Part 2

This is a continuation of last night's post, because I'm not sure I made sense then. Even if I did, I just have more to think through.

I'm realizing why this apartment is so hard for me to leave. Yes part of it is being afraid of change, being attached to the place, etc. But the real thing is how much I changed here.

When I got here I was essentially homeless. The friend I was staying with wouldn't have let me end up on the streets, but I know she was tired of having me in her living room. I was terrified. I had decided that I did want to live but I had no idea how and was afraid that I couldn't. I was going to IOP and therapy but it was so hard for me to say a word there. I was barely sleeping at all. I spent most nights in the living room doing something or other because I couldn't relax at all. As soon as I laid down I'd start panicking so I just stopped going to bed. When I did I was curled up in the corner. I was drinking every night and absolutely could not manage any kind of long-term sobriety. (Well, I think I had started an effort at sobriety since I was in IOP but it was a really half-assed effort because I didn't believe in it).

Today I'm sober for almost 3 months. I sleep more or less normal hours, and the nightmares are becoming more rare. I can think straight and rationally without the panic and craziness interrupting my thoughts. I'm not in perpetual crisis mode. I go to regular AA meetings (something I NEVER thought I'd do). I have so much more of a life now...as well as hope for the future. I can actually visualize something positive happening in my future.

So this apartment was the site of such a huge transition. As many issues as there have been...had I not lived here I wouldn't have met my sponsor and my amazing support system. I would've missed out on so much healing. I can't just say good riddance to it. As I sit in my now empty living room, remembering coming in for the first time, it's just amazing to relive it. I've now not only recovered from the crisis that put me in the hospital, but I may just be as strong as I've ever been. I kept a level head through all of this packing and cleaning stuff. I stayed focused even through the fear. Well I'm not quite done yet, but almost. :) I feel like this move is very symbolic of graduating from this part of my life. I'm moving in to a new chapter with the new, more stable me. I'll take the lessons with me, but leave the crisis behind. It's interesting that I'm likely going to be graduating from IOP very soon as well. My life really is changing, and I'm really growing. I'm definitely in a place I never could've imagined a year ago. I guess I just need to be grateful for all the help I've been given over these months, and celebrate the progress I've made. I just can't help but be a bit emotional about it right now.