Saturday, June 7, 2014

It doesn't balance

Last week was my final week of coaching a soccer team at an at risk elementary school.  For the most part the kids I worked with were great, but they were definitely not without issues.  Some of them had no idea how to control their temper, or manage any other emotion for that matter.  Many of them would do crazy things for attention because they weren't getting a lot of it at home.  Many of the parents were either overworked (single parents, working multiple jobs just to make ends meet, etc.  One was even a single grandpa raising 5 of his grandkids because the parents were addicts).  Everyone in the community was stretched thin.  I loved doing it, but it was hard work.  It got me thinking...

With sports teams in more affluent areas...parents volunteer to help.  The coach is celebrated and if a kid acts up during practice or a game the parent is generally right there to help the coach and support the coach.  I didn't meet most of my kids' parents.  Most of them walked home.  Of the ones I did meet, some were great...some not so much.  Even the great ones seemed stretched too thin.  It was just that kind of neighborhood.  Everyone had to work hard just to get by.  It's a lot of stress living paycheck to paycheck in a place like that!  Not to mention the clear exhaustion of trying to support multiple kids without the help of a nanny or anyone else.  Some parents seemed great but spoke no english and my spanish isn't enough to make even basic conversation with them.  Anyway, it got me thinking how out of balance things like this are.  I know money isn't everything.  I've worked in affluent areas and had verrrry difficult kids.  But this was a whole group of difficult ones with basically no support.  I think the parents were mostly just glad to have them somewhere for a couple of hours.  Don't get me wrong, I feel good about the work I did, but it definitely wasn't the kind of thing you do for the money.  Everything I wanted to do I had to fight for.  The kids wanted to have a pizza party at the end and I wanted to offer that to them.  With other teams I've been involved with, you just say to the parents "let's go for pizza" and everyone goes and meets there.  Often one of the parents will organize it along with some kind of nice little gift for the coach.  This time I asked the kids to bring money but most of them didn't.  I ordered pizza to be brought to our last practice and most of it came out of my paycheck (I did get a discount, but still).  I'm not saying this to be bitter, nor to say how awesome I am, just to say that it was a firsthand example of the lack of balance in the world.  I'm sure it's far worse at the teacher level.  The hardest schools to teach at are the ones with the least support and lowest pay.  The kids who get tons of parent support, outside enrichment, a dedicated nanny when their parents aren't available, etc., also get to go to high quality schools with high quality teachers that generally get paid well and aren't stressed by the constant behavior issues and disruptions.  It's no wonder this gap widens from an early age.  The kids who need the most tend to get the least.  The people who work the hardest to help the kids that need it generally have the least amount of support while working extremely hard (not to say that others don't work hard as well, it's just different).

I read a book a while ago that really opened my eyes to this even more.  I don't remember the name of it off hand, but it was about the life of children in some of the poorest neighborhoods in New York City.  It became clear through this book just how bleak their existence was.  They didn't see it that way...it was what they knew.  But the issues went well beyond bad schools (that also had rats in them...ew!).  The neighborhoods they lived in were some of the most heavily polluted in the city.  They had health issues like asthma at way higher rates, which added additional financial burden on their parents.  Their parents would have to make horrible decisions like whether the last bit of money was going to food or medicine.  When they could afford to go to the doctor, there were very few quality doctors in the area.  After all, how many people are going to put in all the work to go to med school to live in a place like that, or even commute to a place like that.  The hospitals were falling apart and the city had closed many of them, requiring those in the poor neighborhoods to make an even longer commute to get help. A long commute isn't a huge deal if you can afford it, but for a very poor family, that could be the final straw.

