Me

I hadn't really planned on blogging about this but it's still on my mind so I might as well.  I've been sick, so I haven't been able to do much and have had WAY too much time to think (It also means I have an only partially functioning brain so my apologies in advance if there's anything in here requiring apologies in advance! :-P )

A few days ago was a friend's birthday.  Another friend of ours (R) planned a dinner out for all of us to celebrate.  This particular friend (M) is like me and is not a big fan of celebrating her birthday (unless it involves getting too drunk to think).  This year, at almost a year sober, she decided she was willing to do something to acknowledge it.

M and I spent most of the day together....not doing anything "birthday" specific, but mostly giving her a fun distraction so she wasn't thinking about the day.  We saw a movie and then were headed to dinner but realized we needed to stop at her house first...which was going to make us a few minutes late.  We had already texted the other friend that was planning to come (A) to let her know we were running late, and when we got to M's house she ran inside and I called R to tell her.  To my total surprise, utter chaos ensued from there.  R flipped out, asking why did no one let her know and how could we change the time when she organized it and yada yada.  I was confused from the start, because the whole reason I was calling was to let her know, and it's not like we were trying to cancel it...just push it back 15 minutes.  But I guess A had texted R to ask if she knew we were changing the time, and R was upset she hadn't been told first.  The only reason we had texted A earlier is because A had texted M and M was replying to it.

Ok I know that probably sounds confusing when it's all just letters...and really the details aren't important anyway.  Long story short, R decided she wasn't going.  It basically turned into an adult woman throwing a fit like a 2 year old and saying well fine then I'm not going.  I was totally blindsided by it.  When at first she said she didn't want to go I figured she'd suck it up and go anyway.  When she said she wasn't coming I just didn't even know what to think.

I get that it's hard for some people to understand why celebrating your birthday would be difficult and stressful (especially if you have a traumatic past)...and I get getting overly emotional about little things...especially if there are bigger things going on (and I do know she's been having a rough time lately)...but regardless of everything else going on, a friend's birthday is when you suck it up and go anyway and be there for your friend!  The 3 of us had a good time anyway, but M was clearly hurt by R not showing.  And the really crazy thing is....M and I are ALWAYS late going anywhere....we're both working on it but we're both horrible at time management.  Between the two of us, something will happen to at least one of us to make us late.  And really we weren't even all that late.  So it's just such a crazy thing to pick to be mad at.

But even that is not the point.  M called R the next day, and all R could say was that she was upset and that we weren't considering her feelings.  She still doesn't get it that she's completely disregarding M's feelings and the dinner out was for M, not R!  It's just insecurity and bitterness taken to an extreme.

I've noticed this happening with R for a long time now, and it's getting worse.  Basically, she wants everyone to tell her that she's our best friend or else she feels excluded and jealous.  A few weeks back at a meeting I was sitting with R and then invited another friend of ours to come sit on the other side of me and turned to say hi to her and see how she was.  Well that night I got a series of angry text messages from R about ignoring her at the meeting.  Well....at meetings...and especially this particular meeting...half the fun is getting to see a lot of good friends but there's very little time to actually hang out and chat before the meeting starts.  It's not like we were having a long, in-depth heart to heart...and it would've been totally weird had I not greeted this other friend.  (And the other friend was friends with R too...so yeah...).

It's really weird to me watching all this unfold with R.  It's amazing to see someone so wrapped up in herself.  I know that's how I used to be.  I looked around constantly saying "but who will take care of me?" like a hurt child.  The only way I knew to make friends was to sit in a corner somewhere looking sad until someone took pity on me and came to talk to me.  I used to use that as "proof" that people didn't like me...I'd sit by myself and if no one came to talk to me than clearly no one liked me.  That gave me an excuse not to try...and to go home and sit by myself and drink....continue to be miserable and take the easy way out.  I still get that way sometimes...especially when I can sense I'm around caretaker or motherly types...I go into little kid mode.  But it's something I'm really trying to change.  When I start feeling that "But what about ME?" thing, I take a breath and try to turn it around.  I try to look for what I can add to a situation, not what I can take.  If I'm being ignored, is there someone else who is feeling ignored who could use my help/attention?  A while back I went to this big AA convention thing.  It was super overwhelming and it felt like everyone had a group of friends.  I got overwhelmed and scared (still don't handle social stuff well), and ended up hiding in a corner crying.  A month or so later I met a guy who had also been at that convention and had had the same response...except that he hadn't been sober nearly as long as me and had been so upset and so lonely that he went out and drank.  He was just coming back into the rooms again when I met him.  So I may not have met him while I was there...but I'm sure there were others like him that I walked right past.  Maybe I could've offered something to someone...  And even if there wasn't someone to help, there was nothing stopping me from saying hi, joining a group, meeting people, etc.  If people aren't talking to me, it's probably because they haven't met me.

I have to remind myself on an almost daily basis that people aren't mind readers.  If people aren't coming to talk to me I need to go to them.  I need to put myself out there.  And if they're not calling maybe they're busy.  Maybe they have their own issues going on.  (Or maybe they have something going on but I'm supposed to be supporting them and have totally forgotten because I'm thinking about me.  Yep has happened more than once...lol).  It's a weird balance, this recovery thing...I'm learning to take care of myself while also learning to stop thinking about myself all the time.  It's strange, but both of those things actually fit together really well.  I used to let my health go entirely.  Now I'm taking care of it but and recognizing my own needs, but part of that is also recognizing that I'm not the center of everyone's universe.  For example, with this R situation...she and I used to be a lot closer, but now I've made a point of distancing myself from her.  She's on a serious negative spiral right now, and I am learning to value the positive in my life.  I try to help others where I can, but I recognize when I need to be around people that build up the positive in me because it can be shaky sometimes.  R is a bit of a vampire...she takes a lot and gives very little back right now.  That said, many people have said I should stop being friends with her all together, but that's not something I'm going to do.  Like I said I used to be where she is and I feel for her.  Her birthday is coming up soon and I'll still give her a card.  I'll go to her celebration if I'm asked (though I'm getting the feeling now that I won't be! lol).  I'll be there for her if she wants the support.  But I'll be honest with her and let her know she's pushing people away.  I'm not going to cater to her why me, what about me, notice me, etc.  I'm not going to go begging for her friendship, trying to convince her she's important, because that just plays into her manipulation and doesn't help in the long run.  The next time I get a chance to talk to her, I'll let her know (in a loving way) that I think she's being selfish and I think she needs to change her thinking.  That might sound mean, but I believe it's the best thing I can do for her as her friend.

I finally understand what people have told me for so long about choosing to be miserable.  It doesn't mean that you can snap your fingers and suddenly be happy, but R is showing me that if you're not willing to look outside yourself and make some changes you're going to keep being miserable.  It's hard to watch but she's isolating herself and then blaming us for her loneliness.  She could've chosen to be a part of the fun the other night, but instead she chose to stay home, likely dwelling on how people supposedly didn't like her.  It wasn't our job to chase her down and convince her to come.  It was her job to make the decision to be there.  Every day it's my job to make the decision to be present for my own life.  If I'm isolated, alone, and miserable it's likely because of a decision I made.

And here I thought I was too sick to have much of anything to say! lol

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I'm grateful for honest friends who will let me know if I'm making bad decisions.  These friends show me they believe in my ability to do better and they want better for me.  If they see me going down a bad path they not only show me but they support me all the way back to where I want to be.  I'm very lucky to have them!