by groups of adult men so I could be hurt.  That is true powerlessness when you can't move any part of your body...when you know pain is coming and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it.  Worse, my mind was being taken over by them.  Every part of my life was controlled by them...whether I got to eat, how much I got to eat, if I was allowed outside that day, who I could talk to, what I could say, etc. etc.  They took all my power away to think for myself and do for myself.  I could only do what fit in to their plans and their desires.

It's important to me as an adult to know I have power.  When I would have flashbacks to those horrible nights as a child, I would have to remind myself again and again that I am an adult now.  I am big now and they can't hurt me.  I have the power to do things like run away, call the police, stay away from them, etc.  I have the power to choose who I spend time with and make decisions for my own life.  I never want to go back to being powerless.  The last thing I want is to be powerless over a substance!

When I heard people at meetings talking about powerlessness and surrender I thought, "You've got to be kidding!"  I'd worked my whole life to show how tough I was, and damnit I was tough.  I am tough.  But yet I'd stopped being able to function long ago.  Life had brought me to my knees.  Before going in to the hospital I would make it to work, but just barely.  I rarely felt good enough to eat in the morning, so I'd just stagger my way to work.  I felt decently good at work so I'd usually manage to eat lunch, my one meal of the day.  As soon as I left work that all-consuming loneliness and misery came back.  It was like I changed in to a whole new person on that drive home.  At work I could pull out that energy from somewhere or another.  I worked with kids and really did like my job, so I wanted to fully be there for them and with them.  I'm not sure I should say it was even keeping up a front, it was just letting that part of me come out.  But that part was only out when others were around.  It was like I morphed on the drive home.  Slowly as the miles ticked off I changed from my work self to this ugly, empty, skeleton of a self.  No matter what I'd planned to do after work, by the time I got home I could barely drag myself to my bed.  If I were lucky I'd get a shower in before pulling out a bottle of something or other and drinking until I passed out...often mixed with a handful of sleeping pills or other such "fun."  I rarely managed to eat dinner.

Nothing about that is how a "normal" person lives.  Really, it's a miracle I managed to survive it and keep my job!  Maybe I didn't want to be powerless over a substance, but was I really showing any power by the way I was living?  I was barely surviving.  The fact that I did survive couldn't have been because of me, because the way I was acting and living could've very easily killed me.  That's about as powerless of an existence as any!

I first learned to understand the concept of powerlessness in terms of being powerless over situations.  I grew up an abused kid.  My head was a mess.  I had a laundry list of mental illnesses, most of which I'll never know if they were caused by my environment or would've been there anyway.  I grew up around ridiculous amounts of alcohol and drugs to the point that I had no idea what a "normal drinker" was.  I was powerless over all of that.  I did absolutely nothing to cause any of those things, and therefore had no power to influence them.  I started drinking when I was 13.  You can argue how much of that was in my control/power.  Was I old enough to know better?  Maybe.  I knew it was illegal, but I also "knew" based on my home life that that's just what you do.  Things get stressful?  Drink.  Something you don't like happens?  Drink.  Things are good?  Drink.  I wish I could say that I saw the negative effects alcohol had on my parents and other family members and chose not to drink, but I didn't.  I followed right in line and started up with them.

I don't know if I had power then.  What I do know is that after more than a decade of relying on alcohol to be able to function, I hadn't built any other coping skills.  I had become an absolute prisoner to it without even realizing it.  Every day after work I said "maybe I won't drink today," but opening a bottle was the very first thing I did when I got home.  I had withdrawals almost the entire time I was in the hospital (though I was in complete denial about what they were) and felt miserable...but as soon as I got out the very first thing I did was went and got drunk.  I swore I'd never drink in the morning.  Soon I was drinking every morning.  I swore I'd never drink except for at home or when out with friends.  Soon I was carrying a coke bottle mixed with vodka with me everywhere I went...including to school, to the library, etc.  I swore I wouldn't drive drunk but I did that too.  Alcohol sure seemed to be winning the power struggle!  Maybe it was more my misery I was powerless over, but even the good times made me want to drink.  Drinking was what I knew.

The revelation came when I realized that all being powerless meant was that I could say, "It's ok."  I don't mean that I was excusing any of my bad decisions and bad behavior.  But it meant that I could accept what had happened, and let go.  I could cease fighting.  Not give up, just cease fighting.  I had fought for years and gotten nowhere.  Being powerless meant that I could stop asking, "What's wrong with me?  Why do I keep doing this?  Why does this keep getting worse?"  I could let go of the "why" and focus on the "What's next?"

This has held true for me again and again.  In one of my most healing journal entries I wrote about how I am powerless over my past.  I told a good friend about this and she was very bothered by it.  She had lived a similar past to mine and to her it was very important to declare power over it.  But for me it was such a beautiful thing to let go of trying to have that power.  Accepting that I am powerless means that I don't have to beat myself up over the things that still affect me.  I don't know why I'm still bothered by things that happened when I was 4.  I don't understand it.  But I am.  Sometimes I'm so bothered by them I can barely function.  Now, I could spend all day trying to figure out why exactly it still bothers me so much.  Or I could accept that I am powerless over what happened to me and the effects of it.  I can accept that regardless of the reasons, the issue is there, and I can decide what I'm going to do next to handle it.  Now I get to save hours and hours of time that would've been spent trying to figure out.  Now I don't have to care why!  That doesn't mean I get out of dealing with it...just that I get out of fighting with it's very existence.

Recently I've been struggling with some huge fears related to social situations.  Again I don't know why I struggle so much with them.  I don't know why it's such an issue for me.  Logically I know they're pretty ridiculous fears, but that doesn't stop them from being there.  So I accept that I'm powerless over the fact that these fears exist.  Then I can stop questioning and decide what I'm going to do next to overcome them.

When you add in the next 2 steps of AA, coming to believe in a higher power that can restore you to sanity, and turning things over to that higher power, it completes the circle.  When these issues come up I don't have to fight them.  I accept that they're there and I say "Higher power, I'm stuck and I don't know what to do with this.  Please help me."  And over time these things go away...and I find the right path to keep moving forward.  But it's a beautiful thing to be able to let go of what used to plague me for hours, days, and even years!  I just let it go out in to the air, out for my higher power to deal with.  Because whether I fight, stress, argue with the universe, etc. something is going to happen one way or the other.  So now I let it go, and do the best I can to keep walking in the right direction.

As odd as it may sound, being powerless has given me so much confidence and taken away so many fears.  I've realized now that the results aren't up to me.  I do the very best that I can do, and leave the rest up to the universe and my higher power.  I don't want to have all the power because that means I have to have all the answers.  I have the power over myself and my decisions, but I have no power over how others react.  For example, I decide how much effort I put forth on a homework assignment.  But I have no real power over what grade I get.  Sometimes I don't even have power over how I react to things...since I react based on all the other factors already mentioned.  But the one thing I know I have power over is the level of effort I put in.  I do my best to make the best decisions I can.  Everything else I let go of and leave up to the universe and my higher power.  Such a simpler life than what I used to live!

I'm not sure if this makes any sense to anyone else or just sounds like lots of circles.  Either way, it's what works for me. :)  I recently heard a speaker say: "I'm not responsible for my disease, but I'm responsible for my recovery."  Basically that sums it all up for me.

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I think today I'm grateful for the internet.  It's hard to imagine what I would've done if I'd been born a couple of decades earlier and didn't have this huge wealth of resources and support literally at my fingertips!