I've been having my own version of this going on in my life, though thankfully not nearly to that extent.  The problem for me is that I am barely able to pay my bills.  I walk a very fine line of trying to get paychecks in before the final deadline for bill payments to go out.  Sometimes I miss that all important window, and end up with late fees on bills or overdraft fees from the bank.  If I were to add up all the money I've paid out just in fees this year it would be huge!  These kind of fees are the kind of thing that people with money don't have to worry about.  If you can afford to pay your bills you don't have to deal with late fees and cash advance fees and everything else.  But it's the people that can afford to pay that at least have some hope of being able to pay the fees.  If I can't pay the bill itself, clearly I can't pay the late fee.  If it weren't for all these fees I would definitely be even, if not ahead, financially.  Instead, I'm still in debt.  I get why the fees are there, but it's just more lack of balance.  The fees get charged to the people least able to pay them.  The people who could pay the fees and barely notice it never even have to think about fees....they can set up automatic payments and be done with it.  That's not an option for me because I have to hold out until the very last second in hopes that enough pay will have come in.

Another example that's hit me lately is a friend of mine is searching for a quality trauma therapist to deal with issues from the past.  This is something I remember going through when I was looking for a therapist.  Quality therapists are EXPENSIVE!  Again it makes sense...it takes a lot of effort and education to become highly qualified/certified.  And of course the therapists need to make a living.  But there's lots of data out there on how much adults who were abused as children struggle financially as adults.  There are a lot of reasons, but one basic one I know well is that when your brain is going crazy with flashbacks and everything else....at the time when you probably need a therapist worst of all...it's nearly impossible to focus enough to get a job and be a good employee!  Would you care about work when you feel like you're rapidly going insane?  Many abuse survivors struggle to hold down jobs.  Many never had the support necessary to go to college, so the jobs they do get don't pay well and generally don't have benefits...not to mention mental health is still, sadly, a practically unheard of benefit.  During the summer before I ended up in the hospital, one of the things that pushed me to nearly end it all was that I had finally reached the point where I was willing to say out loud that I needed help (a battle in itself) but everywhere I went to get help I was turned away.  Most places were too expensive.  The few places that were cheaper wouldn't take me because they were only for the uninsured....they didn't care that my insurance offered basically no mental health coverage.  So anyway, I know there are trauma survivors out there with the money to pay for all the top level therapy....and I know there are programs in place to help with the price, though many are extremely hard to get in to....but the point is there's a whole group of people who need the help more than just about anyone and aren't able to get it without a huge fight.  The people who can walk in and see a therapist at the regular price are less likely to have the issues to need one.  (I'm only talking trauma here....but generally people with any mental illness tend to make less than those without.  Also I do realize that people can benefit from therapy without any kind of major issue to deal with).

When you add issues of foster care into this, it's just compounded.  Many foster children end up on the streets after they age out.  They have enough challenges in facing the world without the support of a family...but add to it that they're often fighting just to survive....just to find a safe place to sleep at night and food to eat!  With a lifestyle like that it's hard not to fall into addiction....which many of them are already prone to genetically...which was likely at least in part the reason they ended up in foster care.  Anyone who has dealt with addiction....even those who started with everything a person could need in life...will tell you that addiction strips you of everything...your physical health, your ability to function (some people hold on to that better than others), your desire to improve your life, your ability to see outside the very narrow view of finding your next drug or drink, etc.  There are definitely people who fell into addiction even though they had a lot going for them...but there are a lot more that fell into it after a life of trauma, poverty, etc. and not really seeing another option.

I could go on and on about this, but I already have more than I meant to.  I'll end by saying it amazes me that people can still refer to others trapped somewhere in this cycle and say they need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, try harder, and stop looking for hand-outs.  Yes, of course there are people out there that are staying stuck out of laziness.  But there's also a lot of people out there stuck due to the lack of balance.  Don't call someone lazy from the comfort of your secure home in your safe neighborhood with your nanny for your kids and opportunities surrounding you, if that person can't accomplish the same things you have.  Remember they've likely been hiking for days with a 50 lb pack on their back just to get to your starting line.

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I'm grateful that even though I didn't have the best of starting lines that I've reached a point now that my issues are small...I struggle with paying late fees to keep my phone or keep my car maintained, but not with wondering whether or not I'll get to eat today.  Even on the tough days, mentally I know I'll be ok, and that is something I wouldn't trade for anything!

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