I've been trying so hard to stay positive. I told myself I was going to come on here and write a nice positive post about all the men I know out there who are great fathers. I know they're out there, and they're so, so important to their children's lives. I wanted to focus on the dad's that deserve to have a special day just for them.
That's what I'd hoped for, but instead the terrifying memories of my own dad won't leave my head. If you've ever wondered what PTSD is like....I am exhausted. I want nothing more than to sleep. But every time I close my eyes I see him there waiting for me, like he's planning my nightmare. I see images of the awful things he did to me. If I keep my eyes closed the images come closer and suddenly I'm right there in the experience again. So I fight it. I open my eyes...I remind myself where I am....that I'm ok...that I'm safe. My eyes start to close again, and again he is there. My body begins to fight harder....doing everything it can to keep me from sleep. And yet it's my body that is exhausted and craving sleep. The more tired I get, the harder it is to sort out any of these thoughts. The harder they get to deal with, the more terrifying they get and the more they're able to keep me from sleep. It's a terrible cycle. Now I can't even lay down without physically feeling them on me. I feel their hands on me like it's happening. It doesn't matter how much I logically know it's not. Once that starts I can't get comfortable...whether laying down or sitting or standing or anything else. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I feel them. It begins to hurt. Badly. But how do you stop a pain that comes from within? My usual coping skills don't work. I can't think through it because my mind is filled with thoughts of them. There may be some creative solution somewhere but I'm just too tired to care. The only weapon I have is to fight sleep...to keep my eyes open no matter what. But the only hope I have is getting my body to rest.
So I'm sorry, wonderful fathers of the world, I won't be writing about you tonight. Instead I'm just going to pray that my not so wonderful one will leave my head long enough to make this cycle stop.
I know this will pass. I just wish it would pass sooner. I wish I had any idea how to make it stop.
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I'm grateful for incredible friends who kept most of today a very good day. And I'm grateful for the fact that those incredible friends can see me have a panic attack in their car and not judge me for it or even look at me funny, but just let me know they care. I've experienced that with online friends before, but having people see that part of me in person and get a positive response is very new to me.
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