Not much going on here...but I'm trying to get back in to the habit of writing regularly. Also, when there's less going on it's easier to find time to write. :)
This morning was frustrating. I slept in, and slept through my alarm, so I had to miss my workout. Sleep and waking up is a big debate thing for me right now. I know that one of the things that's supposed to help with insomnia is to wake up at the same time every morning. That actually did work for me for a while, but if I'm too tired I won't wake up to an alarm. (This morning wasn't even all that early and I still didn't wake up to it). The other piece to it for me is lately my body has just felt really worn out and run down. At some point, I need to sleep. Unfortunately my body doesn't react the way you'd think to not sleeping much. If I sleep very little (like just a few hours) one night, it's even harder to get to sleep the next night. Unless I sleep all day or something, it often seems easier to get to sleep when I'm well rested. I guess it works that way for babies, so maybe it makes sense that it works that way for me too? I don't know...I used to be more "normal" about it and if I hadn't slept much the previous night I would fall asleep early and sleep well that night. But yeah...anyway...back to today.
I was really bummed to miss going to the gym. I probably should've gone for a walk or something but I didn't think of that. Instead I stayed home and watched football, which turned out to be pretty fun since both of the teams I was cheering for won. Yay! While I was watching football I did A LOT of cleaning. I'm in the midst of a major cleaning project right now. I always feel like I don't have time to clean or be organized because I'm too busy with school, so I figured while I'm still on break I should clean. I'm also realizing that I really want to become more of a "grown-up" in my life. I want to get out of the child searching for help from mommy mode, and embrace the mentality of the adult that I actually am. I realized that my apartment doesn't look at all like a grown-up lives here. Frankly, it looks like the grown-ups left town and left the kids home alone just a bit too long! My goal now is to have a place that looks a bit more put together, that I won't be embarrassed of if people come over (even though the only people that would be coming over are my good friends that I know I don't need to impress), and that will help me on my quest to grown-uphood. I know for me I need to put myself in an environment that feels like where I want to be, because often, especially when I'm struggling, I will act based on how my environment feels. If my surroundings are chaotic, I'll feel chaotic and probably won't accomplish much. This also gives me a project to work on even when I get lazy/panicky/anxious/whatever and don't want to leave my house, so I can't get out of doing stuff! haha
So I cleaned, a lot, and slowly things are coming together. I actually even vacuumed my closet today! I've never done that! lol Usually there's so many piles of crap in there you don't see the floor. But now everything's in labeled boxes with other stuff like it, and I can actually find things. Oooooh. Yay progress! And now I get to feel accomplished, which is helpful since I've felt like I can't manage much lately. This week is my last week before school starts...and it really really needs to be productive (beyond just cleaning). So here's hoping I can start the week off well tomorrow, and carry this momentum forward. If you're the praying type and would want to say a prayer in that direction I would really appreciate it. Thanks!
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I'm grateful for football. It made me happy today. :) I'm also grateful for a gift card for the burger place by my house that a friend sent me for Christmas. I realized I was hungry and had no food, so I was able to run out for a burger at half time of the 2nd game. (Hopefully soon I'll have a job so I won't rely so heavily on gift cards...that's another something that the praying types out there could maybe help me with...or just send positive job-getting thoughts my way or something...)
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Sabotage
I need to be honest here. Today was a bad day. Really bad. Unfortunately most of my bad days these days are self created. My life is pretty good...why do I go out of my way to feel pain?
Here's the quick version of what happened. I'm off my meds right now because I forgot to fill my prescriptions. My sponsor thinks even that part was sabotage. I don't know. It might have been. I'm realizing one of my big fears right now is of success, and I've been doing a lot of stuff counter to what I should. Also for a while there it was looking like I was going to be able to reduce med doses and now it's looking like if anything I'll have to increase. Very frustrating to me. But I think the biggest issue for meds is that my pharmacy is on campus, and campus isn't convenient to anything. It's great for when I'm in school, but right now I'm still on break. I had planned to go earlier in the week, and genuinely forgot. As the week went on and I was actually out of meds, it got that much harder to get unstuck. I've had a lot of fear going on this week related to all the transitions going on in my life...finishing school, looking for work, etc. that I've really just felt like hiding out a lot.
Anyway, the point is, I'm not on most of my meds, which may or may not be the cause of my craziness. I know at least some of it is in my head, because I felt ok yesterday until I realized that i'd messed up the pharmacy hours and wouldn't be able to get the meds. It was then that I started feeling super yucky. But today I felt genuinely just bad...groggy and exhausted. That's something meds would help with. I gave in to my exhaustion and laid around for a long time in the morning. I work every saturday (for now my only day of work), and I have to leave early in the morning to get there. Well, I laid around until I was too late to go. Then I decided to try but got stuck in traffic and realized there was no way I was going to make it to work on time. At this point I was really pissed because even though I'd been dragging my feet and not wanting to go, once I got going I realized that it really was important to me to make it to work...not just for the money but also because I have an emotional connection to the work I'm doing right now and it's important to me.
