Wow it's been a while since I've written! My life is actually busy now, which is cool. I'm starting to have friends so I have stuff to do and places to go. It's making me happy but leaving me a lot less time for things like blogging. I do want to tell a quick story that happened to me tonight (ok, ok, my stories are never quick, but i'll try! lol). It's similar to my last post, but a bit different.
I went to a meeting this afternoon/evening. The topic was fear of being judged by others and what others are thinking of you. It turned in to the idea that you can't save your ass and save your face at the same time, which I think might be my new favorite quote.
I wasn't really planning on saying anything, because this is one of the bigger meetings I go to and it's hard to get a word in. I'm still not great at talking in front of ppl so i'm definitely not one to jump in and fight for a chance to talk. But as I listened to people talk, I realized I did have something to say.
I jumped in and said first that I'd been amazed by a particular moment. I'd been on my way to meet up with a group of people that I'd met through AA for a social thing. I wasn't feeling my best....not bad, just tired and a little "off." But as I was thinking that I realized that I was totally ok with it because I didn't feel like I had to wear a mask with these people. It amazed me to realize that I felt totally ok with going to see them and I wasn't worried about trying to prove anything or be someone I wasn't. That was a totally new feeling for me.
From there I realized that my wearing a mask was all because of fear. My life was falling apart and I knew it, so I somehow thought if I kept up a good front on the outside, maybe the falling apart stuff wouldn't be so real. Until of course that denial exploded in my face and I ended u needing AA (and the hospital, but I didn't mention that part).
At that point I realized that there was no more hiding my brokenness, but I was still terrified. I started to talk to my sponsor about it but every time I was terrified. Every time I admitted anything I was sure she was going to run away or hate me or freak out or whatever else. Some of those things seem small now, but they all felt HUGE then. But every time I told her something she basically responded with "oh, ok." That was a total shock to me, but it allowed me to keep getting stuff out. It allowed me to see that I am someone outside of my past...a person that has something to offer. And now I've had moments where people have told me that I've done something meaningful, and that is just amazing to me because I never thought I could. Even if it's just talking to them at a meeting or taking time to get to know them. When people tell me I can do something meaningful, and I see that I have something to offer, I find a confidence that amazes me. Sometimes afterwards I drive home in shock thinking "where did that come from?" But I know there is worth inside of me so I'm less afraid of what people are thinking because they don't define my worth. I'm not to the point of fully not caring what other people think, but I'm learning to speak out for myself.
Ok it was something like that. Obviously I'm paraphrasing. It was cool though...the words just flowed and I was able to look around and see people and talk to people rather than just trying to stare at the wall or the ceiling and being totally nervous. I even noticed a couple of ppl tearing up while I was talking. After the meeting a bunch of ppl came up to me and thanked me for what I said and said they thought it was really good. One woman (one of the ones who had been teary) who I've met before (and is very new to AA) told me, "Wow, you really have a way with words." I laughed out loud when she said that. She replied with, "No, I'm serious! You really touched me deeply." I said sorry, that I knew she was serious, but it was funny to me because usually when I try to speak at a meeting I have great thoughts in my head but my mind goes blank as soon as I see everyone looking at me. That's actually happened quite a few times that I'll completely forget what I was going to say or even what the topic is. So it's really amazing to me when the words just flow like they did tonight. I told her what my sponsor has told me before, that when something needs to be said, god will provide the words. When I told my sponsor about it afterwards, she said that as I go on it will become easier and more natural to speak like that and just let the words come without being scared. We'll see.
Anyway, it was really cool to know that what I said touched so many people, and it was great for me to be able to speak all that. As you may be seeing from my last post, this separating myself from my past and being able to see some worth in myself has been a theme lately. It's been truly amazing. I have confidence that's so unbelievable I just can't describe it. After spending my life being terrified of social situations (and just about everything else), I can now walk in to a group of people with my head held high. That's something I've NEVER done! I'm still entirely socially awkward, but there's just a different feeling inside. The only way that I can explain it is that I feel worth. I'm not afraid of people (or at least not as afraid) anymore because I have worth too.
I've been talking at almost every meeting I've been to lately, so I guess I have a lot to say. At yesterday's meeting the topic was the concept of "we" in the 12 steps and that nothing is written as "I" because the fellowship is a key part. I spoke then too and was able to speak from my heart about seeing similarities in ppl I've met rather than differences, and how amazing it is that I now have ppl who know my quirks and accept me anyway....and ppl I can talk to on a good day or a bad one...and how I'm starting to have real fun again...that I remember, am not embarrassed by, am not pretending, and that I don't wake up sick from the next day. A lot of ppl thanked me for saying that too, so I guess it was meaningful.
The night before the topic was anger, and I spoke about how anger is a feeling and I used to run away from my feelings or stuff them deep down inside. But now I understand that the idea isn't to not get angry. Shit happens and we get angry. It's just a feeling, and if we aren't getting angry we're not really living, because the fact is there's bad shit in the world and we can't let people walk all over us. We have to feel our anger, and then decide what to do with it. The trick is all in how we handle it.
Anyway the point I'm trying to make here (and I know i've gone well beyond quick story! lol) is that the world is starting to make sense to me. I just feel....different. I'm starting to feel more alive. My sponsor told me that once I got through all the stuff from my past with her I'd start to feel a new freedom. I didn't really believe her then but it seems to be true now. I don't remember ever feeling this way in my life. Ever. I guess I just feel like a valued human being, and that's pretty damn cool.
Thanks for reading. Not sure if this actually makes sense to anyone but it feels good to express. Thank you all for being a part of this healing journey of mine.
:>)
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