Sleep is a weird thing for me. Nighttime in general is. I have streaks of great sleep. I get into a routine, I'm able to fall asleep without too much of a fight, there's no fear or panic, nightmares are minimal, etc. Then I have bad streaks. I get scared. Laying down in bed triggers old memories. My body fights sleep like crazy, no matter how much I logically know I'm safe. The sleep I get is restless, I spend most of the night trying to distract myself or calm down the yuckiness, and I get more and more exhausted.
I'm in the midst of a bad streak right now. Most nights I've had to walk outside at least once before I fall asleep to remind myself of where I am in the present. When I go outside I'm reminded that I'm in my apartment and it's safe and there's not scary people around. I've been watching tv until I fall asleep, because my body won't cross that bridge into sleep on it's own. No matter how tired I am, as soon as I lay down I feel the fight. Something deep down inside is refusing to let go of being awake. Again logically I know I'm safe, but it's that whole giving up control thing that still really freaks me out. I can handle the daytime pretty well these days. But as soon as I fall asleep I've given up control. I'm allowing myself to be completely unaware of the world around me...both the actual physical world and the dream world. I can't do anything to stop the nightmares if they come. And, I'm a deep sleeper, so I kinda feel like my building could burn down around me and I'd sleep right through it. I can't even tell you exactly what it is I'm afraid of, but I just don't like the idea that big things could be happening around me and I'd be entirely unaware....something that during the day I could handle without a problem.
But with all this crappy sleep stuff going on...the amazing thing is, I feel really good. The other day I was talking to this woman I know who takes pessimism to a whole new level. She's the ultimate victim in everything and I don't think I've ever heard her say anything positive. (Not exaggerating...the closest I can think to something positive is she once said "not so good" in answer to my how are you question...which is an improvement over some form of miserable or terrible that she usually uses. And once she told me she was "trying to be grateful" that she just got a new phone. I guess that's almost positive...but I'd be pretty damn excited if I got a brand new smart phone).
Anyway...I was talking to this woman and mentioned some stuff about my family. Keep in mind none of the people I describe as my family now are related to me, but I refer to them as though they are. I call my best friend my brother, a woman who has mentored me my aunt...I sometimes refer to my former foster parents as my parents, depending on who I'm talking to and what kind of mood I'm in... you get the idea. I was talking about these people and ms. eternal pessimist says in a very sad voice, "I wish I had your family." I had to laugh on the inside. NOBODY wants my family. Not the one that's related to me anyway. Not the ones I grew up with who beat the shit out of me on a regular basis, wouldn't let me eat, did horrible sick things to me, and allowed others to do the same. That's not the kind of family you get jealous of. I don't know much about this woman's family but I know that as an adult they still offer her a lot of support and help. I know they could still have lots of issues, but in general family is not a place to be jealous of me.
But then I got to thinking. I have an amazing family! No they're not related to me, but for the first time ever in my life I am surrounded by people who love me for me. They genuinely care about me...good days and bad days...happy or hurting...they're there for me and I get to be there for them. I've been around these people for long enough, and been a trustworthy person for long enough, that they're starting to really share themselves with me. (Some of the people I consider family I've known for years...but most of them are my AA family that of course I've only been getting to know for the last 2 years). I'm feeling that connection that I not only didn't have but it was so foreign to me I didn't even know I was missing it. I' usually avoid the word love because it brings up a lot of negative, confusing, complicated stuff for me, but I think what I'm experiencing is loving and being loved. And with these people it doesn't scare me. I actually like it and it makes me feel good inside.
I was thinking about all of that as I felt tonight start to go bad. I started to think of how I wish I could make this all go away...all my panic attacks and all my "crazy" fears that I know don't make sense in the present but I can't shake them...I was just wishing to be "normal"...without the PTSD, without the scary past, without the pain of losing my family as it was "supposed" to be. But I realized something. As soon as these thoughts started they went away, because I'm not sure I can wish it never happened anymore. Of course I wish that I didn't have the pain I do, but I love the person I'm becoming and I love the life I have. I love my family, and without all the pain of the past I doubt I would've ever found them. I don't think I'll ever be grateful for what I went through, but today I'm a strong person who can get through just about anything, and I'm surrounded by amazing people who actually care about me and want me around. I don't know what my life would've been like with a happy, nice family, but I don't know that I would risk changing the past if it meant losing what I have now.
-----------------------------
This whole post is pretty much gratitude, so I want to do a little something different down here. One of the AA promises, which they say come true as you do the work, is, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I always thought that whoever wrote that clearly had no idea of how bad the past can be. I've always wanted nothing more than to shut the door on it, even as I heal from it. But as I write this I realize that I can't regret the past because it got me to here. There's beauty in the worst of it (ok maybe not the very worst...I'm not THAT serene yet!), because I can see how each strand of it connects to something today to make me who I am and make my life what it is. It may all be different tomorrow, but today I don't regret the past, and I don't want to wish it all away. I just want to be here and be me. Though it would be nice if I could also be asleep.
(Disclaimer: I am in absolute exhaustion mode so my apologies if this makes no sense! It makes sense in my head though so it felt good to write. :)
Monday, June 2, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Me
I hadn't really planned on blogging about this but it's still on my mind so I might as well. I've been sick, so I haven't been able to do much and have had WAY too much time to think (It also means I have an only partially functioning brain so my apologies in advance if there's anything in here requiring apologies in advance! :-P )
A few days ago was a friend's birthday. Another friend of ours (R) planned a dinner out for all of us to celebrate. This particular friend (M) is like me and is not a big fan of celebrating her birthday (unless it involves getting too drunk to think). This year, at almost a year sober, she decided she was willing to do something to acknowledge it.
M and I spent most of the day together....not doing anything "birthday" specific, but mostly giving her a fun distraction so she wasn't thinking about the day. We saw a movie and then were headed to dinner but realized we needed to stop at her house first...which was going to make us a few minutes late. We had already texted the other friend that was planning to come (A) to let her know we were running late, and when we got to M's house she ran inside and I called R to tell her. To my total surprise, utter chaos ensued from there. R flipped out, asking why did no one let her know and how could we change the time when she organized it and yada yada. I was confused from the start, because the whole reason I was calling was to let her know, and it's not like we were trying to cancel it...just push it back 15 minutes. But I guess A had texted R to ask if she knew we were changing the time, and R was upset she hadn't been told first. The only reason we had texted A earlier is because A had texted M and M was replying to it.
Ok I know that probably sounds confusing when it's all just letters...and really the details aren't important anyway. Long story short, R decided she wasn't going. It basically turned into an adult woman throwing a fit like a 2 year old and saying well fine then I'm not going. I was totally blindsided by it. When at first she said she didn't want to go I figured she'd suck it up and go anyway. When she said she wasn't coming I just didn't even know what to think.
