You don't have to drink over it

It's funny how sometimes seem to suddenly make sense long after our first encounter with them. We think we get it when we first see or hear it, but the real meaning doesn't click until later. I had one of those moments today.

Every wednesday I go to a big book study meeting. For the non AA'ers out there, the big book is basically the equivalent of the bible for AA. It lays out the program in detail and then has a series of stories of different people's experiences with drinking and recovery. Pretty much everything that goes on in AA is based out of the big book.

This week we were reading a story of a young person who starts going to AA after getting in trouble with drinking while away at school. He ends up opening up to a man who had been in recovery much longer, and for the first time spills everything that's going on in his life. When he's done, the man simply says, "You don't have to drink over it."

For the young person telling the story this was a revelation. It was the first time he had really thought about reacting to events in his life without alcohol. For me it seemed a rather strange statement, and unfairly dumbed down to say to a person who had just poured out his heart.

But I found myself randomly thinking about this statement more today. I've been under a lot of weight recently from past memories and pain creeping in. I've been on the emotional roller coaster, mostly between anger and fear. I've felt consistently overwhelmed at the mere thought of eventually having to face all this shit (which will have to happen for me to remain truly sober). The reality is hitting me that all my life I've been doing everything I can to push all this pain away, hide from it, or numb myself from it. Now I'm giving up my last layer of defense. Yikes. Then add to that the intense amount of rage i've been feeling for having to be in this situation in the first place. It's not right what happened to me. So much was taken away from me and while I know life wasn't meant to be fair, it's just so so so unfair.

At a particularly difficult point in all of these thoughts today, this phrase suddenly leapt back in to my head. This time it was a holy shit kind of a moment. Suddenly it hit me. Smacked me in the face really. What I went through was horrific, but that doesn't mean I have to, or get to, drink over it. I wasn't at fault for what happened. I couldn't have stopped it. But drinking because of it now helps no one. It doesn't give me any revenge. It doesn't help me feel any better. And it most definitely doesn't change the past. By using my victim role all I am doing is taking away my own chance to heal.

And boy have I been using it! Maybe not outwardly, but in my head I've been trying to convince myself and the world that no one should tell me not to drink (or not to act on any other addictions) because they don't understand how bad I was hurt. They don't understand what's in my head. It's not fair for them to expect as much from me because I got a rotten start in life.

But drinking hurts me. And deep down I know that. I know drinking doesn't make me feel good like I want it to. It magnifies my problems and makes everything that much more painful. It's not that I deserve to drink. I deserve to live sober and live in a way that I'm not hurting myself. I didn't have control back then but I do have control now. I get to make the decisions and I can choose to be healthy and safe. And as I type this I feel like the dramatic movie music should be coming in behind me! lol This really is huge for me though. It probably sounds stupid to anyone reading, but the idea that my drinking (or not drinking) can be totally separate from the events of my life is huge for me, just like it was for the person telling the story.

As long as I've gone this far, here's the section from the story:

"When I had finished talking, he told me something simple: "you don't have to drink over it." What an idea! I had thought that situations made me drink. If I was angry, I drank. If I was happy, I drank. Bored or excited, elated or depressed, I drank. Here was a man telling me that, independent of my life situation, I did not have to drink. If I stuck with AA, I could stay sober under any and all conditions. He gave me hope, and in many ways, he symbolized the door through which I finally walked into Alcoholics Anonymous."


So yeah...that. My past still sucks. Flashbacks and all that still sucks. There will be times in my life with intense emotions of all sorts. There will be good times and bad. But no matter what is going on I still will always get my choice to drink or not. No situation, past, present or future, can make that decision for me. Very cool. And empowering.

In other news, it was a strange day at IOP today. Molly, who I have mentioned before as the person I have been closest to in the group and the first person I really connected with, graduated today. It's really tough to imagine IOP without her, and I hate to think about not getting to see her so much. She will still be coming to art group so she won't be gone entirely, I just won't get as much time with her. Iop group is going to be strange now too, because another guy just graduated and with the two of them gone the dynamic is going through a pretty intense shift. Aside from Becky and I, the others are all young "tough guy" type males. They're all very nice, and good people, but it just makes the conversation take on a different tone when they're the majority.

And on that note, I'm still grateful for Becky. She thanked me profusely today for last night. Near tears again she told me she believes I saved her life. I'm not sure how to respond to that, but it is meaningful to be me to be important to someone. I told her that after talking to her was the first time I was able to be near a liquor store and not feel that obsessive pull to go in. She was glad to hear that and it was nice to be able to "celebrate" together the successes we'd had and what we'd been able to overcome that night.