I'd been considering calling in sick ever since last night, but once I finally did it I was in an odd situation because I was already on the road. It hit me that I was in the kind of situation that I used to try to purposely create for myself. Work thought I was home sick. Friends thought I was at work. I had a free day with no accountability. And yes my thoughts went to getting drunk. I don't know why, except that I'm an alcoholic. I don't know why i'm feeling so yucky so often lately. The meds might be part of it but there's just a lot going on in my head right now. I badly wanted to sneak off to the liquor store and kept thinking how no one would know. It was a really ugly and scary place for my head to be. I used to have to call a friend to get me to work so that I would actually go rather than go to the liquor store instead.
I did the right thing and I called my sponsor. Unfortunately I was in a bad reception spot so we couldn't really talk, but at least I had the chance to say out loud what was going on and what I was thinking. On the drive home I realized that my god spot (place in the mountains where I feel most spiritual) was on the way. So I stopped and spent some time talking to my higher power. It was nice because it super windy, so I could talk (and even scream) out loud without being heard by anyone else. Not to mention there weren't many people out there due to the wind, though I was surprised to still see some hikers! Anyway, from there I went home and realized I really was feeling sick. I was having trouble staying in my lane on the highway because I felt so groggy. By the time I got home I just wanted to lay down, and that's what I've done for most of the day. Mostly I just felt tired but couldn't sleep, but I did finally sleep a bit and started feeling much better afterwards.
I don't know if this is mental from trying to convince myself I was sick to feel less guilty about missing work...or if it's physical related to the meds...or maybe caused from stress. Or maybe I really am sick. I have no idea. But I do know that I'm feeling really really lousy and still have drinking on the brain. I don't know if I would really sabotage myself to that extent but the thought is definitely there. I'm tired of having to struggle so much. I want to go back to the "freedom" of not having to give a shit. I know my life is way better because of all the struggles I've put in, but at least a part of me wishes I could go back to when I didn't care...when I had no drive, no goals, no anything.
I really badly need to get out of this yucky mindset. And fast. I wish I had any idea how. You'd think after two years I'd have a clue.
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I'm not sure what I'm grateful for right now. I guess for my god spot, and for the fact that I can think through things much better than I used to be able to. Misery used to be a 24/7 state for me, and now it's definitely not...so there is still progress there.
Here's the quick version of what happened. I'm off my meds right now because I forgot to fill my prescriptions. My sponsor thinks even that part was sabotage. I don't know. It might have been. I'm realizing one of my big fears right now is of success, and I've been doing a lot of stuff counter to what I should. Also for a while there it was looking like I was going to be able to reduce med doses and now it's looking like if anything I'll have to increase. Very frustrating to me. But I think the biggest issue for meds is that my pharmacy is on campus, and campus isn't convenient to anything. It's great for when I'm in school, but right now I'm still on break. I had planned to go earlier in the week, and genuinely forgot. As the week went on and I was actually out of meds, it got that much harder to get unstuck. I've had a lot of fear going on this week related to all the transitions going on in my life...finishing school, looking for work, etc. that I've really just felt like hiding out a lot.
Anyway, the point is, I'm not on most of my meds, which may or may not be the cause of my craziness. I know at least some of it is in my head, because I felt ok yesterday until I realized that i'd messed up the pharmacy hours and wouldn't be able to get the meds. It was then that I started feeling super yucky. But today I felt genuinely just bad...groggy and exhausted. That's something meds would help with. I gave in to my exhaustion and laid around for a long time in the morning. I work every saturday (for now my only day of work), and I have to leave early in the morning to get there. Well, I laid around until I was too late to go. Then I decided to try but got stuck in traffic and realized there was no way I was going to make it to work on time. At this point I was really pissed because even though I'd been dragging my feet and not wanting to go, once I got going I realized that it really was important to me to make it to work...not just for the money but also because I have an emotional connection to the work I'm doing right now and it's important to me.
I'd been considering calling in sick ever since last night, but once I finally did it I was in an odd situation because I was already on the road. It hit me that I was in the kind of situation that I used to try to purposely create for myself. Work thought I was home sick. Friends thought I was at work. I had a free day with no accountability. And yes my thoughts went to getting drunk. I don't know why, except that I'm an alcoholic. I don't know why i'm feeling so yucky so often lately. The meds might be part of it but there's just a lot going on in my head right now. I badly wanted to sneak off to the liquor store and kept thinking how no one would know. It was a really ugly and scary place for my head to be. I used to have to call a friend to get me to work so that I would actually go rather than go to the liquor store instead.