I get that it's hard for some people to understand why celebrating your birthday would be difficult and stressful (especially if you have a traumatic past)...and I get getting overly emotional about little things...especially if there are bigger things going on (and I do know she's been having a rough time lately)...but regardless of everything else going on, a friend's birthday is when you suck it up and go anyway and be there for your friend! The 3 of us had a good time anyway, but M was clearly hurt by R not showing. And the really crazy thing is....M and I are ALWAYS late going anywhere....we're both working on it but we're both horrible at time management. Between the two of us, something will happen to at least one of us to make us late. And really we weren't even all that late. So it's just such a crazy thing to pick to be mad at.
But even that is not the point. M called R the next day, and all R could say was that she was upset and that we weren't considering her feelings. She still doesn't get it that she's completely disregarding M's feelings and the dinner out was for M, not R! It's just insecurity and bitterness taken to an extreme.
I've noticed this happening with R for a long time now, and it's getting worse. Basically, she wants everyone to tell her that she's our best friend or else she feels excluded and jealous. A few weeks back at a meeting I was sitting with R and then invited another friend of ours to come sit on the other side of me and turned to say hi to her and see how she was. Well that night I got a series of angry text messages from R about ignoring her at the meeting. Well....at meetings...and especially this particular meeting...half the fun is getting to see a lot of good friends but there's very little time to actually hang out and chat before the meeting starts. It's not like we were having a long, in-depth heart to heart...and it would've been totally weird had I not greeted this other friend. (And the other friend was friends with R too...so yeah...).
It's really weird to me watching all this unfold with R. It's amazing to see someone so wrapped up in herself. I know that's how I used to be. I looked around constantly saying "but who will take care of me?" like a hurt child. The only way I knew to make friends was to sit in a corner somewhere looking sad until someone took pity on me and came to talk to me. I used to use that as "proof" that people didn't like me...I'd sit by myself and if no one came to talk to me than clearly no one liked me. That gave me an excuse not to try...and to go home and sit by myself and drink....continue to be miserable and take the easy way out. I still get that way sometimes...especially when I can sense I'm around caretaker or motherly types...I go into little kid mode. But it's something I'm really trying to change. When I start feeling that "But what about ME?" thing, I take a breath and try to turn it around. I try to look for what I can add to a situation, not what I can take. If I'm being ignored, is there someone else who is feeling ignored who could use my help/attention? A while back I went to this big AA convention thing. It was super overwhelming and it felt like everyone had a group of friends. I got overwhelmed and scared (still don't handle social stuff well), and ended up hiding in a corner crying. A month or so later I met a guy who had also been at that convention and had had the same response...except that he hadn't been sober nearly as long as me and had been so upset and so lonely that he went out and drank. He was just coming back into the rooms again when I met him. So I may not have met him while I was there...but I'm sure there were others like him that I walked right past. Maybe I could've offered something to someone... And even if there wasn't someone to help, there was nothing stopping me from saying hi, joining a group, meeting people, etc. If people aren't talking to me, it's probably because they haven't met me.
I have to remind myself on an almost daily basis that people aren't mind readers. If people aren't coming to talk to me I need to go to them. I need to put myself out there. And if they're not calling maybe they're busy. Maybe they have their own issues going on. (Or maybe they have something going on but I'm supposed to be supporting them and have totally forgotten because I'm thinking about me. Yep has happened more than once...lol). It's a weird balance, this recovery thing...I'm learning to take care of myself while also learning to stop thinking about myself all the time. It's strange, but both of those things actually fit together really well. I used to let my health go entirely. Now I'm taking care of it but and recognizing my own needs, but part of that is also recognizing that I'm not the center of everyone's universe. For example, with this R situation...she and I used to be a lot closer, but now I've made a point of distancing myself from her. She's on a serious negative spiral right now, and I am learning to value the positive in my life. I try to help others where I can, but I recognize when I need to be around people that build up the positive in me because it can be shaky sometimes. R is a bit of a vampire...she takes a lot and gives very little back right now. That said, many people have said I should stop being friends with her all together, but that's not something I'm going to do. Like I said I used to be where she is and I feel for her. Her birthday is coming up soon and I'll still give her a card. I'll go to her celebration if I'm asked (though I'm getting the feeling now that I won't be! lol). I'll be there for her if she wants the support. But I'll be honest with her and let her know she's pushing people away. I'm not going to cater to her why me, what about me, notice me, etc. I'm not going to go begging for her friendship, trying to convince her she's important, because that just plays into her manipulation and doesn't help in the long run. The next time I get a chance to talk to her, I'll let her know (in a loving way) that I think she's being selfish and I think she needs to change her thinking. That might sound mean, but I believe it's the best thing I can do for her as her friend.
I finally understand what people have told me for so long about choosing to be miserable. It doesn't mean that you can snap your fingers and suddenly be happy, but R is showing me that if you're not willing to look outside yourself and make some changes you're going to keep being miserable. It's hard to watch but she's isolating herself and then blaming us for her loneliness. She could've chosen to be a part of the fun the other night, but instead she chose to stay home, likely dwelling on how people supposedly didn't like her. It wasn't our job to chase her down and convince her to come. It was her job to make the decision to be there. Every day it's my job to make the decision to be present for my own life. If I'm isolated, alone, and miserable it's likely because of a decision I made.
And here I thought I was too sick to have much of anything to say! lol
--------------------
I'm grateful for honest friends who will let me know if I'm making bad decisions. These friends show me they believe in my ability to do better and they want better for me. If they see me going down a bad path they not only show me but they support me all the way back to where I want to be. I'm very lucky to have them!
A few days ago was a friend's birthday. Another friend of ours (R) planned a dinner out for all of us to celebrate. This particular friend (M) is like me and is not a big fan of celebrating her birthday (unless it involves getting too drunk to think). This year, at almost a year sober, she decided she was willing to do something to acknowledge it.
M and I spent most of the day together....not doing anything "birthday" specific, but mostly giving her a fun distraction so she wasn't thinking about the day. We saw a movie and then were headed to dinner but realized we needed to stop at her house first...which was going to make us a few minutes late. We had already texted the other friend that was planning to come (A) to let her know we were running late, and when we got to M's house she ran inside and I called R to tell her. To my total surprise, utter chaos ensued from there. R flipped out, asking why did no one let her know and how could we change the time when she organized it and yada yada. I was confused from the start, because the whole reason I was calling was to let her know, and it's not like we were trying to cancel it...just push it back 15 minutes. But I guess A had texted R to ask if she knew we were changing the time, and R was upset she hadn't been told first. The only reason we had texted A earlier is because A had texted M and M was replying to it.
Ok I know that probably sounds confusing when it's all just letters...and really the details aren't important anyway. Long story short, R decided she wasn't going. It basically turned into an adult woman throwing a fit like a 2 year old and saying well fine then I'm not going. I was totally blindsided by it. When at first she said she didn't want to go I figured she'd suck it up and go anyway. When she said she wasn't coming I just didn't even know what to think.
I get that it's hard for some people to understand why celebrating your birthday would be difficult and stressful (especially if you have a traumatic past)...and I get getting overly emotional about little things...especially if there are bigger things going on (and I do know she's been having a rough time lately)...but regardless of everything else going on, a friend's birthday is when you suck it up and go anyway and be there for your friend! The 3 of us had a good time anyway, but M was clearly hurt by R not showing. And the really crazy thing is....M and I are ALWAYS late going anywhere....we're both working on it but we're both horrible at time management. Between the two of us, something will happen to at least one of us to make us late. And really we weren't even all that late. So it's just such a crazy thing to pick to be mad at.
