Laughter

I've had a really good weekend. I never thought i'd hear myself say that, but it's true. Granted, while on break from school my weekends are the busy time and weekdays are the too much downtime days, but still...

Saturday I met my team of little skiers that I get to coach for the next 6 weeks. These lessons are way less stressful for me because I go in to the day knowing what to expect and I can make a plan in advance. Other days I have no idea what age, ability level, etc. i'll be teaching until it's time for the lesson to start. It also snowed all day saturday so I had some amazing snow for the runs I took after work.

Today I went to work but they had enough instructors that I wasn't needed. I probably could've worked if I wanted to, but I was tired and my calf cramp/injury thing seems to be acting up again. So instead of work I got to spend the morning out enjoying the new snow again. Then I got to do the drive back in the daylight (it was a little scary the previous day because the road was a sheet of ice and accidents had traffic backed up so far I did most of the drive in the dark by the time I got through). In the afternoon I met with my sponsor and went through some of the stuff I wrote with her. I did take out the foster care part and just left a very vague "moved out of my house" sentence, since the move part was important to the story. I think she knew there was more to the story there but didn't push me. It was scary as hell to read it to her (I had her read the first page and then I got brave and read the rest out loud to her) but in the end it felt good to get it out. She was impressed and said I'd done a good job taking the time to really think it through and get to the heart of it. In the end I think it felt good to get it out to her. She reassured me a lot that she's not there to judge and I'm slowly starting to believe that. We also read some of the big book, and then once the "work" was done we had some time to just hang out and watch football (yaaaaaaaaaay Broncos! :). And what a great game it was. Super fun to watch! I then came home to hang out, have dinner, and watch all my favorite cartoons. (Is it weird that the only tv shows I watch on a truly consistent basis are cartoons? lol) Now here it is bedtime and I'm feeling genuinely good. I've caught myself often tonight just sitting and smiling. That may sound simple, but it's something that was a very distant dream just a few months ago. I remember very clearly wondering if I would ever feel anything other than misery ever again. I didn't believe that I could smile "just because." But here I am feeling content inside. I think it's a combination of a fun couple of days combined with putting in some work towards a healthy future.

Something else I've noticed lately is that my laughter is returning. It's not that I didn't laugh before. I did. But before it was a quiet haha or a chuckle. Now I'm rediscovering a belly laugh. On Saturday something funny happened with my kids I was teaching and I actually laughed so hard I fell over. And it was genuine too! A little bit of that stress inside of me is starting to let go. I don't feel totally trapped under the misery, and I don't feel completely terrified all the time. I still have plenty of stress, but I feel the tightness and the gripping terror loosening ever so slightly. It feels so good to smile and laugh. I'm feeling a bit of warmth, light, and hope making it in to my cold dark world inside.

When I started this process 4 months ago in the hospital, I stated my goal as the ability to feel content (and to find peace, but that comes later). I'm seeing fleeting glimpses of contentedness and am really liking what I see. I'm not there yet, but it's enough to tell me I'm on the right path. And for that, I am grateful.