Update

Things are crazy right now.

I'm not having the pain issues like I was when I wrote before.  I've still been sleeping a ton, and when awake still having panic attacks.  It's now the middle of the night and I'm suddenly wide awake and can't lay down because I'm panicky.  Oh the joys.  I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow (or maybe it's today...).  Work and homework and phone calls and etc.  I guess it's a catch 22 of the more I try to do the more I stress myself out, and then I can't relax so I can't sleep which causes me to sleep more later.  Or something.  Does that even make sense? lol

Something nice did happen today though.  I was scheduled to meet with my new sponsor.  First she scared the shit outta me cus she called me in the morning asking if we were still going to meet.  I thought I'd gotten the time wrong or something and I was already supposed to be there.  Thankfully no...and I said I didn't feel up to going, which I'd been planning to call her to say anyway.  She asked if I wanted her to come here, and I said sure if she wanted.  I was surprised with former sponsor, after we had our falling out she said on the day I didn't want to see her that I should've told her that or that I couldn't make it and she would've come to me.  Of course she never offered at the time that she would come over.  But anyway...

New sponsor came over, which was interesting in itself because sleeping all the time doesn't generally lend itself to keeping a place clean and guest-ready.  I guess that did put a little energy in me cus I got up and cleaned at least enough to make it not disgusting looking (think dirty clothes scattered on the floor, fast food trash by the couch cus I was generally awake only long enough to eat and then I'd fall asleep again...that kind of thing).  Anyway, she came over and brought a whole bag of food, which I thought was super sweet of her.  Yesterday I'd actually been wanting to go to the grocery store but didn't make it cus I had a crazy huge panic attack.  So I really did need food, but I hadn't mentined that to her at all.  I just thought that was really cool and insightful of her.  Also I always say that the quickest way to my heart is through my stomach!

It was really nice to talk with her cus she was just understanding and reassured me that I was doing well and that it was going to be ok.  I do feel like overall I'm handling this pretty well by not falling apart, but it's still scary and overwhelming.  It's nice to hear from someone with a lot more experience than I've got saying I'm handling it well.  I'm not sure if things are going to work out long-term with new sponsor as my sponsor for reasons I'm too tired to get in to right now, but she is an incredible woman that I'm so very glad to have as a friend.

Oh, and she totally offered to lie for me and let me use her address to get my insurance.  She lives in the county I used to live in so it would work.  She of course wants me to exhaust the other options first, but I just thought it was cool and rather ironic that the person who is supposed to be helping me learn to live honestly is also somewhat offering to lie for me.  We both agreed that when it comes to certain types of beaurocratic (however ya spell that) bullshit like this ya sometimes just have to do what ya gotta do to make it work.  She understands that I've been doing everything I possibly can to make this work, and it seems kinda ridiculous for me to be going through all this when there's such a simple solution to fix it.

Anyway that's all for now...watch just beeped 4am so I guess I need to make another attempt at sleep before I'm totally brain dead tomorrow.  That or maybe I'll get up and eat something which might help the panic go away.  <Sigh>  So so ready to be done with this!  (But how am I going to make all my phone calls when i'm so freakin tired?)  Harumph!