But even that is not the point. M called R the next day, and all R could say was that she was upset and that we weren't considering her feelings. She still doesn't get it that she's completely disregarding M's feelings and the dinner out was for M, not R! It's just insecurity and bitterness taken to an extreme.
I've noticed this happening with R for a long time now, and it's getting worse. Basically, she wants everyone to tell her that she's our best friend or else she feels excluded and jealous. A few weeks back at a meeting I was sitting with R and then invited another friend of ours to come sit on the other side of me and turned to say hi to her and see how she was. Well that night I got a series of angry text messages from R about ignoring her at the meeting. Well....at meetings...and especially this particular meeting...half the fun is getting to see a lot of good friends but there's very little time to actually hang out and chat before the meeting starts. It's not like we were having a long, in-depth heart to heart...and it would've been totally weird had I not greeted this other friend. (And the other friend was friends with R too...so yeah...).
It's really weird to me watching all this unfold with R. It's amazing to see someone so wrapped up in herself. I know that's how I used to be. I looked around constantly saying "but who will take care of me?" like a hurt child. The only way I knew to make friends was to sit in a corner somewhere looking sad until someone took pity on me and came to talk to me. I used to use that as "proof" that people didn't like me...I'd sit by myself and if no one came to talk to me than clearly no one liked me. That gave me an excuse not to try...and to go home and sit by myself and drink....continue to be miserable and take the easy way out. I still get that way sometimes...especially when I can sense I'm around caretaker or motherly types...I go into little kid mode. But it's something I'm really trying to change. When I start feeling that "But what about ME?" thing, I take a breath and try to turn it around. I try to look for what I can add to a situation, not what I can take. If I'm being ignored, is there someone else who is feeling ignored who could use my help/attention? A while back I went to this big AA convention thing. It was super overwhelming and it felt like everyone had a group of friends. I got overwhelmed and scared (still don't handle social stuff well), and ended up hiding in a corner crying. A month or so later I met a guy who had also been at that convention and had had the same response...except that he hadn't been sober nearly as long as me and had been so upset and so lonely that he went out and drank. He was just coming back into the rooms again when I met him. So I may not have met him while I was there...but I'm sure there were others like him that I walked right past. Maybe I could've offered something to someone... And even if there wasn't someone to help, there was nothing stopping me from saying hi, joining a group, meeting people, etc. If people aren't talking to me, it's probably because they haven't met me.
I have to remind myself on an almost daily basis that people aren't mind readers. If people aren't coming to talk to me I need to go to them. I need to put myself out there. And if they're not calling maybe they're busy. Maybe they have their own issues going on. (Or maybe they have something going on but I'm supposed to be supporting them and have totally forgotten because I'm thinking about me. Yep has happened more than once...lol). It's a weird balance, this recovery thing...I'm learning to take care of myself while also learning to stop thinking about myself all the time. It's strange, but both of those things actually fit together really well. I used to let my health go entirely. Now I'm taking care of it but and recognizing my own needs, but part of that is also recognizing that I'm not the center of everyone's universe. For example, with this R situation...she and I used to be a lot closer, but now I've made a point of distancing myself from her. She's on a serious negative spiral right now, and I am learning to value the positive in my life. I try to help others where I can, but I recognize when I need to be around people that build up the positive in me because it can be shaky sometimes. R is a bit of a vampire...she takes a lot and gives very little back right now. That said, many people have said I should stop being friends with her all together, but that's not something I'm going to do. Like I said I used to be where she is and I feel for her. Her birthday is coming up soon and I'll still give her a card. I'll go to her celebration if I'm asked (though I'm getting the feeling now that I won't be! lol). I'll be there for her if she wants the support. But I'll be honest with her and let her know she's pushing people away. I'm not going to cater to her why me, what about me, notice me, etc. I'm not going to go begging for her friendship, trying to convince her she's important, because that just plays into her manipulation and doesn't help in the long run. The next time I get a chance to talk to her, I'll let her know (in a loving way) that I think she's being selfish and I think she needs to change her thinking. That might sound mean, but I believe it's the best thing I can do for her as her friend.
I finally understand what people have told me for so long about choosing to be miserable. It doesn't mean that you can snap your fingers and suddenly be happy, but R is showing me that if you're not willing to look outside yourself and make some changes you're going to keep being miserable. It's hard to watch but she's isolating herself and then blaming us for her loneliness. She could've chosen to be a part of the fun the other night, but instead she chose to stay home, likely dwelling on how people supposedly didn't like her. It wasn't our job to chase her down and convince her to come. It was her job to make the decision to be there. Every day it's my job to make the decision to be present for my own life. If I'm isolated, alone, and miserable it's likely because of a decision I made.
And here I thought I was too sick to have much of anything to say! lol
--------------------
I'm grateful for honest friends who will let me know if I'm making bad decisions. These friends show me they believe in my ability to do better and they want better for me. If they see me going down a bad path they not only show me but they support me all the way back to where I want to be. I'm very lucky to have them!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Staying positive in a negative world
We live in a negative world.
Has anyone else noticed that? And
I don’t mean just because bad shit happens.
Yes, of course, bad shit happens.
But I’m talking about the competition that seems to be going on out
there to be the most miserable.
Somewhere along the line it became “cool” to have it the hardest, and
less than cool to be joyful. Isn’t
happiness something we aspire towards?
In theory, yes, but we look down on happy people like there’s something
wrong with them. It’s like we’d rather
try to be the biggest martyr about how unhappy we are than actually work to be
happy. (And yes, being happy does take
work).
We all have our shit that we go through. It’s useless to try to compare and see who
has it worst, because what we deal with is unique to us. Whatever is the worst thing we’ve dealt with
is the worst thing we’ve dealt with…so to us that’s what “almost unbearable”
looks like. Also, what we know in our
life is what we learn how to handle. I
have traumatic nightmares and flashbacks from the past. They suck, and at times have been almost too
much to manage, but I’ve learned to cope with them. Others have said that they can’t imagine
having to live through what I did back then and what I deal with now. Thing is, I don’t know a life without
PTSD. I don’t remember a life before
trauma. But I look at what other people
go through, and feel the same way others do towards me. I absolutely can’t imagine being thrust into
a world where everyone else is speaking a language that I don’t
understand. I can’t imagine having to
get by 100% in a second language. That
sounds terrifying to me. But that’s what
many of the kids I work with deal with every day. I can’t imagine living in a war-torn country,
or in a place where life is otherwise so bad that you’ll pack up your family
and go to a new country where you don’t speak the language, aren’t treated all
that well, and have to move into a tiny house with 8 other family members just
to be able to afford to live. But that’s
what many of my kids, and families all over the country have to go
through. There’s so many challenges I
can’t imagine…that I don’t know if I’d be able to deal with…if I were sick or
if I were blind or if I were whatever.
