Thank god for the here and now

I was driving home tonight and a song came on the radio that caught my attention.  One of the main lines of it was "Thank god for the here and now".  I have no idea who it is by or if it's new or old or what, but it caught me in the midst of being grumpy about how everyone (school, work, friends, etc.) is just asking way too much of me right now.  It brought me back to the fact that in that moment there was nothing I could do for any of those people, but how nice was it to be relaxing in my air conditioned car, by myself where no one could ask anything of me, and just enjoying the music.  That moment was a gift...a reprieve from the stress of the day...and I'd almost missed it entirely.  The one time I got to spend without having to stress and I nearly spent it all stressing!

So I have a challenge to put out there for anyone who happens to be reading this.  When you find yourself getting stressed (or even when you're not stressed), take a deep breath and see if you can find something to be grateful for in the here and now.  I'm not a religious person...I don't call my higher power god, so I don't think the "thank god" part is important.  The focus is just being thankful.  If you've read this blog for any length of time you know that my life hasn't always been sunshine and roses.  But I struggle to think of a situation so bad I wouldn't be able to find a little piece of gratitude in it.  (I'm sure such situations exist but I'm choosing not to try too terribly hard to find them because it would just make me depressed).  Really though, with so many of our day to day stresses, there's so much to be thankful for within them.  School is putting so much pressure on me because I nearly have a degree.  Friends are asking for my attention because I've become a person that people want to be around, rely on, and get advice from.  That's definitely not somewhere I ever thought I'd be.  I never even thought I'd have friends!  It doesn't mean I can't also be frustrated/stressed/upset/whatever else, but acknowledging the good parts in there helps sooooo much.  It's amazing how much just taking the moment to appreciate being in the car rather than griping to myself about the price of gas and everything else just calmed my heart and made me feel ok again.  We're just so lucky to have the opportunity to be here and get to live....to experience the world...  I usually hate saying this, but I bet if I can find gratitude in my world that you can too.

In semi-related news, I've had a lot of very hectic here and nows.  As you may have gathered, there is a lot going on in my life.  I'd hoped to get to the "Ask River" question a lot sooner but life has been in the way.  I hope that the person who wrote it sees this and can understand. :)  I am still taking questions too and I promise I will get to them.  (And it hasn't all been bad either...I've had a friend visiting, which was great, and even the things that have really been stressing me out have had good experiences attached too).  

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Need I add more gratitude?  I'm grateful for the here and now!  That I have a computer and a blog and a moment to write in it, though I really should be getting ready for bed!

Ask River, Part 2

So I just noticed I have A LOT of partially finished posts that I never actually published.  I really do need to work at this blogging thing!  Most of it's just rambling about things though...spending the Thanksgiving holiday with family and having it be intimidating (since I tend to hate holidays) but it going well...how I managed to go from miserable to happy/content (that one's a LONG one cus it's one of my favorite topics.  Fitting with my last post too!....there's one about going to a conference for young people in AA and realizing how horribly intimidated I still am by people my own age because I was so badly bullied as a kid (at least that's my theory for why).  I'm much more comfortable with people older than me or with kids.  I think there was other stuff, but anyway...

Rather than post all of that, since it would be quite the novel at this point and I already have issues with typing too much...I wanted to put up the offer again to make "requests" if you have questions or topics you'd like me to blog about.  It also goes along with what I said in my last post of wanting to use my experiences for good.  It may just be a matter of liking hearing myself talk, but I feel like maybe I can offer some useful insights, either to people who have lived through a similar situation, or people who are helping their kids or others through it.  I'm willing to talk about just about just about anything...abuse, foster care, addiction, the weather...lol  If it's something that would be helpful to you to know please don't be embarrassed to ask.  I'd much rather write about what will be helpful to someone rather than whatever I happen to be randomly babbling about that day.  So if you have any questions for me please feel free to leave a comment, email me, send me a carrier pigeon, or however else you want to get in touch with me.

