My amazing life

I haven't had the type of life that most people would look at and say, "Oooh, I want that!"  If you were to just read my story, without meeting me, you'd probably think it pretty sad.  You'd probably be surprised to meet me and see that most of the time I'm happy, smiling, and positive.  Of course I have my bad days (like today!! lol), but for the most part I love the life I have.

I've gotten some interesting comments privately from my last entry, and it's made me realize something. One of the things I'm most grateful for is the view I get to have of the world.  I walked into AA with nothing.  I was living on a friend's couch, and had no idea where I was going to go.  I couldn't figure out how to get through a day without drinking, so getting a long-term job hardly seemed in the cards.  I'd only been out of the hospital a couple of months, so I was only half convinced I wanted to live at all.  But I walked into a room full of people who took me in and supported me without judgment.  (Ok we all judge, but they saw through all my crazy messed up exterior and saw me as an individual).

Through my time in AA, and experiences out in the world, I've heard some incredible stories.  I know people who have experienced abuse of all sorts, every level of poverty, homelessness, unbelievable loss, and more.  I have a different view on a lot of political and legal issues because of people I've met.  I know illegal immigrants and consider them some of my closest friends.  I know two different people who have close relatives spending life in prison for horrible crimes.  I spent months writing letters to two different friends as they served their jail time....one for a 3rd DUI and one for causing a horrible accident while driving drunk.  My life was once saved by homeless people that you probably wouldn't even give a second glance.  And I've been homeless myself.  As I've mentioned before...I've lived with friends, I've lived in my car, I've lived on the streets.  I've lived a lot and I've seen a lot, and what I haven't experienced I've learned of through those I've known.

While I sometimes wish I could "un-know" or "un-experience", it really has given me a beautiful gift.  That gift is that I'm no longer able to think of people in giant blanket terms.  I can't think of "Those law-breaking illegal immigrants."  I think of R and her amazing family, and how hard they work....and how her mom would cook for me every time I came over, no matter how many times we insisted we'd just eaten.  I can't think of, "Those lazy poor people."  Instead I think of D, my first sponsor, who has struggled more than any person I've ever met.  Sure she made some bad decisions, but hasn't everyone?  She just had that unfortunate luck where her decisions seemed to blow up in her face in huge ways every time she was starting to get ahead.  I can't think about, "those lousy drug addicts," without thinking of S, who used to cause nothing but pain but has now created a non-profit that has given myself and so many others so much help, support, and safety through our recovery.  I hear about, "Those asshole drunk drivers," and I think of my friend M, who nearly killed herself and others driving drunk, but is also one of the most genuine, amazing, caring people you will ever meet.  I didn't know M while she was drinking, but the M I know now the world is lucky to have.

I'm not defending M's decision to drive drunk, S's decision to use drugs, R's parents decision to cross the border illegally (she was too young to have a say at the time they crossed), or anything else.  But when I hear a story about a drunk driver I don't immediately turn to anger or hate.  I look at the person and I see M.  I hear her story and I know the pain she was in that night that changed her life.  Some people are amazed to learn that I don't hate my parents for what they did to me.  Obviously they made some very bad decisions that I would never defend.  But again I know the pain of addiction and the pain of growing up in an abusive environment.  They lived through both.  I don't know why I was fortunate enough to turn my anger inward and only hurt myself rather than others, but how could I hate them for something I so closely understand?  No, my heart hurts for them.  I wish they could've found some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.  I wish they could've found their way out of their darkness and torment.  I could very easily have stayed trapped in my own darkness of anger, hate, PTSD, addiction, etc. had it not been for certain things happening the way they did.  Honestly it scares me to think too much about that, because I really don't know why I was given what I was while my parents were not.

The stories I mentioned above are all positive ones (well, aside from my parents...lol).  They had good end results, where the people in question overcame whatever issues they faced and found ways to do good for the world.  They are some of the many examples of hope that I hold on to when I'm struggling.  But it's not just the positive stories that are important to hear.  Everyone has a story.  No one is all one thing.  There are a lot of labels that fit me.  I'm an alcoholic.  I'm an abuse survivor.  I have multiple mental illnesses.  I'm a former foster child.  I'm also a soccer coach, a loving aunty, and a self-proclaimed dork that can make almost anyone laugh.  (I was at almost 100% except for the damn parking ticket appeals lady who I could barely even get to smile! lol).  But none of these things ARE me.  I am an individual with a story....with good qualities and bad....with successes and failures.  I think that one of the big problems in the world today is that we're all too quick to generalize....those democrats, those republicans, those poor people, those rich people, those Christians, those atheists, those ______.  We're all human, and we've all become the person we are for a reason.  And we're all doing the best we can to get through life.  (By the way, this is why it's good that I've never been in the army and I'm not in criminal justice....I'd be way too concerned about getting to know the people and working with them! lol  I'm glad there are others out there more able to do those jobs).

I think I lost track of my point a long time ago so I'll just say this....no one is born saying, "I want to hurt others when I grow up," or "I can't wait to become a homeless drug addict when I'm older!"  Something happens to get them there.  I believe children are born idealistic, but their realities are shaped by experience...both internal and external.  No one should get to use past experience as an excuse for bad behavior.  It's not ok that my parents hurt me because they too were hurt.  But, maybe if we sought to understand each other's differences a bit more, rather than accusing, attacking, and belittling, maybe we can understand why people act the way they do.  Think about it.  Even Hitler was once a loving, idealistic little child.  Maybe if we stop the generalizations and work on getting to know each other as individuals, we can make a more peaceful environment for children to grow up in....and those loving, idealistic little children can become loving, idealistic adults.  The first step, in my opinion, is to see people as individuals.  Get to know someone different than you....even if it's just learning their name.  The results may surprise you.

(Ok last thing then I'm done for real!  The other day I was on a plane coming home from my amazing vacation, when right behind me sat this HUGE biker dude and this itty bitty, soft-spoken, woman who worked at an organic produce company.  The two had never met before, but struck up a conversation and it turned out they had a lot in common.  It took just a matter of minutes for them to get through the small talk and the obvious outer differences, and by the end of the flight they were exchanging numbers to meet for coffee.  It reminded me of a couple of years ago when I was on a plane next to a proud stripper who taught me way more than I ever wanted to know about the "art of stripping," but also made the flight so fun for me due to her genuine excitement of being able to see the world from above on her first time ever on a plane.  I'm not suggesting running up to the next huge biker dude or stripper you see and invite them out for coffee, but I bet if you did they'd have a great story to tell!).

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This has all pretty much been about gratitude, but I'll say it again here.  I can't say I'm grateful for everything I've been through, but I'm grateful for the life perspective I have today.  I never would've gotten to know the wide assortment of people I have had it not been out of necessity.  Believe me I used to be happy keeping 100% to myself, but reaching out to people has taught me sooooo much about soooo many different "types" of people!