Point is, we all have stuff in life that makes life hard.
But why do we seek it out and dig it up? I spent YEARS of my life dwelling on the fact
that my trauma made my life unmanageable and essentially unlivable. I was miserable. Until my first sponsor told me to let it go and
stop being miserable about it. At first
I was pissed. Of course I’d let go of it
if I could! But over time I’ve realized
that that wasn’t the case. I was
actively holding on to it and not allowing myself to be happy.
That said, I hate the phrase, “Just choose to be happy” or
anything related to that. That doesn’t
really describe it either. What I
believe we have the choice in is deciding whether we’re going to find the good
in each moment or the bad. Because
whatever we’re looking for, we’ll find.
That doesn’t mean that we’ll never be angry or upset. That’s a part of life, and in my opinion if
you’re not angry sometimes you’re not really living. And there’s nothing wrong with experiencing
and processing anger. In fact I think
it’s healthy and necessary. In the past
when I thought I didn’t need to do that….when I thought I was just so
peaceful…really I was stuffing everything deep down inside and becoming more
and more angry subconsciously.
I know I’ve said a lot of this stuff on here at various
times already, so sorry if this is repetitive.
What brought it to mind recently is that I was reading through some
different things online and I was struck by how sad everything seemed to be. We live in a beautiful world and we only get
one chance to exist within it! Why are
we spending it all being upset, angry, and stressing about what might go
wrong? Without a doubt I still have bad
days, but even on my bad days I’m generally laughing and having a good
time. That’s because I no longer let bad
days take over my good life.
I guess that’s what I’m getting at through all this. There’s a difference between being
happy/positive or upset/negative about something that’s happened, and BEING
happy/positive or upset/negative. The
first is a reaction to an event, the second is a worldview. I found the ability to be truly happy when I
let go of my happiness needing to depend on the world around me. I used to be on a perpetual roller coaster…if
something good happened in my life I felt good.
If something bad happened I was miserable. All day every day it was back and forth, up
and down. It was exhausting, and I never
felt ok or peaceful. If I was in a down
spot I was either feeling stuck or looking for what good event was going to
pull me back up…wondering if I’d ever find something big enough/good
enough/whatever. If I was up, it was
like being at the top of the hill after the roller coaster has done its
climb. I knew things were going to drop
into a wild and rapid descent at any moment.
I couldn’t get the full enjoyment of the up times because I was bracing
for impact for the next bad thing. So I
wasn’t fully living. I wasn’t fully
experiencing my life because I was always trying to look ahead for what might
come next to change wherever I was.
Today I don’t see my life as a roller coaster. I see my life as a river. It is a large and majestic river. Everything that happens to me is a droplet, a
ripple, a wave, etc. that all helps to make up the river. But no one thing can change the course of the
river itself, or stop it from flowing.
Good events and bad add themselves in and eventually dissolve
together…no longer visible as separate entities but still a part of the
collective. The river itself flows
towards happiness and contentment.
That’s because I choose to hold on to the beauty I see in life…in my
environment, in the people around me, in my faith, and in my experiences. And there is always beauty. On bad days there is the beauty of my friends
supporting me or a chance to visit my “god spot” and find peace that way. There’s the beauty of healing itself. I’ve been so blessed with an amazing recovery
community, with people who have shown me the way and people who I am able to
help. Today I’m able to be a positive
example of hope. I NEVER thought that
would be something I could be, but what a beautiful thing to be! If nothing else, there’s beauty in the fact
that I get to be a daily f-u to the people that hurt me…just by living each
day, being successful, and not letting them control me. (Ok maybe f-u isn’t the most beautiful thing I
could go with but it works for me J
).
I know I can’t make people change their thinking, no matter
how much I want to grab them and shake them sometimes! I don’t say that to judge, it just makes me
sad to see people missing so much of life by spending it stressing and in
pain. It’s up to every individual to
change his/her own thinking, and it’s not easy.
It’s not something that happens overnight. It takes work to seek the beauty rather than
the stress, the fear, and the what if’s.
It takes a lot of faith to enjoy the moment rather than stress about
bracing for every scary possibility. But
the effort is so so incredibly worthwhile.
My life today is beyond anything I could’ve imagined back when I was in
roller coaster mode. The funny thing is,
my circumstances have changed very little.
I didn’t win the lottery and my life didn’t suddenly become amazing by
some other means. The life I have today
is beyond anything I could’ve wished for during my depressed “yuck” times, but
outwardly very little has changed since back then. What has changed is my perspective and what I
put my effort and energy towards.
(Disclaimer: Because I know there are a couple of people
reading this who are probably wondering….this is in no way directed towards any
one particular person. A particular
online discussion I read made me think of it, but it’s been on my mind to write
for a long time now).
------------------------
I’m grateful to have the chance to be positive, peaceful and
content.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Ask River question #1
"When you were old enough to realize that what was happening to you wasn't normal, that most kids didn't go home and have the shit beat out of them, how did your abusers keep you silent about it for so long? I know when you are a kid and especially when it's your parents who are hurting you, the world really doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But you were being tortured! Did you contemplate telling all the time or was that just too scary to even imagine? As someone who has not been there or done that, I would think that nothing could be as terrifying as what you were already experiencing."
So I'm finally getting around to answering this question I was asked in the comments. This is a tough one, and I'm struggling to come up with one coherent answer. This could get long!
First off, as you said, for a long time I didn't really grasp that what happened to me didn't happen to everyone. Even when I was older, it was just the way things were. My parents and my other abusers had the mind control stuff down to a science. It's really scary looking back just how much they had an answer for everything. I remember so clearly my dad explaining to me what love is and how to be a good daughter. He told me that the things that he was doing to me...our "special time"....were because he loved me so much. He said I couldn't talk about it at all to anyone because it would make others jealous that they didn't have the kind of relationship we had. When you've grown up with that kind of "love", it's hard to question it. Also, the alternative to that was pain, so I craved that love. I wanted to be a good daughter more than anything else in the world. I couldn't see that my parents were doing bad things to me. When they hurt me I instead saw that I had done something bad to them and I needed to do better. It was explained to me that young children are egocentric...they see the world as revolving around them. They also rely on their parents for everything. So, when their parents do something bad to them, it is easier to understand it as they did something bad than that there is something wrong with their parents. Because when you're a child if there's something wrong with your parents and you can't count on them, that's way scarier than just thinking you're really bad and constantly causing trouble. So when I was beaten, I rationalized that I'd messed up again. When the other stuff happened...the more torture like stuff, I was enduring it to make my daddy proud of me and happy with me, because that's what a good daughter does. I guess he knew just the right amount of love to give and take away to make me comply.
On top of that, during the really bad stuff it always came with a threat that if I ever told anyone they'd kill me. I can still see my dad's face (and others) when he spoke those words. He'd get right in my face, hovering over me, his eyes lit up with....evil (for lack of a better word). I believed him. I believed him so much that even in adulthood if I tried to tell anyone anything I would hallucinate figures coming out of walls, dark corners, etc., all coming to kill me. I didn't trust that anyone could keep me safe from that.
