"Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs."
"On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?"
"You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism or any addiction for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language but isn't it true?"
It was the topic for the meeting I went to tonight. It started as being focused on the insanity we went through while drinking and trying to get sober. But someone mentioned how he can "jaywalk" in any aspect of his life...which changed the focus a bit. This concept really clicked for me. I know how to do better with so many things in my life...but for some reason I continuously go back to the old ways. Anymore, that doesn't mean drinking (or cutting or any of my other old dangerous addictions). But there are so many ways I sabotage my own success for a "thrill" I don't really understand.I have a lot of goals right now. I want to find a job. I want to truly clean up my apartment so it looks like a grown-up lives here, not a kid who's been left home alone too long. I want to start focusing on living my own life, not feeling like a kid still looking for mommy. I want to stop being an insomniac so I can stop being constantly exhausted during the day. I want to lose weight and get healthy. I want to stop being afraid of everything.
I have a lot of great ideas of how to accomplish these goals. I write to-do lists. I make schedules. I make plans to do a little bit each day. I research skills and strategies. I get ideas from others. And I find solutions that work. And I stick to those solutions for all of a day or two. I guess it's reverse addict behavior. Rather than getting stuck on something, I won't give anything a long enough time for it to stick.
Right now it's late, and I should be sleeping. But instead I'm jaywalking. I'm breaking all my own rules. I didn't follow my bedtime routine that I'm trying to do every night to get my mind and body in sleep mode. I have my computer in my bedroom, on my bed with me (electronics and activity in bed are both supposed to be big no-nos). I didn't exercise today. I haven't been following through with waking up at the same time every day to get in to a sleep routine. It's frustrating because I know the right things to do, I just don't do them. But it fits with this story. I know I could feel better, but I don't take the simple actions necessary to do so. Why? I have no idea. I don't know why I was lazy today and didn't go exercise...except that I was tired. Because I didn't go to bed until super late the night before. Because I wasn't tired then. But at some point I have to get out of this cycle and I don't know how. I don't know how to get myself to follow through on even baby steps. I end almost every day frustrated by what I was supposed to do and didn't do. I try to celebrate the little baby steps of progress, but sometimes it's hard to even find those. I'm really good at making plans and splitting things into itty bitty steps, but for some reason I'm not good at following through on those steps. Frustrating.
I think it all comes down to a fear of success, which I'm going to get in to in another post. I'm still really really terrified of doing well in the world. For that reason I sabotage. I convince myself to play computer games rather than take the next step on my path. What sucks the most though? I take away from my own passions. I get so excited about things. But rather than let myself act on the passion I undermine myself. Whether it's a class, a hobby, or anything else...I know it's what I want to do, and I'm excited about it. But then I sit down and do something way less fulfilling instead. Maybe it's a fear of putting my full self in to my passions. Maybe that means that the true fear is one of failure. I really don't know.
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I'm grateful for the support of people locally and around the world via the wonderful interwebs. I'm also grateful for online games and tv. As long as I'm wasting time online, I might as well be having some fun! And now I'm playing quality games and watching (somewhat) quality tv rather than the stupid daytime shit that's on the channels I get!
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