Dear world,

Dear world,

I’m struggling today. I just want you to know. I knew going in that it wouldn’t be happy days all the time, but it doesn’t make this any easier to deal with. I’m still climbing my way out of a very bad spot, and the hard days are really freaking hard. To put it mildly.

I had a nightmare last night. I knew it was coming because there were a lot of bad thoughts in my head at night. I tried to calm/distract myself, which worked somewhat, but the thoughts were still present. It’s an unfortunate thing, knowing that if I go to sleep I will most likely head to nightmare land. In the past I likely would’ve just stayed up, but I know I need sleep.

I don’t remember the nightmare exactly, which is nice, but I woke up feeling horrible. All the past voices were back in my head. I felt worthless, dirty, disgusting, and all that other stuff they called me. I literally could not look at myself in the mirror. I just couldn’t take it. As I became more awake it kept getting worse and worse. I tried to ground myself but to no avail. I felt gross and desperately wanted to get out of my own horrible skin.

The drink cravings came back with a vengeance in the midst of this. It wasn’t that I wanted a drink really, I just wanted to be numb. I wanted the horrible thoughts and pain to stop. Thankfully I had agreed to give another IOPer a ride to IOP this morning. Otherwise I’m not sure I would’ve gone. The battle was on in my head. Logically I knew I needed to get to somewhere safe ASAP, but of course there’s that other part of me that’s desperate for numbness. It’s a hard battle to fight.

My logic also tells me that what the voices say are lies, and that that was in the past and has nothing to do with now. Unfortunately the rest of my brain can’t seem to go with the logic. I’ve been hurt so bad so many times by those words, it’s nearly impossible not to believe them.

I’m angry. I’m tired of having to replay those scenes in my mind again and again. I’m tired of having this haunt me. I’m shaking like crazy as I write this. It makes me feel like the small child again because it’s just too much to handle. I feel like I’m under attack.

I did the right thing though. I made it to IOP. After IOP I had to talk with the doctor who pissed me off a while back because he’s now going to be in IOP on Friday’s and I don’t really feel comfortable with him. (He basically told me to “get over” thinking about my past trauma stuff because it was a long time ago). I mentioned this to Stupidface on Wednesday and he said I should pull this doctor aside and talk to him. It took and unbelievable amount of courage to do it, but I did. That was exhausting but I felt a little better. I think we came to some level of agreement, and he even gave me some advice to help me get through this current situation. Then I got to go to art, and paint it out, which again helped.

I’m holding on for dear life to this AA thing that it’s going to work. Everyone keeps telling me if I keep coming back and keep doing the next right thing I’ll get through. I want to believe that, but in times like this it’s so damn hard. But it’s been decided in my head that I will do whatever it takes to heal. I’m not going to drink because of this. I’m just not. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get through it, but I’m not going to drink. I’m going to have to figure out how to face this shit without being numb. Holy scariness!

So world, friends, I’m telling you this because I need you to know I hurt right now. I’m terrified; far more so than I’d like to admit. I’m going to fight, but I feel like a small child lost in a great big grown up world. I don’t feel ready for this on my own. I’m not ready without the “support” of alcohol or cutting or something. Please just be with me through this. I don’t need anything special, I just need to know you’re here.

Thank you for listening and thank you for caring.

River

PS A few minutes ago I was able to offer help to a man who clearly needed it. It was a very small thing for me to do, taking only a minute of my time, but it meant a lot to him. He called me an angel. That did wonders to lift my spirits. Again and again I’m seeing that being able to help someone else really is magical. It makes me important in that moment. It makes me not worthless. I’m grateful for every opportunity like this I get to be important and have worth.