I did accidentally tell once. I was in elementary school....2nd grade I think. I hadn't really gotten good at the acting ok thing, and my teacher caught on that something was wrong. It got reported and this woman came to our house to talk to me. I knew why she was there, and I knew I'd messed up bad. One look at my dad confirmed that. He had a "you're dead" glare shooting at me in a way that I can only describe as absolutely terrifying. I knew it was time for my emmy-winning performance because I had to get that lady out of there. I turned on the charm and talked about how wonderful my parents were and how happy I was until she left. As soon as she walked out the door, everything changed. It was like the air in the house changed as the door shut and my layer of safety was gone. I got it bad that night. I remember him coming towards me with a type of anger I hadn't seen from him before. I don't remember much of what happened next but then I remember being on the floor in too much pain to move. That day reaffirmed for me that telling wasn't an option. I couldn't let anyone get even the slightest hint that something might be wrong, so I went out of my way to appear like a happy, healthy kid. It was safer that way.
In all my years of living with my parents, I don't remember ever having the thought that nothing could be as bad as what I was experiencing....mainly because I had no basis for that. For all I knew if it was that bad at home it could be twice as bad elsewhere. My parents had told me that no one else would ever love me, and I was lucky they still did even with how bad I was. They told me horror stories about kids who were taken away from their parents and what happens to them. I didn't grasp that it wasn't any worse than what was already happening to me because I didn't view what was happening to me as abuse. It was just life. So when they said, "Those people get money for kids and treat them horribly," I listened and checked that off as not an option.
When I finally reached the point that I'd had enough and had to get out of there, I still didn't trust anyone, and especially not anyone with any sort of authority. So even though I liked my teachers and they'd been helpful to me, there's no way I would tell them because I didn't believe they could stop it. I thought if anything they'd side with my parents and make it worse. I definitely didn't trust cops or anyone like that. Because my parents were involved with drugs (and obviously other illegal stuff with me), I'd been taught from a very early age that cops are the enemy, that they try to break up families and they're out to hurt people. There was no one that I saw as trustworthy enough and also powerful enough to tell. I believed that if I told I risked death, even if I knew they couldn't hear me say it a part of me believed that somehow they could. So I had to be able to believe 100% that the person I told could stop it and keep me safe before they killed me. But there was no one like that, especially because I thought all adults worked together. (When you've been hurt by many different adults it becomes harder and harder to believe there's good ones out there. It starts to feel like even the ones who seem good probably also secretly hurt kids. It didn't help that my parents and the others were more or less respected members of society, so there wasn't a "type" to look out for). Anyway, when I wanted/needed to get away, I believed that the only one I could rely on was myself. So I ran away and hid my situation from everyone. Eventually I let a select few in because I knew they were the type that wouldn't tell (homeless, on drugs, abusers themselves, etc.).
It took until well into adulthood before I was able to tell. My official reason for entering foster care was abandonment. I got arrested while living on the streets...semi purposefully, as I was just exhausted and couldn't keep going like that. I told them who I really was and they tried to return me to my parents who refused to take me. They said that I was a troublemaker who had caused too many issues for them and they just couldn't deal with me anymore. They had a whole big sob story that made them the innocent ones. I was ok with that. I was just grateful to be released from them. But I still believed they could see and hear everything, so I kept their secret.
I realized something else as I write this. Denial was a big part of it all. As I mentioned earlier I wanted that love from my parents more than anything in the world. I wanted us to be a loving family. I wanted to have the life and family that I read about in stories. So I couldn't really acknowledge what was happening. Saying it out loud meant that it was true...that there was something very, very wrong with my family and that I didn't have that. It also felt like acknowledging there was something deeply wrong with me. If not even my mom could love me, how bad must I be. When you're young you hear all about how your mom loves you no matter what. Or at least she's supposed to. I wanted to be good enough to get that love. Saying anything was different meant that it...well...was different. Also, for some reason I had a very very very strong sense of family loyalty. I'm not really sure where that came from, but I took pride in the fact that I protected my parents. I took the whole "honor they father and mother" or whatever it is to extremes. I thought it was a badge of honor that I took pain in their honor and didn't let our secret out. I don't know it's hard to put into words.
Anyway I think I gotta stop there...this has been really emotional to write out and I gotta get away from the computer for a bit. I don't know if what I've written makes sense but it's too painful to go back and edit. (For some reason writing it isn't so bad, but re-reading my own writing is really really hard for me with stuff like this). Also you probably noticed I still can't say most of the words for the stuff that happened to me, so I still really haven't learned how to "tell". I'm much more open than I used to be, especially on here where it's more or less anonymous, but I still can't say the words. I tried once to make myself say it out loud to someone and I did, but then I proceeded to throw up and be sick for hours. Ok probably too much information there! lol
-------------------------
Still gotta end with gratitude. I'm grateful that that part of my life is done and that I'm safe now. I'm also grateful that I'm able to use my story now to benefit others and be something positive.
So I'm finally getting around to answering this question I was asked in the comments. This is a tough one, and I'm struggling to come up with one coherent answer. This could get long!
First off, as you said, for a long time I didn't really grasp that what happened to me didn't happen to everyone. Even when I was older, it was just the way things were. My parents and my other abusers had the mind control stuff down to a science. It's really scary looking back just how much they had an answer for everything. I remember so clearly my dad explaining to me what love is and how to be a good daughter. He told me that the things that he was doing to me...our "special time"....were because he loved me so much. He said I couldn't talk about it at all to anyone because it would make others jealous that they didn't have the kind of relationship we had. When you've grown up with that kind of "love", it's hard to question it. Also, the alternative to that was pain, so I craved that love. I wanted to be a good daughter more than anything else in the world. I couldn't see that my parents were doing bad things to me. When they hurt me I instead saw that I had done something bad to them and I needed to do better. It was explained to me that young children are egocentric...they see the world as revolving around them. They also rely on their parents for everything. So, when their parents do something bad to them, it is easier to understand it as they did something bad than that there is something wrong with their parents. Because when you're a child if there's something wrong with your parents and you can't count on them, that's way scarier than just thinking you're really bad and constantly causing trouble. So when I was beaten, I rationalized that I'd messed up again. When the other stuff happened...the more torture like stuff, I was enduring it to make my daddy proud of me and happy with me, because that's what a good daughter does. I guess he knew just the right amount of love to give and take away to make me comply.
On top of that, during the really bad stuff it always came with a threat that if I ever told anyone they'd kill me. I can still see my dad's face (and others) when he spoke those words. He'd get right in my face, hovering over me, his eyes lit up with....evil (for lack of a better word). I believed him. I believed him so much that even in adulthood if I tried to tell anyone anything I would hallucinate figures coming out of walls, dark corners, etc., all coming to kill me. I didn't trust that anyone could keep me safe from that.
