Grown-up

I'm finding my way out of the downward spiral.

Monday was a very dark day. I had a fall out of sorts with my sponsor...mostly due to my own trust issues. I don't want to go into details now, but I'll try to give a quick version.

Basically, i'm realizing how much I'm relying on my sponsor and it scares the shit outta me. I have all sorts of abandonment fears, and I know right now I'd be lost w/out her. Combine that with the fact that i'm getting to a point in the aa program which involves getting in to some more personal stuff. I just got scared. I tried to be willing but on monday when i met w/my sponsor I panicked. I was supposed to start sharing some of the stuff I'd written but instead I just got scared she would leave me if I did. Then I got stuck between wanting to beg her to stay and also wanting to push her away to keep myself "safe." The end result was that I couldn't seem to get any words out, and she essentially told me to come back when I was ready. That really freaked me out because in my head I was losing her.

I flipped out. I went home and cried my eyes out. But this is where the grown-up part comes in. My gut reaction was to get pissed, say fuck it, and swear off aa and recovery all together. But instead I talked/vented to a friend, went for a long walk, and then went to my meeting that night even though I really didn't want to. That got me through the night though I still felt lost and scared. Tuesday I talked to some ppl online on some different recovery sites to get some ideas/advice. One person asked me if I was going to drink over it. I said I didn't know. She told me to decide and stick with it. So I did. I decided I wasn't going to drink over it. I spent the rest of Tuesday focusing on homework, though I was still pissed and ignored my sponsor's calls when she called in the afternoon. After class I felt lonely and managed to call someone I've been talking to a bit more after meetings. She was incredibly kind and supportive, and made me feel like I had a safety net in the midst of the downward spiral. She got me calm and regrouped enough that I was able to answer when my sponsor called late that night (3rd time in a day...weird). We didn't talk much but at least we talked.

Today I gave it more thought and started to come to terms with exactly how I'm feeling and why. (it's one of those things that I understand logically how it's related to my past but it still makes it hard to change). I decided I would talk to Stupidface about it during my afternoon appt. with him but during my lunch time decided it was important to find a time to talk to her and at least figure out where we stand since we're at this weird stale mate thing. So I called sponsor and asked if we could meet later in the afternoon and she said yes. Stupidface and I discussed how to talk about it with her, though he said he was impressed at how well I was able to verbalize it on my own.

To make a long story slightly less long...I met with her and even though I did it verbal diarrhea style I was able to be brave and get out what I needed to. We came to an agreement that works for both of us and I feel much better about it. I feel much calmer than I have in a long time. It's actually pretty amazing considering how desperate I felt just 2 days ago.

Looking back, I'm really proud of myself that I took the grown-up route. I didn't go out and drink at anyone. I didn't yell or scream or say mean things to anyone. I didn't do anything to hurt myself. I was rational, came up with solutions to get out of the depths, and I never gave up.

Stupidface and I have been talking about how a part of me only knows how to get attention through being the victim. It's pretty cool to look back and see that I stood up for myself and did the right thing.
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I'm grateful for my sponsor's understanding of me even when I feel like she really doesn't get it. Even though she scared the hell out of me, I think she does get that I need a little extra reassurance. She now understands how scared I am to share with her the stuff that I'm writing, and is now willing to agree that it's ok for me to read just one word if that's all I can do. As long as I'm willing. Even when she drives me crazy I do have a good sponsor.