It just isn't right

I've worked fucking hard to get to where I am.  And now I'm watching it all disappear before me, all because of money.  I can't afford my meds.  I got the insurance that was supposed to help, but now, after weeks of fighting with them, I find out they won't accept scripts written by my dr.  Only one of their drs and I don't want to switch.  And even if I did, I'd have to get on a waiting list and go through all their crap.  Who knows when I'd be able to see anyone.

I thought I was doing ok without them.  I seemed to be getting into a rhythm, as it's been a little over a week now.  But in the last couple days it's just been getting worse.  I'm so so tired.  I've been praying to not be such an insomniac but this is not what I meant.

Yesterday I went out to an event in the morning.  I was so tired from it that I came home and took a 3 hour nap.  Even after that I was barely able to stay awake and focus to study for my test.

Well today I was too tired to even get up to take the test.  Part of the problem was that I had horrible nightmares last night.  I dreamt of being back with the ppl who hurt me.  In the dream it was after things had happened and I was trying to make my way upstairs but my whole body hurt so bad I could barely move.  I tried to will my body to go but it wouldn't.  I woke up simultaneously sobbing in pain and feeling like I was going to puke.  It felt like everything hurt but at the same time I couldn't explain exactly what hurt.  I have a very high pain tolerance and yet this was unbearable.  Finally after enough pain meds (don't worry, I asked a friend what I could take to make sure I didn't OD) and some panic meds that I thankfully still have left, I was able to settle myself down.  Once settled I lay down on the couch and managed to sleep through my entire test.  I was so so deep asleep that I kept briefly waking up wondering where I was and then falling back to sleep again.  I slept all day which meant missing my test, standing up this guy that has been incredibly nice to me and that I had promised I'd help, missing my meeting that I probably really needed, and missing my hockey game that I was really, really excited about.  I managed to be awake long enough to shower and eat but that's about it.

This is so horribly not fair.  I've worked way too hard to watch my life disappear in front of me like this.

When I am awake I switch between horrible pain and anxiety attacks and feeling like i'm going to die.  The pain is still this weird, inexplicable hurts everywhere and yet nowhere thing.  It's like my whole body is just unbelievably uncomfortable.  and it's starting now so i need to go back to laying down and see if I can sleep for real (not just dozing on the couch).  I do have one thing to be grateful for.  This is showing me that I do in fact want to live because i'm not feeling like giving up and i'm not wanting to quit.  I'm just so fucking angry because this is taking away the life that i've built.  But in a sense that's good because it's showing me how badly I want that life.

I don't want to get political on here but I just gotta say...if you're one of those people against health care for all, please, please give it a second thought.  Call me selfish, but a person should not have to be in this much pain solely because of money (or lack thereof)!  I'm working my ass off, I just don't have money right now because I'm in school, so I can't work full time.  I'm definitely not lazy or being a victim or refusing to take personal responsibility or any of that other shit.