Politics

I am so fucking SICK of politics!  But not for the reasons you might think.  Sure the ads annoy me, and I'm tired of hearing who approves which message, but there's a much bigger issue in it for me right now.

I am so, so, sick of people talking about "personal responsibility" or "government handouts" or whatever else.  It seems like everywhere I turn there's stories of how people are expecting the government to do things for them because they're lazy and don't want to work...and then there's the stories of Johnny in Somerandomplace who lost his job but he started his own business so he could still make it on his own....and Betty in Someotherrandomplace who works 60+ hours/week at whatever odd job she can get to support herself and her 4 children...still finding time to meet the school bus after school, help the kids with their homework, and take online classes.  Even my own friends on facebook are getting in to it.  I had one friend recently go on a rant about how no one would be living "paycheck to paycheck" if they knew how to manage their money.  She said it was just a matter of making good decisions and not wasting money on things.  Now, this is a friend who I know for a fact at nearly 30 years old is only just starting to become financially independent from her (and her husband's) parents even though she is married and has a kid.  But yet she's going off about all of her knowledge of financial success?!  I tried to point out, tactfully, that maybe it was different for her because she'd started off with quite a bit of support.  One of her friends acknowledged what I was saying but person after person jumped in with a story about either themselves or a friend or "someone they know" who had started from nothing but done all this great stuff and worked hard and went to school and yada yada and now everything is hunky dory.

Here's the thing.  If you're one of those that has "picked yourself up by your bootstraps" and made something out of nothing, I'm happy for you.  Really, I am.  That's a great accomplishment and you deserve recognition.  And really, my issue has nothing to do with any government programs.  I have no desire to debate the specifics of any social programs here.

But it's been a hard fucking year for me.  I'm working my ass off and I feel like I'm going nowhere.  I want to get through school.  I badly want to get this degree because getting it will open up opportunities for the work I really want to do in the future...helping kids who have been through the kind of stuff I have...not just a job to make enough money to get by.  Though I enjoy intellectual type stuff, due to mental health issues school as a whole doesn't come easy to me.  Just focusing long enough to get through a class is exhausting and draining for me.  I've seen improvements in this area...I (most of the time) don't have to pick specific seats in specific areas of the room to avoid getting triggered into panic attacks...and when I do it's at least a wider range to choose from.  And I'm actually learning more in class now because I'm spending less time dealing with distractions and other internal issues.  But still, class is exhausting and homework, though I do well on it because it's important to me, takes MUCH longer for me than it does others.  The same paper will take me many hours more than it does most of my classmates.  Add work to that, even though it's often just a few hours/week right now, then meetings on top of that, then work experience (volunteer) that I'm required to do for one of my classes, and frankly it's exhausting.  I've been trying to take on more work hours because I need the money, but it's killing me.  I'm having panic attacks because i'm so exhausted.  I'm stretched too thin and I know it. I'm trying to do everything and doing nothing well.  I'm still WAY behind on school from when I was off my meds (though thankfully I skipped work today and was able to do a lot of catching up).  Even though my meds are (for now) right again, many days spent sleeping or too sick to do anything doesn't bode well for taking 4 college classes.  Hell it'd be bad even for just 1 class...and it happened right before all my big midterm papers were due.

Anyway, enough whining...my point is, I AM working hard and I'm NOT lazy.  I'm really not.  But every time I hear one of those damn ads, or speeches, or rants, or whatever, I start to question myself.  Maybe I am.  Maybe I could be working harder...doing better.  Maybe there is something wrong with me that I can't handle what I'm "supposed" to be able to.  Maybe I just need to work harder and do better.  I don't have any kids to take care of and I can still barely take care of my own apartment.  Most people my age are parents now, raising families, etc. etc.  I want to be able to do more.  But I feel so exhausted all the time.  I don't know how to give any more than I already am.  And then I have to go stand in 1 hr + lines in hopes of getting my meds that I am entirely useless without....being herded around like sheep because we're poor so what do they care (I love my pharmacy btw...great ppl there...it's just the overall feel of the place)...and THEN to have to hear over and over and over again everywhere I turn that apparently I'm lazy, that I think I'm a victim, or that I don't take personal responsibility for my own life.  It's hard enough for me to get through day to day without now feeling shitty because I can't do more.  Logically I believe we have our limits and right now mine are going to school and working part time.  But emotionally that keeps getting harder and harder for me to accept the more I have to listen to all this political crap.  And it's not just one side...both sides are going on and on about this something from nothing crap.  Again good for everyone who has done that.  Yay.  Moving on.  Though I will say that some of those ppl that talk about folks like me as being lazy and unwilling to take responsibility for myself....I would like to extend an invitation to live my life for a bit and see how it goes.  See what they think then.

Oh and on that whole 47% thing...since we've all heard the quote by now....here's what kills me about it.  He says:

All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. 

Is it really that horrid for a person to believe they are entitled to food, housing, and healthcare?  Am I way off in thinking that those are kinda basic rights.  And I do agree that there's quite a bit of victimhood that goes on in this country...I know I've written about how much of a struggle I've had with that.  I don't think it's the core issue of people looking for help, but it definitely exists.  Anyway I'm still stumped that a person thinking they're entitled to their basic needs to stay alive is somehow outrageous.  I don't hate the quote as much as some...I get what he's saying.  It's just the end that really gets to me:

I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.

And we're back to the same crap...because I'm struggling I'm not taking personal responsibility or care for my life.  If that were the case I wouldn't have 10 months of sobriety.  I could still be sitting on my ass drinking every night, dropped out of school, etc. etc.  that would be a lack of personal responsibility.  I'm getting healthy and taking care of myself, and in my mind that counts for something.  Unfortunately, no one will pay me for it.

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I'm grateful that I've been sober for 10 months and that I still am, even though some bad thoughts of drinking and such have been sneaking up on me in the midst of all of this.  It's hard to keep pushing forward when things seem so steeply uphill, but I'm grateful for people who are supportive and especially for the really good friends who will sit with me while I panic and assure me that I'm not a failure and that I am doing ok.  Thank you wonderful friend you know who you are. :)