It's not me

I have a lot I want to say here, but I've been struggling to find the time, energy, and focus to post.  Tonight I just want to say a quick little something, especially because I couldn't get a hold of my sponsor to tell her about this.  I need to get it out somewhere, so I'm glad to have you all. :)

I surprised myself at a meeting tonight.  I shared, and I cried.  I haven't done that in a while.  I've been feeling good.  Surprisingly good.  I've actually been talking people's ears off about how good I feel, because I'm so fucking amazed that I can feel good.  I'm starting to take actual deep breaths.  I didn't know it, but I wasn't taking full breaths because my chest was always tight from anxiety.  I'm starting to see what my shoulders can feel like when they're not so tense it's painful.  These things were all just normal to me.  I didn't know there was another way.

But back to tonight.  The topic was acceptance.  The woman who brought it up was talking about dealing with family and her kids.  Most everyone that spoke also was talking about dealing with kids.  Since I of course don't have kids, I figured I didn't have much to say about it...though EVERYONE has something to say about acceptance.  (I think even non-alkies do, but a huge part of recovery is learning to accept the things you cannot change, as impossibly hard as that is sometimes).  Anyway I had something in the back of my mind, so when there was a bit of a lull at the end I decided to speak on what I've been learning about acceptance.  I've been working through some of my past shit with my sponsor and it's been intense. I've been having to work towards accepting what happened to me, as well as what I did as a result.

I wanted to share it as a bit of "bragging," but I instantly got choked up.  I barely made it through what I was trying to say, and didn't say as much as I'd planned.  But I think what I said is important.  I said that the lesson I've come to in accepting these things is that what happened to me and what I did aren't me.  They're a part of my story, yes, but they're not who I am.  And while I haven't made it to loving myself yet, I'm accepting myself as a decent human being.  I finished by saying, "I just wanted to say that out loud."  And I did.  I'd been thinking it in my head, but it was kind of incredible to hear myself saying it out loud, in front of a group of people.  I am not defined by my past.  It is not my identity.  It's not who I am.  It's not me.