I did accidentally tell once. I was in elementary school....2nd grade I think. I hadn't really gotten good at the acting ok thing, and my teacher caught on that something was wrong. It got reported and this woman came to our house to talk to me. I knew why she was there, and I knew I'd messed up bad. One look at my dad confirmed that. He had a "you're dead" glare shooting at me in a way that I can only describe as absolutely terrifying. I knew it was time for my emmy-winning performance because I had to get that lady out of there. I turned on the charm and talked about how wonderful my parents were and how happy I was until she left. As soon as she walked out the door, everything changed. It was like the air in the house changed as the door shut and my layer of safety was gone. I got it bad that night. I remember him coming towards me with a type of anger I hadn't seen from him before. I don't remember much of what happened next but then I remember being on the floor in too much pain to move. That day reaffirmed for me that telling wasn't an option. I couldn't let anyone get even the slightest hint that something might be wrong, so I went out of my way to appear like a happy, healthy kid. It was safer that way.
In all my years of living with my parents, I don't remember ever having the thought that nothing could be as bad as what I was experiencing....mainly because I had no basis for that. For all I knew if it was that bad at home it could be twice as bad elsewhere. My parents had told me that no one else would ever love me, and I was lucky they still did even with how bad I was. They told me horror stories about kids who were taken away from their parents and what happens to them. I didn't grasp that it wasn't any worse than what was already happening to me because I didn't view what was happening to me as abuse. It was just life. So when they said, "Those people get money for kids and treat them horribly," I listened and checked that off as not an option.
When I finally reached the point that I'd had enough and had to get out of there, I still didn't trust anyone, and especially not anyone with any sort of authority. So even though I liked my teachers and they'd been helpful to me, there's no way I would tell them because I didn't believe they could stop it. I thought if anything they'd side with my parents and make it worse. I definitely didn't trust cops or anyone like that. Because my parents were involved with drugs (and obviously other illegal stuff with me), I'd been taught from a very early age that cops are the enemy, that they try to break up families and they're out to hurt people. There was no one that I saw as trustworthy enough and also powerful enough to tell. I believed that if I told I risked death, even if I knew they couldn't hear me say it a part of me believed that somehow they could. So I had to be able to believe 100% that the person I told could stop it and keep me safe before they killed me. But there was no one like that, especially because I thought all adults worked together. (When you've been hurt by many different adults it becomes harder and harder to believe there's good ones out there. It starts to feel like even the ones who seem good probably also secretly hurt kids. It didn't help that my parents and the others were more or less respected members of society, so there wasn't a "type" to look out for). Anyway, when I wanted/needed to get away, I believed that the only one I could rely on was myself. So I ran away and hid my situation from everyone. Eventually I let a select few in because I knew they were the type that wouldn't tell (homeless, on drugs, abusers themselves, etc.).
It took until well into adulthood before I was able to tell. My official reason for entering foster care was abandonment. I got arrested while living on the streets...semi purposefully, as I was just exhausted and couldn't keep going like that. I told them who I really was and they tried to return me to my parents who refused to take me. They said that I was a troublemaker who had caused too many issues for them and they just couldn't deal with me anymore. They had a whole big sob story that made them the innocent ones. I was ok with that. I was just grateful to be released from them. But I still believed they could see and hear everything, so I kept their secret.
I realized something else as I write this. Denial was a big part of it all. As I mentioned earlier I wanted that love from my parents more than anything in the world. I wanted us to be a loving family. I wanted to have the life and family that I read about in stories. So I couldn't really acknowledge what was happening. Saying it out loud meant that it was true...that there was something very, very wrong with my family and that I didn't have that. It also felt like acknowledging there was something deeply wrong with me. If not even my mom could love me, how bad must I be. When you're young you hear all about how your mom loves you no matter what. Or at least she's supposed to. I wanted to be good enough to get that love. Saying anything was different meant that it...well...was different. Also, for some reason I had a very very very strong sense of family loyalty. I'm not really sure where that came from, but I took pride in the fact that I protected my parents. I took the whole "honor they father and mother" or whatever it is to extremes. I thought it was a badge of honor that I took pain in their honor and didn't let our secret out. I don't know it's hard to put into words.
Anyway I think I gotta stop there...this has been really emotional to write out and I gotta get away from the computer for a bit. I don't know if what I've written makes sense but it's too painful to go back and edit. (For some reason writing it isn't so bad, but re-reading my own writing is really really hard for me with stuff like this). Also you probably noticed I still can't say most of the words for the stuff that happened to me, so I still really haven't learned how to "tell". I'm much more open than I used to be, especially on here where it's more or less anonymous, but I still can't say the words. I tried once to make myself say it out loud to someone and I did, but then I proceeded to throw up and be sick for hours. Ok probably too much information there! lol
-------------------------
Still gotta end with gratitude. I'm grateful that that part of my life is done and that I'm safe now. I'm also grateful that I'm able to use my story now to benefit others and be something positive.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Thank god for the here and now
I was driving home tonight and a song came on the radio that caught my attention. One of the main lines of it was "Thank god for the here and now". I have no idea who it is by or if it's new or old or what, but it caught me in the midst of being grumpy about how everyone (school, work, friends, etc.) is just asking way too much of me right now. It brought me back to the fact that in that moment there was nothing I could do for any of those people, but how nice was it to be relaxing in my air conditioned car, by myself where no one could ask anything of me, and just enjoying the music. That moment was a gift...a reprieve from the stress of the day...and I'd almost missed it entirely. The one time I got to spend without having to stress and I nearly spent it all stressing!
So I have a challenge to put out there for anyone who happens to be reading this. When you find yourself getting stressed (or even when you're not stressed), take a deep breath and see if you can find something to be grateful for in the here and now. I'm not a religious person...I don't call my higher power god, so I don't think the "thank god" part is important. The focus is just being thankful. If you've read this blog for any length of time you know that my life hasn't always been sunshine and roses. But I struggle to think of a situation so bad I wouldn't be able to find a little piece of gratitude in it. (I'm sure such situations exist but I'm choosing not to try too terribly hard to find them because it would just make me depressed). Really though, with so many of our day to day stresses, there's so much to be thankful for within them. School is putting so much pressure on me because I nearly have a degree. Friends are asking for my attention because I've become a person that people want to be around, rely on, and get advice from. That's definitely not somewhere I ever thought I'd be. I never even thought I'd have friends! It doesn't mean I can't also be frustrated/stressed/upset/whatever else, but acknowledging the good parts in there helps sooooo much. It's amazing how much just taking the moment to appreciate being in the car rather than griping to myself about the price of gas and everything else just calmed my heart and made me feel ok again. We're just so lucky to have the opportunity to be here and get to live....to experience the world... I usually hate saying this, but I bet if I can find gratitude in my world that you can too.
In semi-related news, I've had a lot of very hectic here and nows. As you may have gathered, there is a lot going on in my life. I'd hoped to get to the "Ask River" question a lot sooner but life has been in the way. I hope that the person who wrote it sees this and can understand. :) I am still taking questions too and I promise I will get to them. (And it hasn't all been bad either...I've had a friend visiting, which was great, and even the things that have really been stressing me out have had good experiences attached too).
---------------
Need I add more gratitude? I'm grateful for the here and now! That I have a computer and a blog and a moment to write in it, though I really should be getting ready for bed!
