I've been struggling with a lot of fear lately. It's hard because I'm kind of afraid of everything. It's not like it used to be, where I was afraid of walking out my front door, afraid of what people might do, afraid of what might be behind every bush or around every corner, etc. Now it's more a fear of the future. I think it's because next week I'm starting my final semester of school. I'm soooo ready to graduate and so tired of being a student, but I'm also comfortable being a student. I'm scared of entering the working world for real. I've had plenty of jobs before but they've all been just jobs....no experience required...working around lots of other people doing the exact same thing. The whole reason for going to school is to step in to more of a career. Have a real role somewhere...rather than one of 50+ camp counselors or something. (Not that there's anything wrong with being a camp counselor...its just different when you're being hired as part of a big group for a seasonal/temporary job). I guess I've been a nanny where it's been just me...but anyway...it's just different to be looking at jobs where I'll actually be using this degree that I've been working so hard on. I worry about if I'll be able to find a job, if I'll be any good at it, if I'll actually like it, etc. I'd hate to think that all this time and energy has gotten me to something that doesn't work for me. (Even though I know it's good knowledge that I'll use somehow, even if it's not the way I have planned currently). I'm also at a place in life where all my friends are getting married and starting families. My last single hold-outs both just tied the knot, and one is pregnant. I, on the other hand, still struggle to take care of myself. I've never had a real relationship with anyone. I worry that by the time I'm ready to have a family I'll be too old. I don't want to be having kids at a point in my life where I'll be elderly when they're teenagers! (Ok I'm not that old yet...but still!).
Anyway...on top of all this fear, I've realized that what I fear as much, if not more, is success. I'm not sure exactly why, but I've caught myself a lot lately sabotaging myself....as I mentioned in an earlier post. Success has always scared me a bit, because it means more responsibility. When I first got out of the hospital I was put in an intensive treatment program where I had at least 12 hours of therapy a week. I had a lot of people looking out for me. As I got better I dropped those services one by one. Each time they practically had to kick me out. Even though I wanted to move on with my life I was scared to not have that giant wrap around safety net. School is a safety net in a sense. Also, as I get healthier, people expect more from me. That's a good thing. I want to be a functioning, productive member of society. I don't want people to have to take care of me. But I miss the days that I could just go get drunk and not give a fuck about anything. Now I actually care about consequences to things and have very real stuff I could lose...friends, potential jobs, my apartment, etc. I'm very grateful for all those things...but sometimes they frustrate/scare me because it's more potential loss. (Yes I realize how crazy this sounds as I write it).
I mentioned these fears at the meeting I went to tonight, and got a lot of really great responses. One comment that came up multiple times was learning to believe that we're worth success. That really hit home for me. Part of the frustration I've had lately is that I'm still being held down by my past, and my child self would be so angry to see me so many years removed from what happened and yet still living so much under the weight of it. But at the same time, it's hard to believe that I can be anything else. When you're told day after day for years that you're nothing, lower than dirt, and barely deserving of breathing the same air as those around you....how do you turn that around to believe you can be, or deserve to be, anything different? It's hard for me to imagine myself as a successful person. Heck I still struggle to picture myself as an adult. I know I am the age of an adult, but when I picture myself in my mind I still see a hurting child searching for mommy. That is a hard image to give up. It's hard to believe that I could be a successful person all on my own. So maybe this fear of success is thinking that I must be missing something. As one girl put it, my life is about finding all the ways that I'm a piece of shit, because that's what I believe about myself, so that I can hide those things from you so you won't see what a piece of shit I really am. I don't fully believe that about myself anymore, but when I really get down to it I don't think I see myself as having the same worth as other people. That continues to be a huge struggle for me....though I like to picture all people as souls without their human bodies....because then we truly are equal in worth.
So I'm trying now to picture myself as a successful person...not because of any kind of picture it and it will come type affirmation thing, but just because I want to adjust to that image as a potential reality that could actually be some day. I'm also going to continue to try to acknowledge my day to day successes. Because of my black and white thinking I get so stuck in, it's hard for me to see myself and anything I'm doing as good unless I'm being told regularly that I'm the best. Since obviously that doesn't happen often, I see other people around me getting awards for things and just being amazing at things and use that as a reason why I'm not good enough. (Wow that's a topic for another whole post! Yikes!).
Anyway, the last thing I learned from this meeting was/is that focusing on fears makes them grow....even if that focus is in trying to get them to go away or in thinking about how irrational they are. You're still giving in to them by acknowledging them like that. Instead, the focus has to be on taking action and doing the next right thing. Most fears come with a built in action plan to get around them. It's just a matter of staying in the action and keep moving forward, without getting frustrated that it's not enough (like i've been doing lately). The AA big book describes the process of "trudging the road to happy destiny," and that fits for me right now...trudging. But continue to focus on all the potential fears makes them harder to deal with. Also, as another girl pointed out and I am unfortunately already very aware....if I spent even half the time I spend worrying on taking action...I probably could've taken over the world by now! Or at least made some big changes for the better in my life. Rather than fearing that I'm not where I should be, I could've made a ton of progress towards getting there. Unfortunately I usually don't realize that I'm in fear until I've been at it for hours. My fear doesn't show itself as straight out worry anymore. Instead it's just avoidance and distraction. I stare at my to-do list that keeps growing because I'm not doing any of the items, and then I go play a computer game so I don't have to look anymore. I keep saying I'm going to re-resolve to do better and start picking things off that list, but hours later I catch myself playing games, or laying around watching tv or doing other useless shit. A little of that is fine, especially when it's planned as a break, but when it's hours where I totally lose myself in it, it's not healthy and I end up feeling way worse afterwards because I'm still buried in unfinished tasks...still stuck. But at least I've been getting out to meetings, keeping my apartment clean, etc., so there has been some action and progress. Slow, slow trudging.
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I'm grateful for this AA club I go to. It's just an amazing, accepting group of people who are so kind and caring even when telling me the tough stuff I really need to hear. Multiple people thanked me for being willing to be vulnerable and talk about this stuff in front of the group, and others mentioned what a big step it is to be able to acknowledge the fear, name it, and admit it/talk about it to others. And I got soooo much good, kind feedback, it was just amazing. I'm so so lucky I have places like this one that I can go and be at home, no matter where I'm at in life. (And others asked about stuff I'd mentioned in another meeting a while back, with genuine concern about how it was going....even after 2 years I'm still amazed by the amount of genuine care and connection that goes on!).
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