I did the right thing and I called my sponsor. Unfortunately I was in a bad reception spot so we couldn't really talk, but at least I had the chance to say out loud what was going on and what I was thinking. On the drive home I realized that my god spot (place in the mountains where I feel most spiritual) was on the way. So I stopped and spent some time talking to my higher power. It was nice because it super windy, so I could talk (and even scream) out loud without being heard by anyone else. Not to mention there weren't many people out there due to the wind, though I was surprised to still see some hikers! Anyway, from there I went home and realized I really was feeling sick. I was having trouble staying in my lane on the highway because I felt so groggy. By the time I got home I just wanted to lay down, and that's what I've done for most of the day. Mostly I just felt tired but couldn't sleep, but I did finally sleep a bit and started feeling much better afterwards.
I don't know if this is mental from trying to convince myself I was sick to feel less guilty about missing work...or if it's physical related to the meds...or maybe caused from stress. Or maybe I really am sick. I have no idea. But I do know that I'm feeling really really lousy and still have drinking on the brain. I don't know if I would really sabotage myself to that extent but the thought is definitely there. I'm tired of having to struggle so much. I want to go back to the "freedom" of not having to give a shit. I know my life is way better because of all the struggles I've put in, but at least a part of me wishes I could go back to when I didn't care...when I had no drive, no goals, no anything.
I really badly need to get out of this yucky mindset. And fast. I wish I had any idea how. You'd think after two years I'd have a clue.
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I'm not sure what I'm grateful for right now. I guess for my god spot, and for the fact that I can think through things much better than I used to be able to. Misery used to be a 24/7 state for me, and now it's definitely not...so there is still progress there.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Jaywalking
This is a story from the AA big book:
I have a lot of goals right now. I want to find a job. I want to truly clean up my apartment so it looks like a grown-up lives here, not a kid who's been left home alone too long. I want to start focusing on living my own life, not feeling like a kid still looking for mommy. I want to stop being an insomniac so I can stop being constantly exhausted during the day. I want to lose weight and get healthy. I want to stop being afraid of everything.
I have a lot of great ideas of how to accomplish these goals. I write to-do lists. I make schedules. I make plans to do a little bit each day. I research skills and strategies. I get ideas from others. And I find solutions that work. And I stick to those solutions for all of a day or two. I guess it's reverse addict behavior. Rather than getting stuck on something, I won't give anything a long enough time for it to stick.
Right now it's late, and I should be sleeping. But instead I'm jaywalking. I'm breaking all my own rules. I didn't follow my bedtime routine that I'm trying to do every night to get my mind and body in sleep mode. I have my computer in my bedroom, on my bed with me (electronics and activity in bed are both supposed to be big no-nos). I didn't exercise today. I haven't been following through with waking up at the same time every day to get in to a sleep routine. It's frustrating because I know the right things to do, I just don't do them. But it fits with this story. I know I could feel better, but I don't take the simple actions necessary to do so. Why? I have no idea. I don't know why I was lazy today and didn't go exercise...except that I was tired. Because I didn't go to bed until super late the night before. Because I wasn't tired then. But at some point I have to get out of this cycle and I don't know how. I don't know how to get myself to follow through on even baby steps. I end almost every day frustrated by what I was supposed to do and didn't do. I try to celebrate the little baby steps of progress, but sometimes it's hard to even find those. I'm really good at making plans and splitting things into itty bitty steps, but for some reason I'm not good at following through on those steps. Frustrating.
I think it all comes down to a fear of success, which I'm going to get in to in another post. I'm still really really terrified of doing well in the world. For that reason I sabotage. I convince myself to play computer games rather than take the next step on my path. What sucks the most though? I take away from my own passions. I get so excited about things. But rather than let myself act on the passion I undermine myself. Whether it's a class, a hobby, or anything else...I know it's what I want to do, and I'm excited about it. But then I sit down and do something way less fulfilling instead. Maybe it's a fear of putting my full self in to my passions. Maybe that means that the true fear is one of failure. I really don't know.
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I'm grateful for the support of people locally and around the world via the wonderful interwebs. I'm also grateful for online games and tv. As long as I'm wasting time online, I might as well be having some fun! And now I'm playing quality games and watching (somewhat) quality tv rather than the stupid daytime shit that's on the channels I get!
"Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs."
"On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?"
"You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism or any addiction for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language but isn't it true?"
