Part 2

I forgot to add a fun/entertaining part of my meeting from last night.

The AA club that I go to now takes a meeting every thursday night to the psych ward where I was inpatient.  I've been really wanting to go because I think it would be good for me to tell my story there and to start to face my fear of hospitals.  I'm hesitant though, because no matter how much I know they'll let me out afterwards it's still a very creepy place for me to walk in to.  Heck just going to the urgent care clinic the other day and having them put a hospital-like bracelet on me was enough to totally freak me out!    Anyway, it was my first exposure to AA (though it was a different group that came in, since it wasn't tuesday), so one day I will return.

The reason I mention this is because that same woman that told me I have a way with words started talking about other meetings she'd like to go to.  She asked if I'd been to the hospital one.  I told her, "Only from the patient side."  Her jaw dropped down to the floor!  She kept asking me, "really?!"  She asked if I committed myself or if someone else committed me and I said, "They committed me.  Handcuffs, tied to the bed, the whole bit."  She asked me a few more questions about it but the shock never left her face.  I figure there's lots of different ways I can think about this.  I choose:

1. I don't look like a crazy person that needs to be locked up in a mental hospital.  Woohoo!  (Of course lots of crazy ppl don't look the part, but I'm taking it as a compliment....especially considering she'd just heard me talk at a meeting and still didn't think I was crazy!).

2. I'm actually comfortable talking about my hospital stuff without freaking out.  Of course I wouldn't walk up to some random person on the street and start talking about it because it's not anyone's business, but in a place where it might be useful (like an AA meeting) it's not a big deal to me anymore.  I'm not terrified of it anymore.  Ok maybe a little terrified but the memories are far removed and I have a support system in place now so i'm not likely to end up back like that again.  Also I'm not ashamed of it anymore because that's not who I am now.  Really, it never was who I am.  It all comes back to that wonderful idea that who I am is separate from what's happened to me.  I actually really enjoyed shocking this woman with my story (which may be taking it too far...but yeah...lol).  I think it makes my story more meaningful though...because she's only really known me as my "doing ok" self...so to know that i came from a really crappy place shows there's hope for others too.  And I'm gonna stop talking now or I'm going to get in to a whole big sentimental thing about how that's why AA is so cool cus we see ppl truly transform and that gives so much hope and yada yada yada.  So yeah...stopping here. :)