Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'm not looking for someone to hurt me! What I mean is, lots of days I'm strong. Lots of days I'm happy. Lots of days I'm looking forward towards the future. Lots of days I'm thinking positively. I used to spend every day being sad, angry, hurt, and scared. Most of the time now, those take a back seat.
But I want to be hurt today. I'm tired. My positive energy is faltering. I'm starting to learn that I can still be overall positive about life and still have days where I hurt. That's a struggle for me because I feel like if I admit I hurt I'll lose all the positive progress I've made. But when I look back at when I first started this blog I'm clearly not the same person as I was then! (That's a part of what made me want to start writing again...it's amazing to see the difference!). Anyway...I feel like I have to justify feeling hurt. When I start to say anything negative I want to follow it up with lots of "buts." But I know I'm very blessed today. But I know things are better now, and will continue to get better. But I know I can help someone else. Maybe when I used to be negative all the time I needed those buts. But (haha) today I want to be hurt and have that be ok. Most of my friends are supportive of me when I'm hurting...some take the tough love a little too far. The tough love is what I needed so badly early on, but now I need to figure out how to let myself grieve and be sad.
I was hurt bad as a kid. I went through a lot of pain. Yes it happened many years ago, but that doesn't really matter. It was far more than physical pain. I lost my parents. I lost my childhood. I lost my ability to trust. I lost my freedom..my chance to be care free. I have memories of being surrounded and hurt by a group of people, completely unable to move. That's something that doesn't go away. It's just...pain. I wish I had more words for it. It's just that complete loss of control....in that moment absolutely everything was taken from me. My body...my dignity...my humanity. I'm so proud of myself for how far I've come, but I hate what my little self had to go through. I hate that I know what it feels like to go through those times when everything is taken.
I went out for a beautiful dinner tonight with some of my favorite people in the world for my sponsor's sobriety birthday (16 years! Damn!). I was in quite a mood the whole time...I got to see some people I hadn't seen in a long time and my smart ass was goin full bore! I had everyone cracking up and it was super fun. It's funny to me that at the same time I can hurt so much. It's not a coping mechanism. It used to be to some extent. If I could keep people laughing they wouldn't see I was hurting... Really it's probably a lot of what kept me sane. Even at my worst I've always been able to laugh. Tonight was genuine and fun. I love being able to give that to others. My sponsor told me yesterday that I was on her gratitude list...(i'd written on her bday card that I was grateful for her, and I so am, but it still amazes me that she's grateful for me). Anyway, she'd written that I'm "delightful". I love that word! I've definitely never been described that way before! She said she loves my happy and child-like energy and how I make things fun and make her laugh. This is coming from a woman who knows more about me than practically anyone else alive...and definitely more than anyone else in my face to face life! I know I'm not an easy person for her to work with...my moods are crazy at times and I've had some big mental health stuff go on while I've been working with her...combined with the obvious PTSD, flashbacks, extreme emotions related to that, etc. A lot of people (including my first sponsor) wouldn't be able to handle that. But she sticks with me through all of it and is still able to call me delightful! It gives me hope that maybe the good inside me really is starting to outweigh the bad. I also loved that she had it actually written down on her gratitude list. No matter how much time I spend around a person, my immediate reaction when they say something nice about me is that they're saying it out of pity or out of obligation or something. But she'd written that as part of a list of lots of stuff way earlier in the day, so it must be true. :)
Wow I really did start out planning to write about how much I hurt today and how I want to just be hurt, and I STILL end up writing about happy things! lol I feel better just acknowledging that the hurt is there though. And it is helping with my theory that I can be positive overall about life and still have parts of me that hurt like hell.
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This post has a lot of gratitude in it already, but I want to get back in the habit of ending my posts with something I'm grateful for. Today is easy...I'm grateful for my sponsor and that I was lucky enough to find her...for the wonderful friends I've made in the last couple of years, my sense of humor and ability to laugh, and the fact that the bad days are the odd and unusual ones right now since most of my days are good.
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