I did this a while back and I really enjoyed it (and I think I was at least a little helpful ;).  So yay!  Ready....go!  :)

Cycles

Well, it's been over a month again so I guess it's time for me to write! lol  Life has been crazy for me.  I'm getting ready to graduate from college.  I'm done with all my classes this semester, then I just need my internship this summer and I'll be done.  Finding the internship has been rough.  At first I didn't think anyone was going to hire me and then suddenly I had different places fighting over me!  That's a nice place to be but it made it very complicated because it was a hard decision to make.  I was going to go to another state for my internship but now it looks like I'm staying local.  That's huge for me because I've never really been one to stay in the same place long.  Usually I go somewhere and hang out until I get bored and move on.  I just don't get attached to places.  But I've now been in my current apartment for almost 2 years!  The last time I was in the same place for that long I was 13!  Granted I did go out of state for a job last summer, but I actually stayed in touch with my friends here and felt homesick.  I don't remember if I posted about it here or not but I was so excited to be homesick.  People thought I was crazy for that but it showed me that I'd actually found a place that makes me happy and people I care about.  (Don't get me wrong, lots of other places I've lived have made me happy too...I haven't moved out of misery or anything.  Actually I've really liked pretty much every place I've lived.  But the way my mind usually works, after a day or two it would be "Ok, moving on...what's next?").  So here I am staying for a full year and not even going away for the summer.  Craziness!  I gotta admit it's a little scary for me too.  Even though getting away from people/places/things hasn't been the reason for my many moves, frankly it's been a nice bonus.  I don't have to stress about relationships if I know there's an end date and I'm leaving.  Now I'm having to grow up and stick it out even when my instincts/defense mechanisms tell me to run.  (The fact that I'm done with classes is messing with all of this too.  I really really really don't do well with big changes, so the sabotaging is definitely happening! I missed almost all my classes last week, even the ones I really like, because I just couldn't get it together to go).

But enough about me.  I've been thinking about something that I wanted to share.  People talk about the cycle of abuse.  I get that idea.  I've forgiven my parents, and a big part of that is because I realize how much pain they had in their lives, and how much they'd had to endure.  I don't know a whole lot about my family history, but I get the impression that there's a long history of children being badly hurt.  I don't know how I was fortunate enough to escape that fate of following in their footsteps.  I have some ideas but honestly the concept terrifies me.  I had good people in my life who kept me sane as a kid and showed me that people do care, and I had people in my adult life who helped me find my way....incredible friends who were there for me even when I really didn't deserve it.  I also worked my ass off.  I believe it was my higher power helping things to align so I could change.  But I have to believe that my parents were also offered that opportunity, because a higher power wouldn't pick favorites.  So I don't know why I was able to change and they were not.

But anyway.  Tangent. lol  I've been thinking lately that it goes way beyond a cycle of abuse and into a cycle of negativity in general.  People who put negativity out into the world, have generally been hurt by some sort of negativity themselves.  I didn't have kids so I never became an abuser, but I sure put A LOT of negativity out into the world for a lot of years.  (Side note: Not having kids wasn't the only reason I didn't become an abuser...considering I ended up choosing to work with kids....but working with kids is easier and less stressful because they go home at the end of the day.  I have no idea what kind of parent I would've been in the midst of my negativity.  I'm lucky I can't have kids).  I unfortunately made a lot of people's lives very difficult when I was younger.  I was mean, I picked fights, I was a bully.  I blamed others for my mistakes and I manipulated and used everyone I could.  It wasn't intentional, it's just the way I was.  I don't say that to try to avoid blame now.  I understand that I messed up badly and am doing everything I can to take responsibility for what I did and make things right.  I'm just saying that I was acting out of the negativity that I had experienced.  The more I look at it, it seems like negativity spreads like a very potent virus.  It can even be something small that starts it.  One person wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and says something mean, if the other person is hurt they may go intentionally or unintentionally hurt others out of their own hurt and frustration.

So with all that said, has anyone else noticed that there seems to be a distinct lack of happiness out there these days?  It seems like everywhere I look people are hurting, struggling, and just generally unhappy with their situation.  I have an amazing group of friends that tends to be very happy, but I feel like we are the oddities.  It feels like everywhere I go people are miserable or trying to hide or push away their pain in one way or another.  It's not that I have some amazing and wonderful situation/circumstances.  I still have a lot of trauma to wade through, and I still struggle with some of the basics of life that I didn't learn growing up.  Not a whole lot has changed externally to be honest, but today I am loving the journey, even when it's hard.  I wouldn't trade my crazy, trauma-filled, messed up life for anything.  It is funny to me how many people I've had in the last year or so tell me they're jealous of my life.  I mean, I think it's worthy of jealousy because it makes me happy, but people approach it like I have this wonderful easy life and that's why I'm happy.  A little part of me wants to tell them the story of my childhood....ya know just for perspective...but I'm really trying not to break in to the victimhood which includes not defining myself by my past.  But people are shocked when I mention time spent in the psych hospital! lol  A part of me does want to attach my story to my present self a little more, just because I see so many people using past abuse not to succeed in the present.  But I can match many an abuse story so I know it can be done.  But again I need to be really careful about comparing my past story to others or putting too much emphasis on it because I really want to be defined by the happy, successful adult that I'm becoming today.  Yeah it only took me an extra decade or so but I feel like I'm finally becoming a grown-up! lol

Ok I keep getting carried away on tangents so I don't know if I've actually made a point here.  I guess my overall thought is just how do we stop these negative cycles from going further?  Whether it's something little like a rough day or something big like generations of abuse.  I work with kids who I know have been hurt already...whether it's by their parents or their environment (poverty, struggling schools, etc.).  Some of them seem like they're right on the edge and could go either way...towards embracing that negativity or going a different direction.  I know it's not as black and white as I'm making it sound right now, but using the virus idea it seems like people can eventually be "cured", or at least made a lot better, but not before they've done a whole lot of infecting of others.  I wonder if true, major change can ever really happen, or if there's just too much pain and negativity already out there.  I have some ideas of what could be done...things like focusing on the good news happening all around us, rather than just the violence and the yucky stuff, because the good really does outweigh the bad by a lot....or taking further steps to bring neighborhoods out of poverty, because it's so hard to stay positive and on the right path when everything around you seems to be falling apart and you feel like no one is paying attention.  And then there's things like what I'm doing, where I'm hoping to have enough of a positive impact on the kids I work with to help counteract the negativity.  I'm not delusional enough to think that my presence in their lives after school is enough to do that, but it's a start.  It gives them something to count on that will consistently be there, and an adult that they know is in their corner.  I know for me even though I was never able to express it as a kid, those teachers that showed me they cared were a huge part of what kept me going!


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I say it a lot but I'll say it again.  I'm grateful for my life and this journey I'm on.  I can't believe I nearly threw it all away.  I'm also so grateful that I've reached a point where I can use my experience to help others rather than as the reason I need help.  And I've actually had multiple people coming to me for help so apparently I really do have my shit together, at least on some level!

Sick day

Wow once again it's been almost a month since I've blogged.  I was doing better there for a while but I guess I lost track.  And then I wonder why no one reads this thing! lol  I "write" a lot in my head, but by the time I get home and can sit down to actually put it "on paper" i'm too tired or I've forgotten.  Plus things seem to make so much more sense in my head than they do when I try to say them out loud.  That's probably why when I've tried to go to therapy it's never worked out, because actual talking and expressing myself doesn't seem to work for me.  Anyway, today I'm sick and my head protests loudly if I attempt to be anywhere close to vertical.  I slept a lot, and have now been curled up with my laptop watching tv.  But I've run out of stuff to watch, especially since due to the olympics there aren't even any online re-runs to catch up on from the last month.  I was catching up on some blog reading and figured I'd do some writing too (though I can only manage so much of that before my head complains at it too).  I'm frustratingly bored, but also totally worn out.

