It's going to be ok

When I first started seeing Stupidface I was in a constant state of panic.  My life was out of control.  Between the PTSD and the drinking and the suicidal thoughts I was an absolute wreck.  I did not trust myself to stay alive.  He told me repeatedly that it was going to be ok.  He would say that no matter what happens, you can know that it's going to be ok.

This used to confuse the hell out of me and piss me off so much.  Clearly it wasn't ok.  What could he possibly be talking about?  I was dying inside and he's telling me it's going to be ok?  But lately, it's begun to make sense to me.

Lately I've had these moments where things actually are ok.  I find myself with a group of people (AA meetings) who are actually happy to see me.  I have places I belong.  I have times where I'm not afraid.  In these times, however short they may be, things are ok.  There is peace.

The funny thing is, I'm equally confused by good or bad.  Of course the struggles, the pain, the flashbacks make me want to drink.  I want to be numb.  I want to do anything to be numb.  But today, I finished with my last final and I felt so good.  So good that I wanted to run out and celebrate.  And I realized then that I have no idea how to celebrate like a healthy person.  My good emotions are just as out of control as the bad ones.

Thankfully it was scheduled perfectly so that as soon as I was done with school stuff I could go straight to one of my very favorite meetings.  I haven't been able to go to this meeting all semester because of my class, but last week and tonight I could.  It's a women's meeting and there are many incredible women there that I really feel a connection with.  The topic just so happened to be the addiction to chaos and how to enjoy something good and peaceful rather than turning it into the mess that we're familiar with.  I spoke (which isn't easy for me) and talked about my struggles with not trusting the peace and thinking I must be missing something...and about how I'm afraid to be happy because I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for the misery to be worse later....and about finals and how I was overwhelmed by the excitement feelings and they felt just as uncertain as the bad.  The amazing thing was I just spoke, and I wasn't scared.  I spoke for a lot longer than I normally do.  Usually even if I have more to say I get nervous and forget so I just say one little thing and that's it.  But tonight the words were just there.  I said it all and people listened, laughed (with me, not at me.. lol), nodded, and knew just what I was saying.

Just by saying that, and hearing what others had to say, the feelings went away.  Not all the good left, but the overwhelming stuff that was leading to fear.  I just felt content.  I walked outside and the air felt different....calmer maybe.  I felt a part of the world rather than surrounded by a world that seems menacing.  For that moment, I wasn't afraid.  I drove home with a smile glued to my face.  I really couldn't stop smiling.  Because for right then, everything was ok.  I know I have a lot of hard stuff to deal with, and a big uphill battle, but I understand now what Stupidface was telling me so long ago.  If you stick it out and don't sabotage, the peace will come back.  It will be ok.  And that means that I'm going to be ok.  I'm going to hurt, and I'm going to struggle, but I'm also going to be ok.  I can keep with it, keep taking these baby steps, and I can be ok.  That's amazing.