It was the topic for the meeting I went to tonight. It started as being focused on the insanity we went through while drinking and trying to get sober. But someone mentioned how he can "jaywalk" in any aspect of his life...which changed the focus a bit. This concept really clicked for me. I know how to do better with so many things in my life...but for some reason I continuously go back to the old ways. Anymore, that doesn't mean drinking (or cutting or any of my other old dangerous addictions). But there are so many ways I sabotage my own success for a "thrill" I don't really understand.I have a lot of goals right now. I want to find a job. I want to truly clean up my apartment so it looks like a grown-up lives here, not a kid who's been left home alone too long. I want to start focusing on living my own life, not feeling like a kid still looking for mommy. I want to stop being an insomniac so I can stop being constantly exhausted during the day. I want to lose weight and get healthy. I want to stop being afraid of everything.
I have a lot of great ideas of how to accomplish these goals. I write to-do lists. I make schedules. I make plans to do a little bit each day. I research skills and strategies. I get ideas from others. And I find solutions that work. And I stick to those solutions for all of a day or two. I guess it's reverse addict behavior. Rather than getting stuck on something, I won't give anything a long enough time for it to stick.
Right now it's late, and I should be sleeping. But instead I'm jaywalking. I'm breaking all my own rules. I didn't follow my bedtime routine that I'm trying to do every night to get my mind and body in sleep mode. I have my computer in my bedroom, on my bed with me (electronics and activity in bed are both supposed to be big no-nos). I didn't exercise today. I haven't been following through with waking up at the same time every day to get in to a sleep routine. It's frustrating because I know the right things to do, I just don't do them. But it fits with this story. I know I could feel better, but I don't take the simple actions necessary to do so. Why? I have no idea. I don't know why I was lazy today and didn't go exercise...except that I was tired. Because I didn't go to bed until super late the night before. Because I wasn't tired then. But at some point I have to get out of this cycle and I don't know how. I don't know how to get myself to follow through on even baby steps. I end almost every day frustrated by what I was supposed to do and didn't do. I try to celebrate the little baby steps of progress, but sometimes it's hard to even find those. I'm really good at making plans and splitting things into itty bitty steps, but for some reason I'm not good at following through on those steps. Frustrating.
I think it all comes down to a fear of success, which I'm going to get in to in another post. I'm still really really terrified of doing well in the world. For that reason I sabotage. I convince myself to play computer games rather than take the next step on my path. What sucks the most though? I take away from my own passions. I get so excited about things. But rather than let myself act on the passion I undermine myself. Whether it's a class, a hobby, or anything else...I know it's what I want to do, and I'm excited about it. But then I sit down and do something way less fulfilling instead. Maybe it's a fear of putting my full self in to my passions. Maybe that means that the true fear is one of failure. I really don't know.
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I'm grateful for the support of people locally and around the world via the wonderful interwebs. I'm also grateful for online games and tv. As long as I'm wasting time online, I might as well be having some fun! And now I'm playing quality games and watching (somewhat) quality tv rather than the stupid daytime shit that's on the channels I get!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Power
The first step of AA says:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
My life being unmanageable was easy for me from the moment I walked in the door. Having just come out of a psych hospital for trying to kill myself made that abundantly clear! I was not managing my life nor did I have any idea how to. But the powerless thing was a different issue all together, and it's a sticking point for many people in recovery or looking to get sober. Since those early days I've had some pretty powerful (no pun intended ;) ) revelations about the whole idea.
I grew up absolutely, 100% powerless. People took away my power. Most kids are powerless to some level because they rely on adults to take care of them and meet their needs for them. But my powerlessness was taken to additional levels. I remember being held down by groups of adult men so I could be hurt. That is true powerlessness when you can't move any part of your body...when you know pain is coming and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Worse, my mind was being taken over by them. Every part of my life was controlled by them...whether I got to eat, how much I got to eat, if I was allowed outside that day, who I could talk to, what I could say, etc. etc. They took all my power away to think for myself and do for myself. I could only do what fit in to their plans and their desires.
It's important to me as an adult to know I have power. When I would have flashbacks to those horrible nights as a child, I would have to remind myself again and again that I am an adult now. I am big now and they can't hurt me. I have the power to do things like run away, call the police, stay away from them, etc. I have the power to choose who I spend time with and make decisions for my own life. I never want to go back to being powerless. The last thing I want is to be powerless over a substance!