Friday, April 11, 2014
Ask River, Part 2
So I just noticed I have A LOT of partially finished posts that I never actually published. I really do need to work at this blogging thing! Most of it's just rambling about things though...spending the Thanksgiving holiday with family and having it be intimidating (since I tend to hate holidays) but it going well...how I managed to go from miserable to happy/content (that one's a LONG one cus it's one of my favorite topics. Fitting with my last post too!....there's one about going to a conference for young people in AA and realizing how horribly intimidated I still am by people my own age because I was so badly bullied as a kid (at least that's my theory for why). I'm much more comfortable with people older than me or with kids. I think there was other stuff, but anyway...
Rather than post all of that, since it would be quite the novel at this point and I already have issues with typing too much...I wanted to put up the offer again to make "requests" if you have questions or topics you'd like me to blog about. It also goes along with what I said in my last post of wanting to use my experiences for good. It may just be a matter of liking hearing myself talk, but I feel like maybe I can offer some useful insights, either to people who have lived through a similar situation, or people who are helping their kids or others through it. I'm willing to talk about just about just about anything...abuse, foster care, addiction, the weather...lol If it's something that would be helpful to you to know please don't be embarrassed to ask. I'd much rather write about what will be helpful to someone rather than whatever I happen to be randomly babbling about that day. So if you have any questions for me please feel free to leave a comment, email me, send me a carrier pigeon, or however else you want to get in touch with me.
I did this a while back and I really enjoyed it (and I think I was at least a little helpful ;). So yay! Ready....go! :)
Rather than post all of that, since it would be quite the novel at this point and I already have issues with typing too much...I wanted to put up the offer again to make "requests" if you have questions or topics you'd like me to blog about. It also goes along with what I said in my last post of wanting to use my experiences for good. It may just be a matter of liking hearing myself talk, but I feel like maybe I can offer some useful insights, either to people who have lived through a similar situation, or people who are helping their kids or others through it. I'm willing to talk about just about just about anything...abuse, foster care, addiction, the weather...lol If it's something that would be helpful to you to know please don't be embarrassed to ask. I'd much rather write about what will be helpful to someone rather than whatever I happen to be randomly babbling about that day. So if you have any questions for me please feel free to leave a comment, email me, send me a carrier pigeon, or however else you want to get in touch with me.
I did this a while back and I really enjoyed it (and I think I was at least a little helpful ;). So yay! Ready....go! :)
Cycles
Well, it's been over a month again so I guess it's time for me to write! lol Life has been crazy for me. I'm getting ready to graduate from college. I'm done with all my classes this semester, then I just need my internship this summer and I'll be done. Finding the internship has been rough. At first I didn't think anyone was going to hire me and then suddenly I had different places fighting over me! That's a nice place to be but it made it very complicated because it was a hard decision to make. I was going to go to another state for my internship but now it looks like I'm staying local. That's huge for me because I've never really been one to stay in the same place long. Usually I go somewhere and hang out until I get bored and move on. I just don't get attached to places. But I've now been in my current apartment for almost 2 years! The last time I was in the same place for that long I was 13! Granted I did go out of state for a job last summer, but I actually stayed in touch with my friends here and felt homesick. I don't remember if I posted about it here or not but I was so excited to be homesick. People thought I was crazy for that but it showed me that I'd actually found a place that makes me happy and people I care about. (Don't get me wrong, lots of other places I've lived have made me happy too...I haven't moved out of misery or anything. Actually I've really liked pretty much every place I've lived. But the way my mind usually works, after a day or two it would be "Ok, moving on...what's next?"). So here I am staying for a full year and not even going away for the summer. Craziness! I gotta admit it's a little scary for me too. Even though getting away from people/places/things hasn't been the reason for my many moves, frankly it's been a nice bonus. I don't have to stress about relationships if I know there's an end date and I'm leaving. Now I'm having to grow up and stick it out even when my instincts/defense mechanisms tell me to run. (The fact that I'm done with classes is messing with all of this too. I really really really don't do well with big changes, so the sabotaging is definitely happening! I missed almost all my classes last week, even the ones I really like, because I just couldn't get it together to go).
But enough about me. I've been thinking about something that I wanted to share. People talk about the cycle of abuse. I get that idea. I've forgiven my parents, and a big part of that is because I realize how much pain they had in their lives, and how much they'd had to endure. I don't know a whole lot about my family history, but I get the impression that there's a long history of children being badly hurt. I don't know how I was fortunate enough to escape that fate of following in their footsteps. I have some ideas but honestly the concept terrifies me. I had good people in my life who kept me sane as a kid and showed me that people do care, and I had people in my adult life who helped me find my way....incredible friends who were there for me even when I really didn't deserve it. I also worked my ass off. I believe it was my higher power helping things to align so I could change. But I have to believe that my parents were also offered that opportunity, because a higher power wouldn't pick favorites. So I don't know why I was able to change and they were not.
But anyway. Tangent. lol I've been thinking lately that it goes way beyond a cycle of abuse and into a cycle of negativity in general. People who put negativity out into the world, have generally been hurt by some sort of negativity themselves. I didn't have kids so I never became an abuser, but I sure put A LOT of negativity out into the world for a lot of years. (Side note: Not having kids wasn't the only reason I didn't become an abuser...considering I ended up choosing to work with kids....but working with kids is easier and less stressful because they go home at the end of the day. I have no idea what kind of parent I would've been in the midst of my negativity. I'm lucky I can't have kids). I unfortunately made a lot of people's lives very difficult when I was younger. I was mean, I picked fights, I was a bully. I blamed others for my mistakes and I manipulated and used everyone I could. It wasn't intentional, it's just the way I was. I don't say that to try to avoid blame now. I understand that I messed up badly and am doing everything I can to take responsibility for what I did and make things right. I'm just saying that I was acting out of the negativity that I had experienced. The more I look at it, it seems like negativity spreads like a very potent virus. It can even be something small that starts it. One person wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and says something mean, if the other person is hurt they may go intentionally or unintentionally hurt others out of their own hurt and frustration.
