Friend

How would you define friend?  The dictionary says:

friend |frend|

noun

a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

There are other definitions too, but that is the main one. (Fun fact, it is also included in the dictionary now as a verb....to friend someone on facebook). I've been having to do a lot of soul searching lately on what it means to be a friend.  I don't want to go into detail on it, but a close friend of mine for nearly 2 years suddenly decided to walk out on our friendship recently.  She didn't tell me anything, except that she "wanted a break".  The only insight I got into her thoughts was what she was saying to other people.  Unfortunately she's been spreading a lot of ugly stuff about me.  It's so out there that everyone knows it's her issue, not something I did, but still the longer I sit with it the more it hurts.  It's making me question everything.  I considered her a best friend....someone who I would always care about no matter what.  I thought we'd gotten past all the early relationship crap.  I thought we had the type of friendship where even if one of us had a bad day we didn't have to worry because we knew the other wouldn't hold it against us.  Well, I had a couple of bad days and she left.

I don't know if I'll ever be friends with this girl again.  I wrote her a long letter about wanting to work things out, but the longer this goes I'm not so sure.  A mutual friend keeps asking me if we've "worked things out yet".  But truthfully I don't know if it can be worked out...at least not without some huge changes.  This is not something that a quick talk is going to fix for me.  She really hurt me and doesn't seem to get it.  She keeps telling me that she's working on her issues before she can handle being a friend again.  She says it like she's doing it for me....like it's some great, kind action for her to take.  She doesn't seem to register that it effects me.  (Not to mention she says she wants to talk and then goes instantly into attack mode about whatever I say).  It's not a relationship I want to get back in to without some serious indications that she's changed.  Yes I will always care about her, and I'll support her as much as I can, but I don't see wanting to let my heart be a part of that again.

We did have a lot of fun together though.  I really, genuinely enjoyed her company.  And now that the dust is settling, I'm realizing she was kind of my only friend.  At least that's the way it seems.  But I'm not sure.  That's why I wanted to look up the definition.

I have a lot of people who genuinely care about me.  I believe with all my heart that they care.  I used to be very, very alone, but I'm not anymore.  I truly believe that I could go to any one of this pretty long list of people with a matter of the heart and they would be there for me.  I would trust them with my secrets, and they would get me and support me.  And that is a beautiful thing.

But does that qualify as a friendship?  The thing is, most of them are substantially older than me.  That's the nature of AA.  Most alkies were just ramping up their drinking career at my age...but what can I say, I was a prodigy!  I don't think that age alone determines a friendship, but now that I don't have my "attached at the hip" friend anymore I'm starting to wonder if these other people take me seriously as a friend.  I know they support me, and I know they care....but I think they see me more like a little sister than a friend.  One of the expectations of AA is that you get support when you walk in...for free...no strings attached.  In return, you offer the same to others.  It's how the group continues to run and how people all over the world are able to stay sober.  But I'm beginning to wonder if that takes away from the friendship.  In some ways I feel so close to them, but at the same time I have to wonder if they'd even give the time of day if it weren't for AA.  I've been trying to reach out to others I know....trying to build up friendships with people I didn't do a great job reaching out to because I was always with this other girl.  But none of them have called me back.  I've put a lot of effort into it, and have had the ever silent phone in return.

Those that know me even a little know I have abandonment issues....so reaching out to people and putting myself out there is really, really hard.  I've always preferred to just do things alone, though in these last few years, in getting sober, I've been trying to trust people enough to have relationships.  I guess if all it takes to be a friend is to have a bond of mutual affection then I have that.  But if it's someone to go to the movies with I don't seem to have that at all.  

I've described my AA people as my family and I do see them that way.  I mean I guess there's nothing wrong with being seen as the little sister.  There's worse things in the world than having a giant group of big sisters to take care of me and protect me.  I know I should be grateful for that closeness and support...and really I am...but I feel like something's missing.  I don't know how to explain it...but I'm starting to wonder if "AA friend" is some sort of caveat that's different from regular friend.  At first I thought it meant a deeper connection, and in some ways it does.  We've shared things with each other that we wouldn't share with most of the rest of the world.  But it also seems to mean "only a friend at meetings or AA related functions."  At least that's the way it seems to me.  Logically I know that people get busy with stuff, and I've had way too much extra time on my hands lately since I'm still unemployed....so I have way too much time to think about it all...but still I have to admit I'm hurt by this.  I'm not seeing the friendship that I was hoping for.  How can a person have so many friends, and yet no friends?  

(PS Just to clarify...I don't mean anything negative towards the true friends I know I do have...some of whom might be reading this...but I'm referring just to local, face to face people here).

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I'm grateful for my AA family.  I really am.  And if I had to pick, I would take being the well cared for little sister any day over having someone to go to the movies with.