When I heard people at meetings talking about powerlessness and surrender I thought, "You've got to be kidding!" I'd worked my whole life to show how tough I was, and damnit I was tough. I am tough. But yet I'd stopped being able to function long ago. Life had brought me to my knees. Before going in to the hospital I would make it to work, but just barely. I rarely felt good enough to eat in the morning, so I'd just stagger my way to work. I felt decently good at work so I'd usually manage to eat lunch, my one meal of the day. As soon as I left work that all-consuming loneliness and misery came back. It was like I changed in to a whole new person on that drive home. At work I could pull out that energy from somewhere or another. I worked with kids and really did like my job, so I wanted to fully be there for them and with them. I'm not sure I should say it was even keeping up a front, it was just letting that part of me come out. But that part was only out when others were around. It was like I morphed on the drive home. Slowly as the miles ticked off I changed from my work self to this ugly, empty, skeleton of a self. No matter what I'd planned to do after work, by the time I got home I could barely drag myself to my bed. If I were lucky I'd get a shower in before pulling out a bottle of something or other and drinking until I passed out...often mixed with a handful of sleeping pills or other such "fun." I rarely managed to eat dinner.
Nothing about that is how a "normal" person lives. Really, it's a miracle I managed to survive it and keep my job! Maybe I didn't want to be powerless over a substance, but was I really showing any power by the way I was living? I was barely surviving. The fact that I did survive couldn't have been because of me, because the way I was acting and living could've very easily killed me. That's about as powerless of an existence as any!
I first learned to understand the concept of powerlessness in terms of being powerless over situations. I grew up an abused kid. My head was a mess. I had a laundry list of mental illnesses, most of which I'll never know if they were caused by my environment or would've been there anyway. I grew up around ridiculous amounts of alcohol and drugs to the point that I had no idea what a "normal drinker" was. I was powerless over all of that. I did absolutely nothing to cause any of those things, and therefore had no power to influence them. I started drinking when I was 13. You can argue how much of that was in my control/power. Was I old enough to know better? Maybe. I knew it was illegal, but I also "knew" based on my home life that that's just what you do. Things get stressful? Drink. Something you don't like happens? Drink. Things are good? Drink. I wish I could say that I saw the negative effects alcohol had on my parents and other family members and chose not to drink, but I didn't. I followed right in line and started up with them.
I don't know if I had power then. What I do know is that after more than a decade of relying on alcohol to be able to function, I hadn't built any other coping skills. I had become an absolute prisoner to it without even realizing it. Every day after work I said "maybe I won't drink today," but opening a bottle was the very first thing I did when I got home. I had withdrawals almost the entire time I was in the hospital (though I was in complete denial about what they were) and felt miserable...but as soon as I got out the very first thing I did was went and got drunk. I swore I'd never drink in the morning. Soon I was drinking every morning. I swore I'd never drink except for at home or when out with friends. Soon I was carrying a coke bottle mixed with vodka with me everywhere I went...including to school, to the library, etc. I swore I wouldn't drive drunk but I did that too. Alcohol sure seemed to be winning the power struggle! Maybe it was more my misery I was powerless over, but even the good times made me want to drink. Drinking was what I knew.
The revelation came when I realized that all being powerless meant was that I could say, "It's ok." I don't mean that I was excusing any of my bad decisions and bad behavior. But it meant that I could accept what had happened, and let go. I could cease fighting. Not give up, just cease fighting. I had fought for years and gotten nowhere. Being powerless meant that I could stop asking, "What's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this? Why does this keep getting worse?" I could let go of the "why" and focus on the "What's next?"
This has held true for me again and again. In one of my most healing journal entries I wrote about how I am powerless over my past. I told a good friend about this and she was very bothered by it. She had lived a similar past to mine and to her it was very important to declare power over it. But for me it was such a beautiful thing to let go of trying to have that power. Accepting that I am powerless means that I don't have to beat myself up over the things that still affect me. I don't know why I'm still bothered by things that happened when I was 4. I don't understand it. But I am. Sometimes I'm so bothered by them I can barely function. Now, I could spend all day trying to figure out why exactly it still bothers me so much. Or I could accept that I am powerless over what happened to me and the effects of it. I can accept that regardless of the reasons, the issue is there, and I can decide what I'm going to do next to handle it. Now I get to save hours and hours of time that would've been spent trying to figure out. Now I don't have to care why! That doesn't mean I get out of dealing with it...just that I get out of fighting with it's very existence.
Recently I've been struggling with some huge fears related to social situations. Again I don't know why I struggle so much with them. I don't know why it's such an issue for me. Logically I know they're pretty ridiculous fears, but that doesn't stop them from being there. So I accept that I'm powerless over the fact that these fears exist. Then I can stop questioning and decide what I'm going to do next to overcome them.
When you add in the next 2 steps of AA, coming to believe in a higher power that can restore you to sanity, and turning things over to that higher power, it completes the circle. When these issues come up I don't have to fight them. I accept that they're there and I say "Higher power, I'm stuck and I don't know what to do with this. Please help me." And over time these things go away...and I find the right path to keep moving forward. But it's a beautiful thing to be able to let go of what used to plague me for hours, days, and even years! I just let it go out in to the air, out for my higher power to deal with. Because whether I fight, stress, argue with the universe, etc. something is going to happen one way or the other. So now I let it go, and do the best I can to keep walking in the right direction.