Anyway...a quick update of life for the birdie.  I'm back in school for my last and final semester of classes.  After this I'll just have my internship and then i'll officially graduate.  I'm supposed to be doing internship applications this week but I can't think straight at the moment so I'm limited in that.  Internship applications are like applying for college all over again.  Each one has their own process and requirements.  I thought it was just going to be sending my resume out to a bunch of places like I do when job hunting, but these all have supplemental questions....everything from "What do you want to learn in this internship?" to "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"  I haven't found any that are too totally crazy yet, but had I realized how different each one was I would've started earlier.  Ok or maybe I would've just stressed sooner, I'm still quite the procrastinator.  Lots of the applications are due at the end of this week.  I'm trying to do what I can and trust that my higher power will help me find where I'm meant to be.

I got an email yesterday that softball is starting up next week.  That totally caught me off guard because I'm still very focused on teaching skiing on the weekends.  I'm still in serious winter mode so it's hard to picture softball.  I was going to say the weather is warming up but I guess it's snowing again today so who knows.

Wow I guess my life is really boring if the best I can come up with to talk about is the weather.  It's a good boring though.  My brother's wife is going to be having their 2nd baby soon.  I applied for an internship in their state, but I haven't told them yet in case I don't get it.  I would love to be close to them though.  My nephew (who I was lucky enough to live with for his first 6 months) is already 3.5, so I would love to be close to him and I don't want to miss any of my new little niece or nephew's early life.

I just got a new job coaching soccer at an after school program at an elementary school.  It's a cool gig...it's for at risk kids, to get them active and involved in a new sport, and give them a safe place to be after school.  I coached soccer once a long time ago, but it's not something I know a whole lot about.  It is something I love though.  I got turned down from A LOT of jobs before finding this one.  This one definitely sounded like the most fun of all of them.  The hours are very, very limited but it's much better than no job.

Mental health wise I'm doing well.  My psychiatrist was talking about making big changes to my meds which had me worried, but after some small changes things seem to be leveling out.  I'm sleeping MUCH better, and actually getting 7 hours/night on a regular basis.  That is absolutely huge for me.  I used to get maybe 3 hours/night with 5 being the best I could hope for.  Then I moved up to averaging 5-6 hrs/night and really didn't think it could get better than that.  So 7 is genuinely blissful.  I'm really worried that staying in bed all day and sleeping so much like I've been doing today is going to mess that up, but it does seem to be what my body needs for healing purposes.  I've been trying to be active and outside as much as possible every day to encourage sleep.  For some reason I'm way better at sleeping during the day than at night.

Being sick is rough for me...but not in the typical way you might think.  The biggest issue I'm having right now is that when I get stressed out or anxious and wanting to avoid something I can pretty easily "create" physical symptoms.  I refer to it as being sick when I just emotionally can't handle being out in the world, because sick is a term that people can understand.  And really it is sick...it's just a mental health sick day rather than physical.  I'm doing much, much better, but there are still definitely days where it's hard for me to get up and get going to face the world.  On those days I'm learning new ways to push through it, and as soon as I get going I tend to feel much better.  Now with this I'm torn between pushing through it and trying to convince myself I'm not sick, or accepting that I am sick and letting my body recover.  It probably sounds ridiculous but it's really hard for me to tell the difference.  What I do know is that my sinuses are very stuffed up and I'm 99% sure that I can't subconsciously create buggers.  My sponsor had something really similar to this and she left work early one day and then missed the whole next day of work to sleep.  In the almost 2 years I've known her I've almost never known her to take a sick day, so that's saying something.

I'm working on anger/stress management so I hopefully have less of those too hard to get out of bed days.  I'm still working on finding ways to do it, but I'm taking a weekly boxing class (along with other fitness classes) which helps.  And I've lost 12 lbs so far this year! :)  I'm realizing that I still have a lot of deep down past stuff that I thought I was past (no pun intended) that's still badly getting in the way of how I'm dealing with things.  I didn't realize how much they were an issue until I started talking to my sponsor about it and out of the blue started crying.  The problem is that I still have anger floating around somewhere but I don't know how to deal with it, so it ends up coming out in really stupid ways.  I'm peaceful most of the time and then I'm suddenly exploding at someone over a tiny little mistake.  But I'm realizing that even though I've forgiven the people that hurt me, i'm still angry at what happened to me and how my life went.  That seems to actually be harder than being angry at those that hurt me because it's this target-less anger.  It just...floats there.  There's no one and nothing to be mad AT anymore, but I'm still mad.  And there's no resolution that i'm looking for that would make it ok again.  It's not like I'm looking for anyone to apologize or anything, and I know I can't change the past.  But I still don't know how to let something so big go.  I don't know how not to be angry that I was never a valued, wanted child...that I don't have a safe, happy home to go back to or fun childhood memories to share with people....that I lived in fear and pain.  I know it's over, and I know I have a good life now, but I want to be mad for that little girl that didn't get those things.  If anyone happens to be reading and has any ideas on how to deal with this kind of thing, please let me know!

