Full moon CRAZY!

It must have been the full moon. Today was just absolutely crazy and unexpected and here's why. It was the best day I've had in a very long time, and maybe ever! What happened, you ask? Very little, and that's just it. Today I felt content. That's something that's been a dream of mine for a long, long time. Long before I was even able to put a word to it or realize that was what I longed for.

When I was in the hospital back in August I remember thinking repeatedly that all I wanted was to be able to just be, without distraction, and feel content. Sure happiness and peace and everything else would be nice, but more than anything I just wanted a break from the constant pain, misery, and internal wars being waged inside. I couldn't picture that actually happening though. I didn't believe in it as a reality. But today, it happened.

I woke up this morning happy. I don't remember the last time I woke up happy. I smiled at the early morning sunlight peeking through my window. I'd woken up before my alarm after a very restful night and a happy dream. I smiled my way through the morning and just kept smiling. I didn't turn in to one of the chipper, bubbly, isn't the world wonderful happy types that drive me crazy, but instead just felt this subtle peace and happiness from within. The world looked different. It felt different. It was warmer, and cozier, if that makes any sense at all. The edges seemed a bit softer. While sitting in iop this morning I remember sitting there completely in aw of this comfort that surrounded me. Everything just felt ok. I felt that subtle smile again and it stuck with me all day. I was able to look at people differently, and more lovingly. I was able to appreciate the little things around me without a struggling effort. I probably sound like I'm on drugs or something trying to describe this but it was like nothing I have ever experienced. Most days I hear screams from the past in my head. I feel intense pain that hurts like nothing I can describe. I can barely complete a thought some days because of all the "noise" inside. It's a constant fight just to keep those thoughts that want to harm me from getting too close to the surface. Maybe that's what it was that made today seem so magical...there was silence. The crazy interstate full of angry honking motorists was closed off for the day so I could hear the birds chirp and the wind rustle through the leaves.

I made it until about sunset feeling this way. I noticed today that as the sun went down my mood began to as well. This is a good piece of insight because lately i've been having some pretty intense flashbacks and can't figure out the trigger. But as I think about it they've all been happening in the early evening. The good news is that even though my mood went down, it didn't get bleak. It just became a bit more of a fight again to keep myself in a good place. I wasn't wrapped up in the bliss anymore, but at least I knew it was there and if I really worked on focusing my mind I could stay in it or close to it.

I don't know what caused this incredible day (aside from the full moon! lol). My theory is that it comes from having started working the steps with my sponsor and making real progress towards doing something good for myself. I told her things that I've never really told anyone before (and especially not face to face) so I'm sure the release was good for me. (The things I told aren't that big in the big picture but they felt HUGE to me). I think the good also comes from putting in the work in iop and therapy, as well as really making a commitment to healthy living and sobriety after my relapse. I thought i'd done that before, but I realize now that there's so much more I could've been doing. I thought back then that I was really committed, but then I allowed my semi-rational, excuse-making brain to win out as soon as things got bad. I understand now that it's a much much bigger fight, and I much better understand the meaning of a 100%, whatever it takes, commitment.

What I do know about today is that it scares the hell out of me. Yes, I realize how strange that sounds after talking about how wonderful it was. But through work w/my therapist I've started to see that for many years now I've defined myself by taking a victim role. As much as I've thought I was independent (and in many ways I am), I've never known how to get attention, friendship, or to get people to care about me. The only way I know is to turn myself into a tragic case of some sort or another so someone will take pity on me. It goes back to when I was a little kid and would turn on the tears on the playground to get people to notice me or get what I wanted/needed from teachers. Now it's much bigger and more intense. I tend to sabotage things as soon as they start to make me better because I want/need to be the broken one sitting in the corner hoping that someone will come to my rescue. I think I even blogged about it a while back that I was scared about being successful in AA because i was afraid I wouldn't be able to get the support I need once I was no longer a newcomer. There's a lot more I could say about this but suffice it to say I just don't know how to deal with feeling good. As content as I felt today, there was a part of me that was absolutely frantic. That part was racing around grabbing at everything it could to find something solid (aka misery) to cling to. Happiness is unfamiliar territory, and that part of me is waiting in fear for the bottom to drop out. I'm looking forward to seeing my t on wednesday to see what he has to say about all this.

One last bit of humor, as I'm still entertained by myself as a happy person. Today during iop one of the questions was to say something we are grateful for. When it came to my turn I started talking about how I am so grateful for all the people in AA who have supported me while barely knowing me...the people who sat on the phone with me for so long to keep me from completely freaking out...and the people who loved me and hugged me and welcomed me even when I was terrified. And then I caught myself going in to a long-winded soapbox-esque speech about how amazing AA is, how great the program is and how important it is to have a sponsor and work the steps. Not long after I had to look at that and laugh at myself. For so so long I rallied against all things AA. I got so irritated with people telling me that AA is the answer or how great it is or what it can do for me. Basically, people saying exactly what I was saying would make me crazy. Then again, until just a couple of days ago anyone talking about any of this fuzzy, happy type stuff would've driven me crazy!

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Since it's pretty clear what I'm grateful for today, I'd like to end this post with a few very important prayer requests rather than a gratitude. If you're so inclined please send prayers, good thoughts, etc. to these people:

Frank: An older man I met at the first AA meeting where I felt comfortable enough to actually sit through the whole thing and not hide or leave early. He's had a reoccurrence of his cancer, which started as skin cancer but has now spread to multiple areas. He's starting chemo and radiation soon. It's not looking good for him.

John: A member of my IOP group who is really struggling right now. He's a heroin addict who recently relapsed and now just can't seem to string together more than a few clean days at a time. I worry about him because he says he really wants to get clean more than anything else, but won't seem to put in that last bit of fight to do it. He reminds me of me because though he insists he's not afraid of or uncomfortable in 12-step meetings he refuses to go. Stupidface has now required he attend at least one 12-step meeting per day in order to stay in IOP. He's who most of my "yay AA" rant/speech was directed towards (though I'm guessing looking back he was probably rolling his eyes on the inside just like I always was when ppl would give that speech to me).

Alexis: A girl about my age that I met at the meeting I went to tonight. This was a heavy meeting with lots of really tough stuff being shared (by far the most intense I've ever been to) but Alexis's story really got to me. She had been in a serious relationship with someone she met when they were both in recovery, but after a couple of years clean he went back to using heroin. He tried to drag her down by blaming her for his using, but she found the strength to leave him and keep her own sobriety intact. Then not long after the father of her children shows up again after having taken the kids and moved across the country years ago. He apparently has his own issues going on and drops the kids with her. While happy to have her kids, she's never really been a mom to them and is now suddenly having to be the full time single parent while the father acts controlling and offers next to no help. She's terrified at this new responsibility she's facing with 3 kids (8, 6, and 6) with no help, support system, or vehicle. She only spoke for a few minutes but I was absolutely wowed by her. Here is a woman in tears facing so much and being so open and honest about how much she is struggling. I kept thinking how scary it must be for her kids to be going through all this change, as well as for her. Just an impossible situation all around...and with so much riding on it! I felt so totally drawn to her that, in going with my recent "go with my gut" theory I've been working on (will have to blog about that later), I went to her afterwards and gave her my number and told her to call me if she needs a ride somewhere, an insanity-preventing break from her kids, etc. I think it was the first time I actually approached someone after a meeting and introduced myself. I hope she calls me...I'm really excited about doing stuff to help people after my night with Becky last week...and I really want to see her succeed.