As odd as it may sound, being powerless has given me so much confidence and taken away so many fears. I've realized now that the results aren't up to me. I do the very best that I can do, and leave the rest up to the universe and my higher power. I don't want to have all the power because that means I have to have all the answers. I have the power over myself and my decisions, but I have no power over how others react. For example, I decide how much effort I put forth on a homework assignment. But I have no real power over what grade I get. Sometimes I don't even have power over how I react to things...since I react based on all the other factors already mentioned. But the one thing I know I have power over is the level of effort I put in. I do my best to make the best decisions I can. Everything else I let go of and leave up to the universe and my higher power. Such a simpler life than what I used to live!
I'm not sure if this makes any sense to anyone else or just sounds like lots of circles. Either way, it's what works for me. :) I recently heard a speaker say: "I'm not responsible for my disease, but I'm responsible for my recovery." Basically that sums it all up for me.
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I think today I'm grateful for the internet. It's hard to imagine what I would've done if I'd been born a couple of decades earlier and didn't have this huge wealth of resources and support literally at my fingertips!
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
My life being unmanageable was easy for me from the moment I walked in the door. Having just come out of a psych hospital for trying to kill myself made that abundantly clear! I was not managing my life nor did I have any idea how to. But the powerless thing was a different issue all together, and it's a sticking point for many people in recovery or looking to get sober. Since those early days I've had some pretty powerful (no pun intended ;) ) revelations about the whole idea.
I grew up absolutely, 100% powerless. People took away my power. Most kids are powerless to some level because they rely on adults to take care of them and meet their needs for them. But my powerlessness was taken to additional levels. I remember being held down by groups of adult men so I could be hurt. That is true powerlessness when you can't move any part of your body...when you know pain is coming and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Worse, my mind was being taken over by them. Every part of my life was controlled by them...whether I got to eat, how much I got to eat, if I was allowed outside that day, who I could talk to, what I could say, etc. etc. They took all my power away to think for myself and do for myself. I could only do what fit in to their plans and their desires.
It's important to me as an adult to know I have power. When I would have flashbacks to those horrible nights as a child, I would have to remind myself again and again that I am an adult now. I am big now and they can't hurt me. I have the power to do things like run away, call the police, stay away from them, etc. I have the power to choose who I spend time with and make decisions for my own life. I never want to go back to being powerless. The last thing I want is to be powerless over a substance!
When I heard people at meetings talking about powerlessness and surrender I thought, "You've got to be kidding!" I'd worked my whole life to show how tough I was, and damnit I was tough. I am tough. But yet I'd stopped being able to function long ago. Life had brought me to my knees. Before going in to the hospital I would make it to work, but just barely. I rarely felt good enough to eat in the morning, so I'd just stagger my way to work. I felt decently good at work so I'd usually manage to eat lunch, my one meal of the day. As soon as I left work that all-consuming loneliness and misery came back. It was like I changed in to a whole new person on that drive home. At work I could pull out that energy from somewhere or another. I worked with kids and really did like my job, so I wanted to fully be there for them and with them. I'm not sure I should say it was even keeping up a front, it was just letting that part of me come out. But that part was only out when others were around. It was like I morphed on the drive home. Slowly as the miles ticked off I changed from my work self to this ugly, empty, skeleton of a self. No matter what I'd planned to do after work, by the time I got home I could barely drag myself to my bed. If I were lucky I'd get a shower in before pulling out a bottle of something or other and drinking until I passed out...often mixed with a handful of sleeping pills or other such "fun." I rarely managed to eat dinner.
Nothing about that is how a "normal" person lives. Really, it's a miracle I managed to survive it and keep my job! Maybe I didn't want to be powerless over a substance, but was I really showing any power by the way I was living? I was barely surviving. The fact that I did survive couldn't have been because of me, because the way I was acting and living could've very easily killed me. That's about as powerless of an existence as any!
I first learned to understand the concept of powerlessness in terms of being powerless over situations. I grew up an abused kid. My head was a mess. I had a laundry list of mental illnesses, most of which I'll never know if they were caused by my environment or would've been there anyway. I grew up around ridiculous amounts of alcohol and drugs to the point that I had no idea what a "normal drinker" was. I was powerless over all of that. I did absolutely nothing to cause any of those things, and therefore had no power to influence them. I started drinking when I was 13. You can argue how much of that was in my control/power. Was I old enough to know better? Maybe. I knew it was illegal, but I also "knew" based on my home life that that's just what you do. Things get stressful? Drink. Something you don't like happens? Drink. Things are good? Drink. I wish I could say that I saw the negative effects alcohol had on my parents and other family members and chose not to drink, but I didn't. I followed right in line and started up with them.