Anyway, I thought I had more interesting stuff to say, but I guess not.  Thank you for joining me on the tour through my boring life. :)

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I'm very, very, very grateful for life.  That's all.  Even while sick I'm just glad I get to be on this planet and experience being alive.  There's a lot of really, really amazing stuff out there. :)

Oh the stories we tell...

A while back I went to get my car washed.  Apparently it was a popular afternoon for car washing because there were a lot of people there.  I decided to make use of the time sitting in line by cleaning out/organizing the inside of my car.  I'd already finished the front area, so I was starting to work on the back.  This meant that as I progressed farther back my climbing over the seats was getting more and more awkward.  I started thinking about how ridiculous I must've looked to the guy behind me.

While cleaning I found a half full bottle of pop.  I had no idea how old it was but plenty old enough!  I debated if it would be wrong to dump it out in the parking lot right there.  It seemed like not a big deal, but I knew the person behind me was probably watching and who knows what he might be thinking.  Maybe he's some kind of environmentalist who would want to say something about it (though if that were the case I'd think he'd have more issues with the car wash itself than the half bottle of pop.

Every time the line progressed this guy pulled up right behind me.  This is something that irritates me in any line...whether in a vehicle or on foot.  It makes me feel crowded and rushed, since being a little closer up isn't going to get you there any faster.  When it was finally my turn to put my code in to the machine I had some minor issues figuring out how to do it.  Since I already felt rushed by the guy behind me it was magnified by my frustrations with the machine.

By the time I finally got into, and out of, the car wash, I drove away thinking, "Damn that guy behind me was annoying!"  But then I realized...I didn't even know for sure if the guy was a guy.  I never actually saw him (or her).  I have no idea if s/he was paying any attention to me (probably not...I have no idea what the person in front of me was doing).  It's doubtful that they cared much at all about any of it because they probably had their own thoughts going on.  I doubt s/he was thinking of rushing me either...and had they stayed back farther I probably would've taken that to mean that they were somehow looking down on me as well!  But I had written an entire story about this person that I had never met, spoken to, or even seen!  Imagine how much other judging and assuming I've been doing...

Fast forward to today...I get a call from my sponsor this evening (that I missed) with a short message to call her on her home phone.  She almost never calls me (I'm usually the one to call her...unless i've called and left a message asking her to call), especially if we've already talked that day (which we had, less than an hour prior).  I figured there was some specific reason, but normally she would just say the reason in her message...like if she forgot to tell me something.  I called her back right away when I got the message but she didn't answer.  I started thinking about reasons she might of called, and within minutes I had reached, "Omg somebody died and she didn't want to tell me on voicemail!  Or someone's in the process of dying and she's not answering because she's at the hospital with them!"  Totally denying the lack of logic in her telling me to call her home phone if she was heading out to the hospital....amongst other things.

The logical side of me said that the fact that she'd asked me to call her home phone (something I'm not sure I've ever done, I usually call her cell, meant she was probably having some technical issues with her phone and wanted me to call it so she could test it or something like that.  But my not so logical side had already run away with a long list of ideas, each crazier than the last.  (We're talking thoughts like maybe she thought I'd done something crazy/bad and she wanted me to call her home phone that was set up to record a confession...now ignoring the fact that she wouldn't have had the knowledge or the time to set something like that up, that if she thought i'd done something she'd just ask me, and that I hadn't done anything so there'd be nothing to confess!).

I finally did connect with her and the logical part of me was of course correct.  After we'd talked earlier her phone had somehow locked up and she wanted to know if my phone had done something similar or if it was just hers.  Not exactly worth the hour of near panic that ensued after the first attempted call.

