Expect better

I've had multiple conversations lately related to expectations.  It's a topic that comes up in and around AA often.  The idea is that our expectations tend to get us in trouble, because we're attempting to manipulate things (and people) we can't control.  It means that we're not living in the moment and not relying on a higher power to trust that things will be ok.  It's hard not to have expectations, and I think having them is human nature.  Of course, like so many things, it's how you react to them that counts.  One of the conversations revolved around the fact that expectations had caused many of us to isolate.  I like spending time alone, even if I'm lonely, because at least when I'm by myself I know what to expect.  (Though every now and then I surprise me! lol).  When you bring other people into the mix, it gets harder.  I may end up hurt if they don't show up, or if things don't go as I'd hoped.  Maybe I'll end up hurt because of something someone says or does.  That stuff is all a part of life, but of course I plan things in my head ahead of time to be perfect so I'm crushed if they're anything less.  The good news is that I've reached a point in my life where I do have goals and I am looking to the future.  It can be hard to separate goals and expectations.  The other night someone said that expectations are when you're trying to meddle with the result, rather than focusing on the action you can control.  I can make a goal and work towards it....like right now I've got this internship starting up fairly soon that's a big deal for me.  I seem to be spending half my time fighting sabotaging it (ie not turning in paperwork and that sort of thing) and half the time either stressing about what if it's awful or dreaming about me being the best intern the world has ever seen and getting hired for my dream job.  Of course the reality is that it will probably be somewhere in the middle, with good days and bad, and that either way it doesn't start for a almost a month so there's no benefit to stressing about it now.  (Or dreaming about perfect days and setting myself up to feel like a failure).  What I need to focus on instead is staying in the moment and taking the actions that I need to take right now.  That means making sure I get my paperwork in, make the phone calls I need to make to get things set up, etc.  See my old MO would be to be afraid of failure so I'd screw up something stupid so that I'd never even have to approach the big scary thing that I may fail at.  Of course I'm also equally afraid that I might succeed!

So...a lot of this comes down to accepting that what will be will be, and trusting my higher power to carry me through.  I have to accept what I can't change, and take the actions I can and need to.  Acceptance is another tough one for me.  Frankly I'm a little too good at it.  I'll think I'm accepting but really I'm just stuffing....pretending like I don't care and avoiding doing anything about it even when there's action to be taken.  I'm having to learn that if someone hurts me my job isn't to sit back and "accept" that.  But I also can't explode on them.  I need to step up and say that they hurt me and try to work it out.  As always, it all comes back to my least favorite word....balance.

But all of this has gotten me thinking about another form of expectations.  When I first got sober, I was shocked by my first sponsor, as she was the first person really ever who had genuine expectations of me.  She expected me to show up where I said I would, be on time, and do what I said I was going to do.  That was HUGE for me.  For years and years I'd gotten what I wanted and needed by playing the victim.  Poor me, I had a crappy childhood.  I can't be expected to be to class on time, I had a crappy childhood.  Why are these mean people expecting me to be to work on time?  Don't they know I had a crappy childhood?  Don't they know I have PTSD and a whole litany of other issues that make things so so hard?  My sponsor essentially told me, "Get up and do it anyway.  The world doesn't care about any of that."  I was so mad and so hurt at first...how could she say that to me?!  She knew my struggles better than anyone!  But over time I came to see what was really happening.  She was the first person to truly believe in me.  She believed I could be more than the victim of a crappy childhood.  She saw me as a person capable of genuine success.  Not the kind of success that's, "An accomplishment for someone like you," but actual functional member of society type success.  At this time I was far from that...I could barely venture out into the world, so this was a big perspective shift.

Now, 2.5 years later, I'm finding myself passing her message on to others.  Now I'm the one coming across as the mean bitchy one, just like my sponsor appeared to me.  That's hard for me, because I want to be nice and I want everyone to like me.  It's not that I'm being purposely mean, but I understand now that truly caring about something means doing more than just saying "that's ok" no matter what they're struggling with.  Yes there's a time and a place for that kind of support, but being a true friend, or even a true helpful individual, means finding that honesty.  It means telling them, "I understand that you're struggling, but I believe you can be more."  I've learned my lesson a few times in getting too wrapped up in trying to change other people.  That goes back to the type of expectations I was talking about at first.  I expect people to be wow'ed by what I say, and I dream of myself changing the world in a matter of moments.  But some people don't even react or get mad at me for what I say.  I have to remember that it took a long time for what my sponsor told me to sink in.  I wasn't receptive at first either, but the seed was planted.  I also know that what I have to share may not be what others need to hear.  It doesn't mean I shouldn't say it (though I'm learning to find the times that I should and shouldn't speak), but it may mean that despite my best efforts...no matter how much heart i put in to it...that person is not ready to change right then and it's not my job to make them.