I don't know if I had power then. What I do know is that after more than a decade of relying on alcohol to be able to function, I hadn't built any other coping skills. I had become an absolute prisoner to it without even realizing it. Every day after work I said "maybe I won't drink today," but opening a bottle was the very first thing I did when I got home. I had withdrawals almost the entire time I was in the hospital (though I was in complete denial about what they were) and felt miserable...but as soon as I got out the very first thing I did was went and got drunk. I swore I'd never drink in the morning. Soon I was drinking every morning. I swore I'd never drink except for at home or when out with friends. Soon I was carrying a coke bottle mixed with vodka with me everywhere I went...including to school, to the library, etc. I swore I wouldn't drive drunk but I did that too. Alcohol sure seemed to be winning the power struggle! Maybe it was more my misery I was powerless over, but even the good times made me want to drink. Drinking was what I knew.
The revelation came when I realized that all being powerless meant was that I could say, "It's ok." I don't mean that I was excusing any of my bad decisions and bad behavior. But it meant that I could accept what had happened, and let go. I could cease fighting. Not give up, just cease fighting. I had fought for years and gotten nowhere. Being powerless meant that I could stop asking, "What's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this? Why does this keep getting worse?" I could let go of the "why" and focus on the "What's next?"
This has held true for me again and again. In one of my most healing journal entries I wrote about how I am powerless over my past. I told a good friend about this and she was very bothered by it. She had lived a similar past to mine and to her it was very important to declare power over it. But for me it was such a beautiful thing to let go of trying to have that power. Accepting that I am powerless means that I don't have to beat myself up over the things that still affect me. I don't know why I'm still bothered by things that happened when I was 4. I don't understand it. But I am. Sometimes I'm so bothered by them I can barely function. Now, I could spend all day trying to figure out why exactly it still bothers me so much. Or I could accept that I am powerless over what happened to me and the effects of it. I can accept that regardless of the reasons, the issue is there, and I can decide what I'm going to do next to handle it. Now I get to save hours and hours of time that would've been spent trying to figure out. Now I don't have to care why! That doesn't mean I get out of dealing with it...just that I get out of fighting with it's very existence.
Recently I've been struggling with some huge fears related to social situations. Again I don't know why I struggle so much with them. I don't know why it's such an issue for me. Logically I know they're pretty ridiculous fears, but that doesn't stop them from being there. So I accept that I'm powerless over the fact that these fears exist. Then I can stop questioning and decide what I'm going to do next to overcome them.
When you add in the next 2 steps of AA, coming to believe in a higher power that can restore you to sanity, and turning things over to that higher power, it completes the circle. When these issues come up I don't have to fight them. I accept that they're there and I say "Higher power, I'm stuck and I don't know what to do with this. Please help me." And over time these things go away...and I find the right path to keep moving forward. But it's a beautiful thing to be able to let go of what used to plague me for hours, days, and even years! I just let it go out in to the air, out for my higher power to deal with. Because whether I fight, stress, argue with the universe, etc. something is going to happen one way or the other. So now I let it go, and do the best I can to keep walking in the right direction.
As odd as it may sound, being powerless has given me so much confidence and taken away so many fears. I've realized now that the results aren't up to me. I do the very best that I can do, and leave the rest up to the universe and my higher power. I don't want to have all the power because that means I have to have all the answers. I have the power over myself and my decisions, but I have no power over how others react. For example, I decide how much effort I put forth on a homework assignment. But I have no real power over what grade I get. Sometimes I don't even have power over how I react to things...since I react based on all the other factors already mentioned. But the one thing I know I have power over is the level of effort I put in. I do my best to make the best decisions I can. Everything else I let go of and leave up to the universe and my higher power. Such a simpler life than what I used to live!
I'm not sure if this makes any sense to anyone else or just sounds like lots of circles. Either way, it's what works for me. :) I recently heard a speaker say: "I'm not responsible for my disease, but I'm responsible for my recovery." Basically that sums it all up for me.
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I think today I'm grateful for the internet. It's hard to imagine what I would've done if I'd been born a couple of decades earlier and didn't have this huge wealth of resources and support literally at my fingertips!
