Some of my best enemies...

It's coming up on father's day, which, among other things, has caused me to be awake at 1 am, my body and my subconscious too afraid to venture into dreamland.  There are too many ugly thoughts and memories residing there.

I go online and I end up reading something filled with anger at the selfish, self-absorbed actions of a particular drug addict, and eventually towards drug addicts and alcoholics in general.  I was taken aback.  The very reason I'm unable to sleep...the reason for my PTSD-induced nightmares....is the actions of the drug addicts and alcoholics in my early life.  And yet, today it is different.

Today, some of my very best friends are alcoholics and addicts in recovery.  Some of the people that I trust more than just about anyone in the world are alcoholics and addicts in recovery.  I trust these people with my heart and my soul, and for someone like me that says a lot.  Some of the most beautiful, genuine, spiritual people I know are alcoholics and addicts in recovery.  This group includes incredible women who mentored me through challenges that I never thought I could survive, much less heal from.  They've given me gifts beyond my wildest dreams: not material items, but things like hope and genuine friendship that I never knew I was missing.  I look up to them.  They show me the type of person I want to be some day.

When I look at these people now, it's easy to forget that they were once the subject of their loved ones' angry rants.  They were once the selfish, self-absorbed people causing nothing but pain in their wake.  I've heard their stories.  I know it's the truth.  But yet today the beauty I see from them is almost indescribable.  And it has nothing to do with exterior looks.  As cliche as it may sound, these are people whose inner beauty shines so brightly it's almost too blinding to notice their physical appearance, good or bad.  I know their stories, but I don't see their stories.  I see the most accepting group of people a person could ever encounter.  They will literally take you in off the streets and love you and support you no matter how broken you might be.  It doesn't matter what you look like, what clothes you wear, what kind of job you have (or don't have!), the walls you may have built around yourself, or anything else.  They see the person inside, and if you keep showing up they'll keep being there for you.  No matter what.  Of course it's not perfect.  There's still issues and there's still a lot of underlying craziness. But it's still beautiful.

Of course the key words in the difference between the two are "in recovery".  Going through recovery for substance abuse, when it's genuine recovery, changes a person.  You see, an incredible thing happens.  Well, I can only speak of what I know of AA recovery, but this is what I've seen.  You walk in the door empty, broken down, and desperate.  People who you've never met before offer you all the help you could want, expecting nothing in return.  They give you their phone numbers and tell you to call any time, especially if you're thinking about drinking or using.  They offer to sponsor you...mentor you on a day to day basis.  They're there at meetings to talk with you and really hear you.  And it's all because they get it.  They've been there.  They came in the door empty, broken down, and desperate, and total strangers were there for them.  The only expectation they have of you is that when you're well enough, you turn around and give that very same help to the next empty, broken down, desperate person that walks through the door.  And the best part is, there's no magic amount of time before you can help someone.  Everyone can help everyone else.  It's just an amazing community.  And it's not just at meetings either.  There's entire social groups of sober people.  I play in a recovery based softball league.  Every person on every team in this very large league is in recovery.  People come from all walks of life.  You get to the field and sometimes you talk about recovery, but mostly it's just like hanging out with any other group of friends.  Except you know that these particular friends have your back in a way that the rest of the world likely wouldn't understand.  Because they get it.  They've been in the same trenches you may be stuck in or trying to climb out of.  Yes there's some egos and some tempers at some of these games, maybe a bit moreso than regular softball leagues....But I could also walk up to just about anyone on any team and get a hug and get support if I needed it; because even if they haven't met me, they know me.  All because of the part of me that a big chunk of society wants to reject, they embrace me.  And I would do the same for them...because we know that at the end of the day there's a lot that's a lot more important than softball.  Heck, beyond the good game shake hands stuff after games we all come together in the middle of the field, put our arms around each other, and say a prayer.  (Which I thought was horribly embarrassing at first, but that's beside the point...lol).  Everyone comes together and congratulates each other.

There's a man that I've come to know who is one of the most kind-hearted, down to earth people you could meet.  It's hard to find anything not to like about him.  He started an organization similar to this softball league that won some pretty major awards for its success as a social program.  I've never heard anyone say anything bad about this man, except for hundreds of internet commenters on the site announcing his awards.  The comments were awful...all about how can you reward someone for doing drugs, and why don't they look for "real" winners, not some stupid drug addict hanging out with other drug addicts like him.  Again I get why people don't look fondly on addicts.  I grew up with some pretty horrible ones.  But it's easy to forget when I'm around people like this man...and I was shocked to read these comments.  I never thought of what he did as anything but amazing.  I was shocked to see that so many others clearly didn't see it that way.

The point in all of this is just that...how the same phrases...addict...alcoholic...can bring up such hugely different images in my mind.  I wish the frustrated, angry people I know could spend some time with my mentors and the people I am so lucky to get to spend most of my time with.  I get why they're angry.  They have every right to be angry.  But I want them to see that it's possible to change...and that we're not bad people.  We're sick people.  We have the horrible disease of addiction and it truly is a monster.  This monster can move us from beautiful to horrible in the blink of an eye.  But even when the monster overtakes us, we're still good people inside.

I'm not proud of my addiction history.  I wish I'd never taken that first drink...never done that first drug...but I am so so grateful for the life I've found today.  I wouldn't trade my amazing friends, my support system, and the tools for living that I have now for anything.  I wish those with so much anger and even hatred towards addicts could live in my world for a bit.  I know it wouldn't take away the pain being caused by their loved one, but maybe it would give them hope.  I know that when people see me out at work with my kids, or just out having a good time, they would never suspect that that's a part of my history (I've had some really interesting comments made in front of me that prove people have no idea!).  Sometimes I want to tell them, solely to rock their world a bit and change their perspective.  Because really, isn't everything in life about perspective?  Mostly I just hope that some day I can be the one giving hope to someone else.  And in fact, I know in some places I already have.  I've come from the darkness and found happiness.  I remember mentioning to someone about being locked in the psych hospital and she was so sure I was joking she just refused to believe I was serious.  I didn't even get in to the fact that it was a repeat occurrence back then! lol  I love that that is the type of person I'm becoming.

Long story long...I need to remember that there's still a lot of reasons for people to be angry at addicts and alcoholics, but I'd love for them to see what amazing people we can be as well.

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Tonight I'm grateful that even though I'm on my 3rd night of barely sleeping and flashbacks, I am sitting here writing about hope, healing, and happiness.  I just love my life and my recovery so, so much!