I had a good day today. Really I did. Now apparently my brain wants to end it by going over details of the past and "figuring out" the why's of it all. I wish I could get my brain to accept that I'll never know the answer. There's an endless list of "How could they...?" and "to such a little child!" I don't get it. I don't know that it's possible to get. If I got it it would probably scare me more. But my brain seems to want to play out these scenes over and over again...wondering why they did it....wanting to know how they could do such horrible things...wanting to know why they don't have any remote sense of conscience. I was watching a tv show earlier today about prisons. They interviewed a serial killer and this man said, "I could never hurt a child. Never. Children are innocent and defenseless." A fucking serial killer! Even someone who's killed multiple people wouldn't do what they did! (Granted I don't think they would kill people...but who knows).
I just need my brain to shut up now. Why can't I stop asking the unanswerable questions? Why do I have to keep seeing/feeling/experiencing this over and over again like suddenly it's all going to make sense. I KNOW it won't and yet I can't make it stop. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
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