Hooray!

I got some great news from my doctor today!

I've been really fidgety lately...really bad to the point where I just physically can't sit still at all (I've always been fidgety, I have ADD after all, but NOTHING like this). I asked him if this could be a side effect from meds and he said this kind of restlessness is a fairly common side effect of one of the meds I'm on. This is really good news because it means that at least I know where it's coming from and I know I'm not going crazy. It's hard to explain but it's a really bizarre feeling...like my body goes crazy if I can't move, kind of like an itch I can't scratch, so it's good to know there's a reason for it. When the dr. described the side effect it fit perfectly.

So that's the good news. The even better news is that my dr thinks it's ok to lessen the dose and eventually get me off of it all together. Now that I'm in a more stable place, it's been frustrating for me to be on so many different meds. I mean I'm quitting drinking but yet taking all these pills every day! Yes I know the difference between self-medicating and working w/a doctor, and I'm definitely not opposed to meds overall, but I'm on a lot right now. I've talked w/the dr about this before and he said he wanted me to get some more sober time before we change anything to make sure I'm not pushed towards self-medicating. Soooo...his being willing to reduce my dose is a huge vote of confidence in my ability to stay sober and have the presence of mind to deal with my panic attacks and flashbacks when they do come up. (This med is for flashbacks...it was an absolute wonder drug when I was in crisis while inpatient, but less necessary now. My flashbacks are still tough to deal with, but they aren't terrifying now and don't take me away completely like they did before. Now I can be rational enough to know what to do to take care of myself even in the midst of them. Yay!) I think this is a big sign of how far I've come. Oh, and by the way this is day 80 on the sobriety front. How's that for exciting? :)

The other great news about all of this is that apparently one of the other very common side effects for this med is weight gain. That's something I've been having major issues with lately and it's been really depressing. I've been trying to work out more and eat at least decently well but it seems like the pants just keep getting tighter. I know I'm not fully healthy with food and exercise, but it never occurred to me that that could be related to the meds either. So I'm getting less pills to take, (hopefully) an end to the painful fidgety stuff, possible weight loss, and a big vote of confidence in both my sobriety and my ability to handle my own thoughts. Yay! Of course I would love some good thoughts/prayers/vibes/etc. that this all works out in a positive way and the decrease doesn't affect me negatively.

I feel really good today. For the first time ever I'm feeling truly grateful for my sober life.

Tomorrow is moving day. I'm excited but a bit nervous. I haven't slept much for the last few nights, I'm thinking because my thoughts have been racing. I feel mostly at peace about the decision on the outside, but there's a lot of those nagging little subconscious fears...mainly that if I make any big changes right now the recovery that i've built is going to come crashing down. I know that's not the case, but I've got this great foundation built now, I'm scared to risk knocking any beams loose! I'll let ya'll know how it goes.