Sleep is a weird thing for me. Nighttime in general is. I have streaks of great sleep. I get into a routine, I'm able to fall asleep without too much of a fight, there's no fear or panic, nightmares are minimal, etc. Then I have bad streaks. I get scared. Laying down in bed triggers old memories. My body fights sleep like crazy, no matter how much I logically know I'm safe. The sleep I get is restless, I spend most of the night trying to distract myself or calm down the yuckiness, and I get more and more exhausted.
I'm in the midst of a bad streak right now. Most nights I've had to walk outside at least once before I fall asleep to remind myself of where I am in the present. When I go outside I'm reminded that I'm in my apartment and it's safe and there's not scary people around. I've been watching tv until I fall asleep, because my body won't cross that bridge into sleep on it's own. No matter how tired I am, as soon as I lay down I feel the fight. Something deep down inside is refusing to let go of being awake. Again logically I know I'm safe, but it's that whole giving up control thing that still really freaks me out. I can handle the daytime pretty well these days. But as soon as I fall asleep I've given up control. I'm allowing myself to be completely unaware of the world around me...both the actual physical world and the dream world. I can't do anything to stop the nightmares if they come. And, I'm a deep sleeper, so I kinda feel like my building could burn down around me and I'd sleep right through it. I can't even tell you exactly what it is I'm afraid of, but I just don't like the idea that big things could be happening around me and I'd be entirely unaware....something that during the day I could handle without a problem.
But with all this crappy sleep stuff going on...the amazing thing is, I feel really good. The other day I was talking to this woman I know who takes pessimism to a whole new level. She's the ultimate victim in everything and I don't think I've ever heard her say anything positive. (Not exaggerating...the closest I can think to something positive is she once said "not so good" in answer to my how are you question...which is an improvement over some form of miserable or terrible that she usually uses. And once she told me she was "trying to be grateful" that she just got a new phone. I guess that's almost positive...but I'd be pretty damn excited if I got a brand new smart phone).
Anyway...I was talking to this woman and mentioned some stuff about my family. Keep in mind none of the people I describe as my family now are related to me, but I refer to them as though they are. I call my best friend my brother, a woman who has mentored me my aunt...I sometimes refer to my former foster parents as my parents, depending on who I'm talking to and what kind of mood I'm in... you get the idea. I was talking about these people and ms. eternal pessimist says in a very sad voice, "I wish I had your family." I had to laugh on the inside. NOBODY wants my family. Not the one that's related to me anyway. Not the ones I grew up with who beat the shit out of me on a regular basis, wouldn't let me eat, did horrible sick things to me, and allowed others to do the same. That's not the kind of family you get jealous of. I don't know much about this woman's family but I know that as an adult they still offer her a lot of support and help. I know they could still have lots of issues, but in general family is not a place to be jealous of me.
But then I got to thinking. I have an amazing family! No they're not related to me, but for the first time ever in my life I am surrounded by people who love me for me. They genuinely care about me...good days and bad days...happy or hurting...they're there for me and I get to be there for them. I've been around these people for long enough, and been a trustworthy person for long enough, that they're starting to really share themselves with me. (Some of the people I consider family I've known for years...but most of them are my AA family that of course I've only been getting to know for the last 2 years). I'm feeling that connection that I not only didn't have but it was so foreign to me I didn't even know I was missing it. I' usually avoid the word love because it brings up a lot of negative, confusing, complicated stuff for me, but I think what I'm experiencing is loving and being loved. And with these people it doesn't scare me. I actually like it and it makes me feel good inside.
I was thinking about all of that as I felt tonight start to go bad. I started to think of how I wish I could make this all go away...all my panic attacks and all my "crazy" fears that I know don't make sense in the present but I can't shake them...I was just wishing to be "normal"...without the PTSD, without the scary past, without the pain of losing my family as it was "supposed" to be. But I realized something. As soon as these thoughts started they went away, because I'm not sure I can wish it never happened anymore. Of course I wish that I didn't have the pain I do, but I love the person I'm becoming and I love the life I have. I love my family, and without all the pain of the past I doubt I would've ever found them. I don't think I'll ever be grateful for what I went through, but today I'm a strong person who can get through just about anything, and I'm surrounded by amazing people who actually care about me and want me around. I don't know what my life would've been like with a happy, nice family, but I don't know that I would risk changing the past if it meant losing what I have now.
-----------------------------
This whole post is pretty much gratitude, so I want to do a little something different down here. One of the AA promises, which they say come true as you do the work, is, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I always thought that whoever wrote that clearly had no idea of how bad the past can be. I've always wanted nothing more than to shut the door on it, even as I heal from it. But as I write this I realize that I can't regret the past because it got me to here. There's beauty in the worst of it (ok maybe not the very worst...I'm not THAT serene yet!), because I can see how each strand of it connects to something today to make me who I am and make my life what it is. It may all be different tomorrow, but today I don't regret the past, and I don't want to wish it all away. I just want to be here and be me. Though it would be nice if I could also be asleep.
(Disclaimer: I am in absolute exhaustion mode so my apologies if this makes no sense! It makes sense in my head though so it felt good to write. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment