I remember a while back on a support site I used to go to, someone posted that she felt she was healing too slowly or that she wasn't healing "right". I left her this nice, well thought out message about how everyone heals at their own pace, that needing therapy (or any other help) wasn't a weakness, and that the fact that she was there and talking about it showed that she was making good progress. That stuff is soooo much easier to say when it's about someone else.
In some ways I know I'm doing ok. Between what I lived through and then what I did to myself, I shouldn't be alive right now. There are many people with my same issues who are still out drinking or using drugs...or who have killed themselves...or who just hide away and do nothing and don't get out of bed. This isn't about demeaning them, but just for comparison's sake...I'm doing ok. I've made it through school (aside from finishing my internship this fall), I have my own apartment, and I've done decently well providing for myself.
But then I see people who have been through the same stuff as me out doing amazing things. They're raising kids of their own...sometimes fostering/adopting kids with special needs. They have incredible jobs and careers. Some have started their own non-profits. They've used their pain to do all sorts of amazing things. I know comparing is never a helpful thing, but it's for perspective.
Some days I feel like I'm doing so well. I feel happy and peaceful. I have friends and I enjoy my life. Then there are other days where I feel like everything is falling apart and there's nothing I can do to hold it together.
I've been having a lot of those falling apart days lately. In fact, it got so bad I actually called a therapist, which is a big deal for me because I tend to hate everything about therapy. I hate where I'm stuck even more though. The problem is, I can't talk to therapists. I need therapy to learn how to deal with therapists. So all it did was make my anxiety worse.
My anxiety is so bad right now that I want to check out from the world and not have anything to do with anyone. It's taken me all day today just to manage to get dressed. Every time I get a step closer to going anywhere or doing anything my heart starts pounding out of my chest. My muscles tighten and I can barely breathe. All I want to do is go back to anywhere that I can hide...usually that means on my computer. The wonderful world wide web is a blessing and a curse for me. It gives me the distraction so my anxiety never gets too bad, but it also gives me a long-term escape from the world. I have no idea what I've done today because I've just zoned out.
The therapist I saw (well kind of saw...I freaked out and couldn't get in the building so she came outside to talk to me for a bit) yesterday told me that these are fight or flight reactions and not my fault. But that's not exactly comforting when I'm watching my life fall apart in front of me. I know where I want to be. I know what I want to do. I want to finish my errands, go see friends, go to the gym, etc. etc. Instead I'm hiding inside....even when it's a million degrees inside my little apartment. I'm laying here sweating because I can't seem to do anything else. It's HARD to type this because it takes SO much focus just to keep my fingers moving. Even typing this feels wrong, though I can't explain why. Everything but retreating further and further inside myself feels wrong, wrong, wrong.
I have nowhere to turn with all this because I can't talk to therapists because therapists make it worse. Even though the time with the therapist was ok yesterday, I gotta think that that's why this is so bad today. It's been bad a lot lately, but it hasn't been this bad in a really long time. To make things even worse I have a lot of friends dealing with a lot of big, heavy shit right now. I have really good friends and I'm sure they would support me if I brought this to them, but I just feel so stupid. They're upset over huge life stuff. I'm upset because even though things are going well in my life, I'm afraid to walk outside. It's another reason I retreat further. I don't want to put this on anyone because I don't understand it myself. It gets more and more painful inside until I want to die because I just want out! (No, I'm not thinking at all about suicide or anything like that....I'm just thinking about death right now because it hurts and I'm not seeing a good way out. At times it hurts so much I feel like I must be dying...which is again so stupid when I think that there's nothing even really going on). I want to tear my hair out. I feel like I am tearing my hair out without even moving. If I'm moving I want to be still, if I'm still I want to be moving.
I was supposed to see my doctor today and I skipped it. That's really not like me. I had my reasons...I was trying to get my records from my previous doctor because I want to go back on an anxiety med I was on before that worked well but they took me off it for other stupid reasons....but they told me they wouldn't have my records for at least another few days. So it seemed stupid to go in. But it was so stupid not to go because my appointments are free unless I no-show, then I have to pay a bunch for it. And I have basically no money right now. I need a job but I'm hiding from that too. Granted I'm waiting for a friend to get back to me on fixing my car so I can drive to a job, but I could call him. If I weren't hiding from it all cus the littlest things seem so big. I don't know if I should be reaching out for more help, or allowing myself to hide since help seems to trigger me more.
I'm sorry...I don't mean to whine. I just have to put this somewhere and I don't know where. I'm tired of being me right now. I wish I could just get out of my head and I have no idea how. I wish I could just sleep till next month or something. :( Sorry...I'll try to come back with something more positive later.
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Gratitude is hard right now. I guess, I'm grateful that even though I feel like I'm dying I know I'm really not. I know I'm safe, and that I have friends and my doctor and others there for support when I'm ready/able to reach out again. I also have my faith that it will somehow be ok again.
You are one of the bravest people. I "know". Fight through it, you can.
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