I'm irritated. I might be a hypocrite for being irritated, but I am. Many of the people around me seem to be stuck in that ugly place I used to be. They're quick to tell me about their problems, but not quick to make an effort towards solving any of them. They're quick to say how it's not fair, and how no one understands. They've got a list a mile long of why they can't do this or that. I'm irritated because they're my friends, but right now they're sucking the life out of me. Things are pretty positive for me right now. I'm working through my fears and making big progress in my life. But my positivity isn't all that strong yet. I have to guard it carefully, and I've told my friends this. I'm willing to be there for a friend in need, but I'm not willing to spend time around someone who is always telling me why they're the victim and how life has hurt them.
I feel like a hypocrite because that's where I was not long ago at all. But I've worked my ass off to get out of there. Now these same friends tell me they're jealous of me. When I try to tell them what I did to get from point A to point B I can see them tune out. The excuses begin. "Well you could do that because _____." "I can't do this because ______." Of course we all have our different struggles, but I didn't get anywhere until I stopped making those excuses and started working for things.
No one could've made me make changes before I was ready. I get that. I get that I have to let these friends find their own way. But that leaves me with two options: 1.) Allow myself to be dragged down by them, or 2.) distance myself from them. I have a very strong support system, so I know I'll be ok, but of course I don't want things to change with the people close to me. I've brought them close to me for a reason.
I'm realizing now it's also a struggle because they're acting the way I'm fighting so hard not to act. And they get the results I used to crave. (OK still do sometimes crave). It makes it so freaking hard to want to do things the "right" way. I spent years telling everyone how broken I am, and getting lots of love and hugs and people telling me how wonderful I am in response. It felt good, but I was subconsciously telling myself over and over again that I wasn't worth anything more and that I couldn't be anymore. Also I always ended up feeling empty, because that kind of attention isn't lasting. We all need it sometimes, but it doesn't make you feel fulfilled for the long terms. That comes from, as I see it, earning your worth in your own mind. I've had to prove to myself through hard work that I can be more. I'm happy with the results but sometimes it's tiring. When you do more, people expect more from you. Sometimes I just want to melt into the puddle and join the comparing sob stories game. But that's not who I am anymore.
A little while back I learned that a woman I really respect has quite the horror story of a past. But you'd never know from looking at her. She is strong, beautiful, confident, funny, outspoken, etc. I was drawn to her from the day I met her as someone I wanted to get to know, and I'm so glad I have. I've never seen her do the pity party about all the horrible stuff she went through (though she'd have every right to based on the little bit I know). I've never seen her sit around mopey telling everyone it's not fair what the world did to her. I don't know how I would've reacted to her if she'd been like that when I'd met her. I'm sure I would've connected with her, but I don't know if I would've been drawn to her and had the respect for her like I did. I know when I look at her, and I look at my "mopey friends," I want to be like her.
I know that sometimes in life we "outgrow" our friends. It doesn't mean we have to leave them, but relationships change. I don't know if that's what's happening for me now. What I know is that I'm finding myself mad at my friends. I'm mad that they don't appear to be coming on this journey with me. I'm trying to fix them so I can keep them at my side, no matter how much I know they have to do it themselves and I'm probably just pissing them off. This is a new one for me. I've never been on this side of it. It's weird because I was so recently on the broken side, but my friends seem to have forgotten that. They keep giving me all these reasons why I can heal and they can't. But somehow they don't see that it was just a few little baby steps that got me on the journey from there to where I am now. They just see what looks like a big change now. I was willing to take the step out of bitterness and victimhood and ask for help...and then take that help and run with it and become the person I am now. I still have a looooong ways to go. The farther ahead I go, the more I realize I still have to do. I want to keep moving forward and I really want my friends to be there with me. I'm afraid I'm instead going to go backwards towards them.
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I'm grateful because this is a rather kickass problem to have. Not only do I have friends but I've also made substantial enough forward progress that this is even an issue, and that people are jealous of me! Ok I don't exactly want people to be jealous of me, but it's cool because it shows me that I'm where my past self would've only dreamt of.
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