I wish I knew how to make my brain stop running away like that.  It's funny because I had been complaining to my sponsor earlier about dealing with a friend's paranoia and how frustrated I was.  (Hers is different...it has many layers and goes super deep to the point that it's taking over every interaction she has...but still).  Anyway it's so frustrating when I know that my fears are 100% illogical but they're there anyway.  Maybe it's because some of what happened to me is 100% illogical.  Maybe it's because I know the kind of crazy stuff that actually takes place out there.  Or maybe it's just because I have a crazy, over-thinking, magnifying mind.  And people wonder why I refuse to watch all the violent, intense crime shows out there now.  This brain of mine does NOT need any new ideas!  I'll stick to my happy little sitcoms thank you!

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Can I be grateful for happy little sitcoms, or is that a cop-out?  I really am.  Sometimes tv is just awesome to help me relax and be a distraction.  Especially the show Mom.  It is the most incredible show I've seen in a long time.  I generally laugh so hard i'm practically falling off my couch!  Though you may have to be an alcoholic to really get it.  But to think I almost never saw it at all because it sounded like it was going to be awful, sappy, and obnoxious based on the title.  There's that judging on little to no actual information again!  It's soooo the complete opposite in a totally awesome way! :)

But...

I'm irritated.  I might be a hypocrite for being irritated, but I am.  Many of the people around me seem to be stuck in that ugly place I used to be.  They're quick to tell me about their problems, but not quick to make an effort towards solving any of them.  They're quick to say how it's not fair, and how no one understands.  They've got a list a mile long of why they can't do this or that.  I'm irritated because they're my friends, but right now they're sucking the life out of me.  Things are pretty positive for me right now.  I'm working through my fears and making big progress in my life.  But my positivity isn't all that strong yet.  I have to guard it carefully, and I've told my friends this.  I'm willing to be there for a friend in need, but I'm not willing to spend time around someone who is always telling me why they're the victim and how life has hurt them.

I feel like a hypocrite because that's where I was not long ago at all.  But I've worked my ass off to get out of there.  Now these same friends tell me they're jealous of me.  When I try to tell them what I did to get from point A to point B I can see them tune out.  The excuses begin.  "Well you could do that because _____."  "I can't do this because ______."  Of course we all have our different struggles, but I didn't get anywhere until I stopped making those excuses and started working for things.

No one could've made me make changes before I was ready.  I get that.  I get that I have to let these friends find their own way.  But that leaves me with two options: 1.) Allow myself to be dragged down by them, or 2.) distance myself from them.  I have a very strong support system, so I know I'll be ok, but of course I don't want things to change with the people close to me.  I've brought them close to me for a reason.

I'm realizing now it's also a struggle because they're acting the way I'm fighting so hard not to act.  And they get the results I used to crave.  (OK still do sometimes crave).  It makes it so freaking hard to want to do things the "right" way.  I spent years telling everyone how broken I am, and getting lots of love and hugs and people telling me how wonderful I am in response.  It felt good, but I was subconsciously telling myself over and over again that I wasn't worth anything more and that I couldn't be anymore.  Also I always ended up feeling empty, because that kind of attention isn't lasting.  We all need it sometimes, but it doesn't make you feel fulfilled for the long terms.  That comes from, as I see it, earning your worth in your own mind.  I've had to prove to myself through hard work that I can be more.  I'm happy with the results but sometimes it's tiring.  When you do more, people expect more from you.  Sometimes I just want to melt into the puddle and join the comparing sob stories game.  But that's not who I am anymore.

A little while back I learned that a woman I really respect has quite the horror story of a past.  But you'd never know from looking at her.  She is strong, beautiful, confident, funny, outspoken, etc.  I was drawn to her from the day I met her as someone I wanted to get to know, and I'm so glad I have.  I've never seen her do the pity party about all the horrible stuff she went through (though she'd have every right to based on the little bit I know).  I've never seen her sit around mopey telling everyone it's not fair what the world did to her.  I don't know how I would've reacted to her if she'd been like that when I'd met her.  I'm sure I would've connected with her, but I don't know if I would've been drawn to her and had the respect for her like I did.  I know when I look at her, and I look at my "mopey friends," I want to be like her.

