We live in a negative world.
Has anyone else noticed that? And
I don’t mean just because bad shit happens.
Yes, of course, bad shit happens.
But I’m talking about the competition that seems to be going on out
there to be the most miserable.
Somewhere along the line it became “cool” to have it the hardest, and
less than cool to be joyful. Isn’t
happiness something we aspire towards?
In theory, yes, but we look down on happy people like there’s something
wrong with them. It’s like we’d rather
try to be the biggest martyr about how unhappy we are than actually work to be
happy. (And yes, being happy does take
work).
We all have our shit that we go through. It’s useless to try to compare and see who
has it worst, because what we deal with is unique to us. Whatever is the worst thing we’ve dealt with
is the worst thing we’ve dealt with…so to us that’s what “almost unbearable”
looks like. Also, what we know in our
life is what we learn how to handle. I
have traumatic nightmares and flashbacks from the past. They suck, and at times have been almost too
much to manage, but I’ve learned to cope with them. Others have said that they can’t imagine
having to live through what I did back then and what I deal with now. Thing is, I don’t know a life without
PTSD. I don’t remember a life before
trauma. But I look at what other people
go through, and feel the same way others do towards me. I absolutely can’t imagine being thrust into
a world where everyone else is speaking a language that I don’t
understand. I can’t imagine having to
get by 100% in a second language. That
sounds terrifying to me. But that’s what
many of the kids I work with deal with every day. I can’t imagine living in a war-torn country,
or in a place where life is otherwise so bad that you’ll pack up your family
and go to a new country where you don’t speak the language, aren’t treated all
that well, and have to move into a tiny house with 8 other family members just
to be able to afford to live. But that’s
what many of my kids, and families all over the country have to go
through. There’s so many challenges I
can’t imagine…that I don’t know if I’d be able to deal with…if I were sick or
if I were blind or if I were whatever.
Point is, we all have stuff in life that makes life hard.
But why do we seek it out and dig it up? I spent YEARS of my life dwelling on the fact
that my trauma made my life unmanageable and essentially unlivable. I was miserable. Until my first sponsor told me to let it go and
stop being miserable about it. At first
I was pissed. Of course I’d let go of it
if I could! But over time I’ve realized
that that wasn’t the case. I was
actively holding on to it and not allowing myself to be happy.
That said, I hate the phrase, “Just choose to be happy” or
anything related to that. That doesn’t
really describe it either. What I
believe we have the choice in is deciding whether we’re going to find the good
in each moment or the bad. Because
whatever we’re looking for, we’ll find.
That doesn’t mean that we’ll never be angry or upset. That’s a part of life, and in my opinion if
you’re not angry sometimes you’re not really living. And there’s nothing wrong with experiencing
and processing anger. In fact I think
it’s healthy and necessary. In the past
when I thought I didn’t need to do that….when I thought I was just so
peaceful…really I was stuffing everything deep down inside and becoming more
and more angry subconsciously.
I know I’ve said a lot of this stuff on here at various
times already, so sorry if this is repetitive.
What brought it to mind recently is that I was reading through some
different things online and I was struck by how sad everything seemed to be. We live in a beautiful world and we only get
one chance to exist within it! Why are
we spending it all being upset, angry, and stressing about what might go
wrong? Without a doubt I still have bad
days, but even on my bad days I’m generally laughing and having a good
time. That’s because I no longer let bad
days take over my good life.
I guess that’s what I’m getting at through all this. There’s a difference between being
happy/positive or upset/negative about something that’s happened, and BEING
happy/positive or upset/negative. The
first is a reaction to an event, the second is a worldview. I found the ability to be truly happy when I
let go of my happiness needing to depend on the world around me. I used to be on a perpetual roller coaster…if
something good happened in my life I felt good.
If something bad happened I was miserable. All day every day it was back and forth, up
and down. It was exhausting, and I never
felt ok or peaceful. If I was in a down
spot I was either feeling stuck or looking for what good event was going to
pull me back up…wondering if I’d ever find something big enough/good
enough/whatever. If I was up, it was
like being at the top of the hill after the roller coaster has done its
climb. I knew things were going to drop
into a wild and rapid descent at any moment.
I couldn’t get the full enjoyment of the up times because I was bracing
for impact for the next bad thing. So I
wasn’t fully living. I wasn’t fully
experiencing my life because I was always trying to look ahead for what might
come next to change wherever I was.
Today I don’t see my life as a roller coaster. I see my life as a river. It is a large and majestic river. Everything that happens to me is a droplet, a
ripple, a wave, etc. that all helps to make up the river. But no one thing can change the course of the
river itself, or stop it from flowing.
Good events and bad add themselves in and eventually dissolve
together…no longer visible as separate entities but still a part of the
collective. The river itself flows
towards happiness and contentment.
That’s because I choose to hold on to the beauty I see in life…in my
environment, in the people around me, in my faith, and in my experiences. And there is always beauty. On bad days there is the beauty of my friends
supporting me or a chance to visit my “god spot” and find peace that way. There’s the beauty of healing itself. I’ve been so blessed with an amazing recovery
community, with people who have shown me the way and people who I am able to
help. Today I’m able to be a positive
example of hope. I NEVER thought that
would be something I could be, but what a beautiful thing to be! If nothing else, there’s beauty in the fact
that I get to be a daily f-u to the people that hurt me…just by living each
day, being successful, and not letting them control me. (Ok maybe f-u isn’t the most beautiful thing I
could go with but it works for me J
).
I know I can’t make people change their thinking, no matter
how much I want to grab them and shake them sometimes! I don’t say that to judge, it just makes me
sad to see people missing so much of life by spending it stressing and in
pain. It’s up to every individual to
change his/her own thinking, and it’s not easy.
It’s not something that happens overnight. It takes work to seek the beauty rather than
the stress, the fear, and the what if’s.
It takes a lot of faith to enjoy the moment rather than stress about
bracing for every scary possibility. But
the effort is so so incredibly worthwhile.
My life today is beyond anything I could’ve imagined back when I was in
roller coaster mode. The funny thing is,
my circumstances have changed very little.
I didn’t win the lottery and my life didn’t suddenly become amazing by
some other means. The life I have today
is beyond anything I could’ve wished for during my depressed “yuck” times, but
outwardly very little has changed since back then. What has changed is my perspective and what I
put my effort and energy towards.
(Disclaimer: Because I know there are a couple of people
reading this who are probably wondering….this is in no way directed towards any
one particular person. A particular
online discussion I read made me think of it, but it’s been on my mind to write
for a long time now).
------------------------
I’m grateful to have the chance to be positive, peaceful and
content.
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