I've never liked night time. As a kid, night was when bad things happened. As I got older, it became the time that I have to face the memories of those same bad things. Now I don't like it because it's lonely. I like daytime and sunshine and being able to be outside without feeling scared (yes I'm still very afraid of the dark). Unfortunately my body seems to have reacted to fears about darkness and night time by keeping me awake during it. Then, I finally fall asleep and sleep through the daytime that I really want to be up for. It seems my body is fighting to make me nocturnal...pretty ironic for someone afraid of the dark.
When I first got sober I was a total insomniac. I rarely slept and I embraced the night. I spent my nights cleaning, baking, doing puzzles, working on art projects, etc. But now my body has decided it likes the sleep and wants the sleep. I feel so exhausted I struggle to think long enough or well enough to even consider a puzzle or anything else. I definitely wouldn't trust myself with the oven! lol So instead I'm just stuck feeling kinda lonely. Daytime is great...there's things to do, people to see. There's not much of that at night. At least not the kind of stuff that's healthy for me to be doing.
I've tried melatonin, and that worked for a while, but it kinda scared me. See the problem isn't exactly that I can't sleep. I mean it sort of is, but the bigger problem is that there's a part of me that's absolutely terrified to sleep. When I'm awake I can handle things pretty well...even the big flashbacks. I have coping skills...people I can talk to...etc. Once I'm asleep I have none of that. My thoughts go where my thoughts go and I hate it. I feel so vulnerable, because the nightmares I end up having are so intense. So...I take melatonin and it makes me very, very tired, but it doesn't make that scared part of me cease fighting. If anything it scares that part even more because it makes me feel drugged. Imagine if you knew that the only way to keep yourself safe was to just stay awake, and then suddenly something kicked in that made you painfully groggy.
I know none of this is exactly rational, but for that scared part of me it's very, very real. I wish I had any idea how to stop being afraid. The only answer I've gotten in the past is that as I work things out during the day the nightmares will lessen. That seems to work to an extent, but then I get hit with waves of nightmares and it feels like things start all over again.
So if you happen to be reading this and have some ideas on getting rid of nightmares please please let me know. Though please don't go in to the usual insomnia "sleep hygiene" stuff of routines and schedules and all that jazz. That I'm sure works well for "typical" insomnia but that's not what this is. I am actually, genuinely terrified of sleep, though also wanting to sleep more than anything because I'm physically and mentally exhausted. (Oh, and the fact that it's a bazillion degrees outside doesn't help! My apartment doesn't have AC and one of the things I usually like about night is getting to cover up in big safe heavy blankets. Now I don't want blankets anywhere near me and I tend to be physically uncomfortable a lot of the night just from the heat).
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I'm grateful that for the most part I only battle this stuff at night now. It used to be a 24/7 issue.
HUGS
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