Back to school...

Yep, it's that time again, and I've had the damn Billy Madison song in my head all day. Good old Billy Madison...

But back to me. It's weird being back in school again. It seems like break was a whole year all by itself because so much happened. After all, the last day of last semester was the start of all the chaos. (If you don't remember, read here: http://riverbirdsplace.blogspot.com/2011/12/what-day.html )

But it's also weird because it's reminding me of where I was at the start of last semester. I remember going to classes, getting the syllabus, but being barely able to comprehend what they were saying. It was taking all of my energy just to be physically present in the world. I was miserable. I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I wasn't sure why I was in school because I really didn't care. I was pretty sure that soon I would either be leaving the state to go live (hide out) with a friend, or dead. I didn't see any future for myself at all. As most everyone knows, within the first week of classes I was being taken out of the school's mental health center in handcuffs to go to the hospital. I spent the entire second week of school in the hospital. By the time I got out and started going to classes again I was already 2 weeks behind and in no place to do current work, much less start catching up. Again it was all I could do just to show up, and many days I didn't.

But here I am today, clear-headed. Sure there's still a lot going on in my life, but the difference is unbelievable. When I really think about it, it's almost impossible for me to believe that just a semester ago I was so, so miserable. I have a long ways to go, but I'm making real progress. Last night I was even looking forward to starting school.

I am excited about being in school again, but there's a lot of fear there too. While I was excited last night, I couldn't get myself to pack my backpack or anything like that. This morning, though I woke up in plenty of time, I just couldn't get myself out of bed. I felt totally stuck, and I think because a part of me is very nervous about starting classes again. Unfortunately between leaving late and then having traffic/parking issues and issues finding the building/classroom (it's on a part of campus that's generally only used by the other school that shares the campus area), I was almost 30 min. late. Yeah a little embarrassing. But at least I was present. Tuesdays are going to be weird for me because I have class from 9:30-11 and then from 5-8. That's a big chunk of time to fill there in the middle. Today I went to the bookstore, sent a couple of emails, and have now been just hanging out (and blogging! lol). I also did my AA "homework" for the week. Lucky for me I'm an excellent time waster, and it's actually going by pretty fast (its 3:30 now). I think as the semester gets going this will be a good time for doing homework since I'll be here anyway. I don't focus well at home but if I go to the library I can usually get quite a bit done. I'm also going to check out the school fitness center. Apparently they have a workout area and a pool that's free for students. If that's true that would be GREAT for me for midday! (Though might get complicated to bring all the right clothes...lol). Today I had planned on running errands but I got so frustrated with the parking situation that I don't feel like moving my car. I may still make some of my pain the butt phone calls (mainly trying AGAIN to get any help from the stupid apartment manager people).


On a COMPLETELY unrelated note I wanted to mention a revelation I had the other day. I've been working with my sponsor on the first step (We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.). Right now, we've mainly been looking at the second part, my life being unmanageable. She had me write out all the ways I feel my life is unmanageable (easy...it's hard to come up with anything that is manageable!). We also read some of the big book that talks about how desperate a situation alcoholism is and how little hope there is without major intervention. All in all it was pretty darn depressing when we met! (We're meeting every sunday now to work through this stuff). I said how depressing it was and she said that it's not meant to be depressing, but just to be a reality check of how serious this is and how important every bit and every step is. The idea is, if you don't fully accept that you are powerless and your life is unmanageable, you'll eventually come up with some kind of excuse of why "this time will be different."

Anyway, on my way home that evening I was thinking about the other day when I'd been really emotional after some bad nightmares, and having just a generally crappy day. I'd called my sponsor and left a message (she was still at work) saying that I really wasn't doing well and that it was this kind of stuff that would push me to drink because I just so badly wanted to be numb. In that message I remember telling her that I wasn't going to drink, and I knew that, but I felt that I was "holding on for dear life." I felt terrified of what was going to happen with all these emotions, so I was just holding on and doing what I'd been told to do (namely, not drink). What this last meeting with my sponsor made me realize is that, in the big picture, I'm holding on for dear life all the time! One of the things I wrote when writing about how my life is unmanageable is that when I really think about my life it still feels like suicide is the only way out of what i'm buried under, so I try not to think about my life. My life, as a whole, is chaotic and scary. As I said above i'm only 4 months out from nearly losing my life. All I know for sure is that right now doing what the folks at AA tell me to do makes me feel a whole lot better, and even happy. Not doing that stuff, and especially when I drank...leads down bad paths. So they seem to know what they're talking about. I remember telling someone from IOP that I don't really get it, but when I do what they say I feel good so I'm holdin on for the ride and doing what they say. What's really clicking for me now is the concept of willingness to go to any length to get through this. That's something that's talked about a lot, and people often say "oh yeah I'll do anything," but this is different. I'm not just saying it, but I'm feeling it in my heart and soul. I'm here and ready to be guided. I'm in a terrible place, but I've been thrown a lifeline. I have to keep climbing because as soon as I stop I'll be back in the pit. As soon as I stop climbing, I begin to slip. There isn't time nor space to rest and relax.

It's not all bad by any means. I get to feel good, better than I have in a long time, after putting work in, but I can't let myself get complacent. I don't want to go back to the darkness and the horribly crappy place I was in. Looks like i've learned what I was supposed to out of that first step after all! lol