So with all that said, has anyone else noticed that there seems to be a distinct lack of happiness out there these days? It seems like everywhere I look people are hurting, struggling, and just generally unhappy with their situation. I have an amazing group of friends that tends to be very happy, but I feel like we are the oddities. It feels like everywhere I go people are miserable or trying to hide or push away their pain in one way or another. It's not that I have some amazing and wonderful situation/circumstances. I still have a lot of trauma to wade through, and I still struggle with some of the basics of life that I didn't learn growing up. Not a whole lot has changed externally to be honest, but today I am loving the journey, even when it's hard. I wouldn't trade my crazy, trauma-filled, messed up life for anything. It is funny to me how many people I've had in the last year or so tell me they're jealous of my life. I mean, I think it's worthy of jealousy because it makes me happy, but people approach it like I have this wonderful easy life and that's why I'm happy. A little part of me wants to tell them the story of my childhood....ya know just for perspective...but I'm really trying not to break in to the victimhood which includes not defining myself by my past. But people are shocked when I mention time spent in the psych hospital! lol A part of me does want to attach my story to my present self a little more, just because I see so many people using past abuse not to succeed in the present. But I can match many an abuse story so I know it can be done. But again I need to be really careful about comparing my past story to others or putting too much emphasis on it because I really want to be defined by the happy, successful adult that I'm becoming today. Yeah it only took me an extra decade or so but I feel like I'm finally becoming a grown-up! lol
Ok I keep getting carried away on tangents so I don't know if I've actually made a point here. I guess my overall thought is just how do we stop these negative cycles from going further? Whether it's something little like a rough day or something big like generations of abuse. I work with kids who I know have been hurt already...whether it's by their parents or their environment (poverty, struggling schools, etc.). Some of them seem like they're right on the edge and could go either way...towards embracing that negativity or going a different direction. I know it's not as black and white as I'm making it sound right now, but using the virus idea it seems like people can eventually be "cured", or at least made a lot better, but not before they've done a whole lot of infecting of others. I wonder if true, major change can ever really happen, or if there's just too much pain and negativity already out there. I have some ideas of what could be done...things like focusing on the good news happening all around us, rather than just the violence and the yucky stuff, because the good really does outweigh the bad by a lot....or taking further steps to bring neighborhoods out of poverty, because it's so hard to stay positive and on the right path when everything around you seems to be falling apart and you feel like no one is paying attention. And then there's things like what I'm doing, where I'm hoping to have enough of a positive impact on the kids I work with to help counteract the negativity. I'm not delusional enough to think that my presence in their lives after school is enough to do that, but it's a start. It gives them something to count on that will consistently be there, and an adult that they know is in their corner. I know for me even though I was never able to express it as a kid, those teachers that showed me they cared were a huge part of what kept me going!
--------------------
I say it a lot but I'll say it again. I'm grateful for my life and this journey I'm on. I can't believe I nearly threw it all away. I'm also so grateful that I've reached a point where I can use my experience to help others rather than as the reason I need help. And I've actually had multiple people coming to me for help so apparently I really do have my shit together, at least on some level!
But enough about me. I've been thinking about something that I wanted to share. People talk about the cycle of abuse. I get that idea. I've forgiven my parents, and a big part of that is because I realize how much pain they had in their lives, and how much they'd had to endure. I don't know a whole lot about my family history, but I get the impression that there's a long history of children being badly hurt. I don't know how I was fortunate enough to escape that fate of following in their footsteps. I have some ideas but honestly the concept terrifies me. I had good people in my life who kept me sane as a kid and showed me that people do care, and I had people in my adult life who helped me find my way....incredible friends who were there for me even when I really didn't deserve it. I also worked my ass off. I believe it was my higher power helping things to align so I could change. But I have to believe that my parents were also offered that opportunity, because a higher power wouldn't pick favorites. So I don't know why I was able to change and they were not.
But anyway. Tangent. lol I've been thinking lately that it goes way beyond a cycle of abuse and into a cycle of negativity in general. People who put negativity out into the world, have generally been hurt by some sort of negativity themselves. I didn't have kids so I never became an abuser, but I sure put A LOT of negativity out into the world for a lot of years. (Side note: Not having kids wasn't the only reason I didn't become an abuser...considering I ended up choosing to work with kids....but working with kids is easier and less stressful because they go home at the end of the day. I have no idea what kind of parent I would've been in the midst of my negativity. I'm lucky I can't have kids). I unfortunately made a lot of people's lives very difficult when I was younger. I was mean, I picked fights, I was a bully. I blamed others for my mistakes and I manipulated and used everyone I could. It wasn't intentional, it's just the way I was. I don't say that to try to avoid blame now. I understand that I messed up badly and am doing everything I can to take responsibility for what I did and make things right. I'm just saying that I was acting out of the negativity that I had experienced. The more I look at it, it seems like negativity spreads like a very potent virus. It can even be something small that starts it. One person wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and says something mean, if the other person is hurt they may go intentionally or unintentionally hurt others out of their own hurt and frustration.
So with all that said, has anyone else noticed that there seems to be a distinct lack of happiness out there these days? It seems like everywhere I look people are hurting, struggling, and just generally unhappy with their situation. I have an amazing group of friends that tends to be very happy, but I feel like we are the oddities. It feels like everywhere I go people are miserable or trying to hide or push away their pain in one way or another. It's not that I have some amazing and wonderful situation/circumstances. I still have a lot of trauma to wade through, and I still struggle with some of the basics of life that I didn't learn growing up. Not a whole lot has changed externally to be honest, but today I am loving the journey, even when it's hard. I wouldn't trade my crazy, trauma-filled, messed up life for anything. It is funny to me how many people I've had in the last year or so tell me they're jealous of my life. I mean, I think it's worthy of jealousy because it makes me happy, but people approach it like I have this wonderful easy life and that's why I'm happy. A little part of me wants to tell them the story of my childhood....ya know just for perspective...but I'm really trying not to break in to the victimhood which includes not defining myself by my past. But people are shocked when I mention time spent in the psych hospital! lol A part of me does want to attach my story to my present self a little more, just because I see so many people using past abuse not to succeed in the present. But I can match many an abuse story so I know it can be done. But again I need to be really careful about comparing my past story to others or putting too much emphasis on it because I really want to be defined by the happy, successful adult that I'm becoming today. Yeah it only took me an extra decade or so but I feel like I'm finally becoming a grown-up! lol
Ok I keep getting carried away on tangents so I don't know if I've actually made a point here. I guess my overall thought is just how do we stop these negative cycles from going further? Whether it's something little like a rough day or something big like generations of abuse. I work with kids who I know have been hurt already...whether it's by their parents or their environment (poverty, struggling schools, etc.). Some of them seem like they're right on the edge and could go either way...towards embracing that negativity or going a different direction. I know it's not as black and white as I'm making it sound right now, but using the virus idea it seems like people can eventually be "cured", or at least made a lot better, but not before they've done a whole lot of infecting of others. I wonder if true, major change can ever really happen, or if there's just too much pain and negativity already out there. I have some ideas of what could be done...things like focusing on the good news happening all around us, rather than just the violence and the yucky stuff, because the good really does outweigh the bad by a lot....or taking further steps to bring neighborhoods out of poverty, because it's so hard to stay positive and on the right path when everything around you seems to be falling apart and you feel like no one is paying attention. And then there's things like what I'm doing, where I'm hoping to have enough of a positive impact on the kids I work with to help counteract the negativity. I'm not delusional enough to think that my presence in their lives after school is enough to do that, but it's a start. It gives them something to count on that will consistently be there, and an adult that they know is in their corner. I know for me even though I was never able to express it as a kid, those teachers that showed me they cared were a huge part of what kept me going!
--------------------
I say it a lot but I'll say it again. I'm grateful for my life and this journey I'm on. I can't believe I nearly threw it all away. I'm also so grateful that I've reached a point where I can use my experience to help others rather than as the reason I need help. And I've actually had multiple people coming to me for help so apparently I really do have my shit together, at least on some level!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)