I know that sometimes in life we "outgrow" our friends.  It doesn't mean we have to leave them, but relationships change.  I don't know if that's what's happening for me now.  What I know is that I'm finding myself mad at my friends.  I'm mad that they don't appear to be coming on this journey with me.  I'm trying to fix them so I can keep them at my side, no matter how much I know they have to do it themselves and I'm probably just pissing them off.  This is a new one for me.  I've never been on this side of it.  It's weird because I was so recently on the broken side, but my friends seem to have forgotten that.  They keep giving me all these reasons why I can heal and they can't.  But somehow they don't see that it was just a few little baby steps that got me on the journey from there to where I am now.  They just see what looks like a big change now.  I was willing to take the step out of bitterness and victimhood and ask for help...and then take that help and run with it and become the person I am now.  I still have a looooong ways to go.  The farther ahead I go, the more I realize I still have to do.  I want to keep moving forward and I really want my friends to be there with me.  I'm afraid I'm instead going to go backwards towards them.

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I'm grateful because this is a rather kickass problem to have.  Not only do I have friends but I've also made substantial enough forward progress that this is even an issue, and that people are jealous of me!  Ok I don't exactly want people to be jealous of me, but it's cool because it shows me that I'm where my past self would've only dreamt of.

Could it?

I've been struggling with a lot of fear lately.  It's hard because I'm kind of afraid of everything.  It's not like it used to be, where I was afraid of walking out my front door, afraid of what people might do, afraid of what might be behind every bush or around every corner, etc.  Now it's more a fear of the future.  I think it's because next week I'm starting my final semester of school.  I'm soooo ready to graduate and so tired of being a student, but I'm also comfortable being a student.  I'm scared of entering the working world for real.  I've had plenty of jobs before but they've all been just jobs....no experience required...working around lots of other people doing the exact same thing.  The whole reason for going to school is to step in to more of a career.  Have a real role somewhere...rather than one of 50+ camp counselors or something.  (Not that there's anything wrong with being a camp counselor...its just different when you're being hired as part of a big group for a seasonal/temporary job).  I guess I've been a nanny where it's been just me...but anyway...it's just different to be looking at jobs where I'll actually be using this degree that I've been working so hard on.  I worry about if I'll be able to find a job, if I'll be any good at it, if I'll actually like it, etc.  I'd hate to think that all this time and energy has gotten me to something that doesn't work for me.  (Even though I know it's good knowledge that I'll use somehow, even if it's not the way I have planned currently).  I'm also at a place in life where all my friends are getting married and starting families.  My last single hold-outs both just tied the knot, and one is pregnant.  I, on the other hand, still struggle to take care of myself.  I've never had a real relationship with anyone.  I worry that by the time I'm ready to have a family I'll be too old.  I don't want to be having kids at a point in my life where I'll be elderly when they're teenagers!  (Ok I'm not that old yet...but still!).

Anyway...on top of all this fear, I've realized that what I fear as much, if not more, is success.  I'm not sure exactly why, but I've caught myself a lot lately sabotaging myself....as I mentioned in an earlier post.  Success has always scared me a bit, because it means more responsibility.  When I first got out of the hospital I was put in an intensive treatment program where I had at least 12 hours of therapy a week.  I had a lot of people looking out for me.  As I got better I dropped those services one by one.  Each time they practically had to kick me out.  Even though I wanted to move on with my life I was scared to not have that giant wrap around safety net.  School is a safety net in a sense.  Also, as I get healthier, people expect more from me.  That's a good thing.  I want to be a functioning, productive member of society.  I don't want people to have to take care of me.  But I miss the days that I could just go get drunk and not give a fuck about anything.  Now I actually care about consequences to things and have very real stuff I could lose...friends, potential jobs, my apartment, etc.  I'm very grateful for all those things...but sometimes they frustrate/scare me because it's more potential loss.  (Yes I realize how crazy this sounds as I write it).