When foster parents ask me questions about dealing with difficult kids, my answer often comes from some version of this.  You have to be there with them right where they are.  Meet them there and support them.  But you also have to have expectations.  You have to be realistic, but you have to have expectations and standards to hold them to.  Usually they'll live up to whatever you set for them, as long as you're with them for support along the way.  If the standard you set is, "You poor thing you've been through so much....let me help you with everything...." that's what they'll live up to.  They'll be stuck where I was.  They won't learn what they're capable of.  Instead, each mistake can be an opportunity to show them that you believe they are capable of more.  It's all about baby steps, but always pushing forward.

What started me on this whole long train of thought was a new woman who has been coming to some of my AA groups.  She takes the victimhood thing to all new extremes, worse than any of us have ever seen.  I don't think she's intentionally manipulative, but I don't think she's ever learned how to ask for help.  So she literally just sits there listing off everything wrong in her life and waiting for people to jump in and offer to do things for her.  If no one does, she keeps getting more extreme about the pain she's in, sometimes going to talking about suicide.  (In the few months I've known her she's been to the hospital multiple time for threats of suicide).  When people do help her, she never says thank you.  Instead she keeps asking for more and more (but not asking, just doing the same complaining thing).  I was one of the first people who got to know her when she first came to our meeting, so I've been trying to work with her.  At first I was actively helping, but then I got frustrated by the constant manipulation. I decided to only help if she asked specifically for it.  When she called to complain, I would help her find things to be grateful for in the situation, and help her come up with a list of possible actions she could take.  Go figure, I started hearing a lot less from her! lol  She wanted to find the people who would do for her, not push her to do.  But I stuck with my decision.

A situation came up last weekend where I had to confront her again on this stuff.  I was proud of myself that I managed to be kind but also direct and hold my ground.  I didn't back off even though I knew she was upset.  I got an email from her that was similar to what she'd said before, but with some slight positive changes.  I called her out again on the negativity issues.  At first I'd been very cautious about calling her out, because I knew she was hurting, but after we'd had our conversation I felt ok about it.  None of us really know how to help her.  We're all not quite sure what to do, and how much we should take care of her, because she does have some big issues.  But I decided to stick with expecting better.  I explained to her again simply and directly what the issue was and why it wasn't ok with me.  The email I got back was a huge trigger for me...talking about suicide and her being alone forever and calling a crisis line and all that.  It actually made me physically sick...maybe because that's where I used to be or maybe because of the manipulation in it.  I don't really know.  I had to take the email I had written back to her to a couple people to see if I'd been overly mean.  They assured me that I hadn't at all and thought I'd handled it well.  I had to let it go and just say a prayer.  Well, a few days later she apologized to me (on email).  I saw her that night and was a little hesitant to approach because I wasn't sure where we stood.  But she approached me and she thanked me!  She thanked me for what I'd said to her!

I'm realizing as I write this that this story probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me because I'm having to leave out some important details.  But that's ok, I write for me anyway! :P  The point I'm getting to, in my long and winding way, is that I expected better and lo and behold I'm seeing positive change.  For the first time ever she expressed gratitude, and gave a bit more of her genuine self out.  She's starting to reach out to people in a genuine way rather than trying to manipulate them.  Itty bitty baby steps, but it's happening.

For some reason this has always been something I've been good at.  I remember years ago I taught a season long ski program for kids.  One day I took my group down a longer run that was a bit above where we usually went.  I knew they were ready for it, but I knew it would be hard for them.  That night, one of the girls told her mom that she was really tired and that it was too hard for her.  Her mom got worried and tried to move her to a different class.  I knew she didn't need to be moved down, but of course the program directors have to listen to mom.  Well, the next week that little girl absolutely refused to ski with anyone but me.  She knew I was pushing her into new challenges, but she also knew I had her back and she could trust me.

Maybe it's because I've had to learn to push through so many fears of my own....and find ways to exist in the world even back when every instinct told me to hide from it all....maybe that's what's given me this ability to find that limit of just how far to push.  All I know for sure is it's a big part of why I want to work with at risk kids.  I love to see kids getting through that barrier...in sports, or life, or whatever...and pushing through whatever it is that's holding them back.

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Ok now that I got all touchy feely happy goosebumps there...lol  I really do get so attached to people I'm able to work with, especially kids.  I love to coach, whatever form that coaching is taking.  I guess I'm grateful for the opportunities I'm getting now to be able to help people, and the continual insights I'm getting into life as I struggle through it.  I'm also grateful that I have a blog no one reads so I can write whatever the hell I want while half asleep and don't have to worry too much what people think of it! lol