Tough

I'd planned to be in bed hours ago but the whole sleep thing isn't working out right now.  So yeah.  Might as well tell the story of my day.

I went to see a new doctor today and boy was it tough.  I didn't really understand going in what the appointment was going to be, but they told me it would be someone to talk to about getting my meds transferred over ASAP.  I pictured going to talk to someone in an office to discuss the issue.  Yeah not so much.

I almost missed the appointment because my anxiety is so high it's hard to leave the house.  But thankfully they let me in (I have a really good desperate/panic face goin' on right now! lol).  They gave me some initial paperwork to fill out, which turned out to be a whole freakin book.  They asked a ton of questions.  Like always, I had to guess at my family history.  I know a little of it but not a lot.  Then they asked a bunch of mental health questions, which I tried to be honest about so they could see that I really need my meds.  They even asked if I had experienced sexual abuse and when.  Sheesh.  (They also asked if there was a history w/in my family members of abuse, which I found to be an interesting question.  I said no, which is a lie, but I didn't really think it matters.

There were a ton of questions then about sexual partners, but after the top couple I decided not to read and marked no to everything.  They were too hard for me to read and think on, and they were all under the heading of AIDS risk, and I've been tested for HIV so I'm not concerned.  There were some other tough questions too but they're not coming to mind right now.  It took a really, really long time to fill it all out though.  The fun part was that I got to be totally honest about all the drug and alcohol questions. That's a first for me.  I used to always have to lie on all the questions about if you drink and how much and all that.

After finishing my paperwork this guy w/a very, very heavy Spanish accent called me back.  I wish I could tell my real name on here (very simple to pronounce) just to show how badly he butchered it.  I didn't recognize my name and wouldn't have known it was me except that there was only one other person in the waiting room who didn't seem to be moving.  This guy did my vitals and was clearly knew.  He wasn't rough exactly, but he wasn't gentle.  I got through that ok but then he left me to wait for the dr.  As some of you know already, I despise everything medical.  Some of my abuse was done under the guise of medicine.  Then being restrained the last time I was in the hospital has made the terror that much worse.  I should've brought more options of stuff to do, because my anxiety is so bad already and I had to wait a long time for the dr.  I did study for my Spanish test.  I figure if I can get through all my flashcards while shaking and freaking out I must have 'em down pretty well! lol  I got too shaky to practice them anymore though so I ended up curled up in a corner and considering leaving.

The doctor finally came in and she was this tiny little thing and so, so sweet.  When I told her why she was there she was so apologetic and commiserated with me on the ridiculousness of this insurance stuff.    She also thanked me profusely for bringing all my medication bottles and as much documentation as I could.  I figured that was common sense but maybe not.  I can't imagine she would've written the prescriptions w/out that.

She asked some more history questions, but was so sweet about it that I was able to get through it.  Early on she said, "So I saw you were sexually abused as a child.  Is that what these issues are from?"  Shit.  I nodded.  I may have eeked out a "yeah."  It's still so hard to hear that said out loud...especially from a stranger.  I've gotten better at talking about it in some places, but yeah.  She said, "Oh I'm so sorry, no one should have to go through that."  I didn't really know how to reply so I didn't say anything.  She went on to say she'd spent a bit of time in pediatric psych but couldn't do it because so many of the issues came from adults who had hurt kids and it made her violent.  It sorta made me giggle inside to see this sweet and itty bitty little woman talking about getting violent.  I told her that that's what I want to do...that I could never be a case worker because I couldn't face the parents, but I want to work w/hurt kids and have the passion for it.

Then she asked about my suicide attempt and hospitalization and wanted to know details about it.  I realized after a bit that she was asking to know if I still held on to any of those thoughts.  I told her that that really wasn't an issue anymore though I was honest with the fact that I was really, really struggling right now.  (I wanted to make sure that getting the meds NOW was non-negotiable).  She said, "Wow, so all your issues really are from the system right now aren't they?"  YES!  So nice to be validated about this ridiculous situation and how wrong it is from someone in the system.  More of these people need to realize the damage they're risking.  Thankfully I have a good support system now but this has really rocked me and in all honesty has pushed some of the suicidal thoughts back.  Someone in not such a good place could've been really, really seriously damaged....a lot more than just missing some classes and homework assignments.  (And pissing off a few friends that I let down).  Anyway, I got a chance to brag a bit about taking better care of myself and the fact that I'm 9 months sober now.  (Actually 9.5 months.  Yay).

So after 2 hours of this stuff the scripts finally got written.  Of course it was well into the evening so the pharmacy was closed, but at least this step is taken care of.  The scary news is that apparently the co-pay amount (which already felt a little high to me) is incorrect and it's actually going to be more.  So it's not guaranteed yet, but I'm at least a step closer.

I don't know what the next step is (besides picking up the scripts tomorrow. yay.).  She asked if I would still be able to see my psychiatrist and I said yes but I didn't know how that would work if I can't fill his prescriptions.  She didn't know how it would work either.  And it was at this point that I may have accidentally called her not a real doctor.  I rephrased right away but we both got a kick out of it.  (She was talking about how she wouldn't normally prescribe the meds I was asking for, and I said "well I have a real doctor!").

I wish she could be my long-term dr. but I guess that's not possible.  Probably for the better cus the place I had to go to was really far away...but it's rare that I actually like a doctor.  I have an appt. on 11/1 which I guess is to get officially established as a patient.  Honestly by the time she was explaining all of this to me I really didn't have the energy left to care.  I just said ok, whatever.  I was so so so so so so so so so ready to get out of that damn room and get home!  I went and got some comfort food (aka cheeseburger) and went home to watch Joe Biden beat the crap out of Paul Ryan.  Fun times.

Oh and through all of this my heart rate was "only" 88.  ;)  I'm sure it would've been a hell of a lot higher after all the time waiting for the dr though!  I was shaking so bad I could barely move by the time she came in.  And I must've stiffened up when she tried to listen to my heart/lungs bc she apologized for touching me.  And she kept telling me to take a deep breath.  I'm trying, woman! lol

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I'm grateful that all that's over with and I got through it, even by myself.  My sponsor had offered to go with me, which was super nice of her and I badly wished she was there, but at the time she offered I really thought it was going to be just talking to someone in an office.  It's probably for the best that she wasn't there though, I would've felt really bad to ask anyone to sit around w/me for that long!  Anyway, I'll be even more grateful tomorrow when (hopefully) i'll have the meds in hand.  Just can't believe it for sure though, as every time I've thought it's figured out something else goes wrong.