I mentioned these fears at the meeting I went to tonight, and got a lot of really great responses.  One comment that came up multiple times was learning to believe that we're worth success.  That really hit home for me.  Part of the frustration I've had lately is that I'm still being held down by my past, and my child self would be so angry to see me so many years removed from what happened and yet still living so much under the weight of it.  But at the same time, it's hard to believe that I can be anything else.  When you're told day after day for years that you're nothing, lower than dirt, and barely deserving of breathing the same air as those around you....how do you turn that around to believe you can be, or deserve to be, anything different?  It's hard for me to imagine myself as a successful person.  Heck I still struggle to picture myself as an adult.  I know I am the age of an adult, but when I picture myself in my mind I still see a hurting child searching for mommy.  That is a hard image to give up.  It's hard to believe that I could be a successful person all on my own.  So maybe this fear of success is thinking that I must be missing something.  As one girl put it, my life is about finding all the ways that I'm a piece of shit, because that's what I believe about myself, so that I can hide those things from you so you won't see what a piece of shit I really am.  I don't fully believe that about myself anymore, but when I really get down to it I don't think I see myself as having the same worth as other people.  That continues to be a huge struggle for me....though I like to picture all people as souls without their human bodies....because then we truly are equal in worth.

So I'm trying now to picture myself as a successful person...not because of any kind of picture it and it will come type affirmation thing, but just because I want to adjust to that image as a potential reality that could actually be some day.  I'm also going to continue to try to acknowledge my day to day successes. Because of my black and white thinking I get so stuck in, it's hard for me to see myself and anything I'm doing as good unless I'm being told regularly that I'm the best.  Since obviously that doesn't happen often, I see other people around me getting awards for things and just being amazing at things and use that as a reason why I'm not good enough.  (Wow that's a topic for another whole post!  Yikes!).

Anyway, the last thing I learned from this meeting was/is that focusing on fears makes them grow....even if that focus is in trying to get them to go away or in thinking about how irrational they are.  You're still giving in to them by acknowledging them like that.  Instead, the focus has to be on taking action and doing the next right thing.  Most fears come with a built in action plan to get around them.  It's just a matter of staying in the action and keep moving forward, without getting frustrated that it's not enough (like i've been doing lately).  The AA big book describes the process of "trudging the road to happy destiny," and that fits for me right now...trudging.  But continue to focus on all the potential fears makes them harder to deal with.  Also, as another girl pointed out and I am unfortunately already very aware....if I spent even half the time I spend worrying on taking action...I probably could've taken over the world by now!  Or at least made some big changes for the better in my life.  Rather than fearing that I'm not where I should be, I could've made a ton of progress towards getting there.  Unfortunately I usually don't realize that I'm in fear until I've been at it for hours.  My fear doesn't show itself as straight out worry anymore.  Instead it's just avoidance and distraction.  I stare at my to-do list that keeps growing because I'm not doing any of the items, and then I go play a computer game so I don't have to look anymore.  I keep saying I'm going to re-resolve to do better and start picking things off that list, but hours later I catch myself playing games, or laying around watching tv or doing other useless shit.  A little of that is fine, especially when it's planned as a break, but when it's hours where I totally lose myself in it, it's not healthy and I end up feeling way worse afterwards because I'm still buried in unfinished tasks...still stuck.  But at least I've been getting out to meetings, keeping my apartment clean, etc., so there has been some action and progress.  Slow, slow trudging.

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I'm grateful for this AA club I go to.  It's just an amazing, accepting group of people who are so kind and caring even when telling me the tough stuff I really need to hear.  Multiple people thanked me for being willing to be vulnerable and talk about this stuff in front of the group, and others mentioned what a big step it is to be able to acknowledge the fear, name it, and admit it/talk about it to others.  And I got soooo much good, kind feedback, it was just amazing.  I'm so so lucky I have places like this one that I can go and be at home, no matter where I'm at in life.  (And others asked about stuff I'd mentioned in another meeting a while back, with genuine concern about how it was going....even after 2 years I'm still amazed by the amount of genuine care and connection that goes on!).