Friday, December 27, 2013
2 Years!
So this is why I was never any good at blogging. I've started multiple posts, gotten about half way through and then gotten distracted and forgot to finish them. Hmph. Maybe I will at some point, but for now there's big news to be celebrated! :)
Anyone noticed that lil sobriety counter on the side of this site? Today it reads 735 days! Holy crap! That's a lot of days! After not coming to the site for a while and then returning to it I was shocked to see that I was in the 700's. For someone who truly didn't believe that I could go a day without a drink to numb the pain I was in, the fact that I've gone more than 700 days without a drink and am still doing ok (actually doing pretty well) is beyond incredible. It's unbelievable. It makes me believe in miracles, because I can't explain it any other way. My higher power gave me a way out, and for that I am so, so grateful.
So, for those that don't have their calculators handy, 735 days is just a little over 2 years. On 12/24, Christmas Eve, I had my official 2 year birthday. I know some people get confused when I call it my birthday, but I've never liked celebrating the day I was born. But the day I entered in to recovery feels like the day I truly entered life for the first time. Though I had no idea what I was getting in to at the time, it was the start of an incredible journey. It was the start of truly living rather than running and hiding. It was the start of being able to feel things, good and bad, without falling apart or needing to instantly numb it. It was the start of having real, genuine friends. I could go on and on. I got to chair the meeting on my birthday, and the topic I gave was on gifts we've gotten from sobriety (since it is the holiday season after all). We all agreed that we could talk for hours on all the gifts. Where I am now would've been beyond my wildest dreams when I started this deal. When I came in, all I wanted was to not be completely miserable. I would've never dreamed that I could be truly happy. The problems I have now are nothing compared to back then.
But the funny thing is, the circumstances of my life haven't changed all that much. Yes I have way more friends now, and I have a place to turn to for support, but mostly it's been a matter of learning new perspective and coping skills for the life I already have. I'm learning to find happiness from within, rather than from outside circumstances beyond my control. I have a connection to the world around me that I've never had before, as well as a connection to the spiritual world that I always sought in one way or another but could never grasp. I used to think I had nothing to be grateful for, but now as ya'll know I can write a gratitude list a mile long.
I will say it's been a tough year. A lot of work went in to this. I think the first year was all about just learning how to function again. This year has been much more about getting to know myself, and it hasn't always been pretty. But the amazing thing is that now when I deal with something, I'm actually dealing and not just burying it away. That means that once it's gone it's actually gone. It's unbelievably painful at times, but now I have hope, and faith, and I know the pain will pass. I'm excited to see what the next year will bring, especially because the holidays are finally done, so hopefully my brain will start returning to normal again.
(I try to like the holidays...really I do. But they bring up a lot of old shit for me, which brings up a lot of my old bad habits of being terrified everyone is going to abandon me and that no one really likes me and yada yada. But hopefully moving past that now! lol)
In honor of my new found ability to feel I leave you with this clip from The Grinch, which I happened to watch on Christmas. I hadn't seen the movie in a long while and had forgotten this scene....so when I saw it this time I about fell off the couch I was laughing so hard!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8J-YmVs1j0
Sunday, December 8, 2013
I want to be hurt today
Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'm not looking for someone to hurt me! What I mean is, lots of days I'm strong. Lots of days I'm happy. Lots of days I'm looking forward towards the future. Lots of days I'm thinking positively. I used to spend every day being sad, angry, hurt, and scared. Most of the time now, those take a back seat.
But I want to be hurt today. I'm tired. My positive energy is faltering. I'm starting to learn that I can still be overall positive about life and still have days where I hurt. That's a struggle for me because I feel like if I admit I hurt I'll lose all the positive progress I've made. But when I look back at when I first started this blog I'm clearly not the same person as I was then! (That's a part of what made me want to start writing again...it's amazing to see the difference!). Anyway...I feel like I have to justify feeling hurt. When I start to say anything negative I want to follow it up with lots of "buts." But I know I'm very blessed today. But I know things are better now, and will continue to get better. But I know I can help someone else. Maybe when I used to be negative all the time I needed those buts. But (haha) today I want to be hurt and have that be ok. Most of my friends are supportive of me when I'm hurting...some take the tough love a little too far. The tough love is what I needed so badly early on, but now I need to figure out how to let myself grieve and be sad.
I was hurt bad as a kid. I went through a lot of pain. Yes it happened many years ago, but that doesn't really matter. It was far more than physical pain. I lost my parents. I lost my childhood. I lost my ability to trust. I lost my freedom..my chance to be care free. I have memories of being surrounded and hurt by a group of people, completely unable to move. That's something that doesn't go away. It's just...pain. I wish I had more words for it. It's just that complete loss of control....in that moment absolutely everything was taken from me. My body...my dignity...my humanity. I'm so proud of myself for how far I've come, but I hate what my little self had to go through. I hate that I know what it feels like to go through those times when everything is taken.
I went out for a beautiful dinner tonight with some of my favorite people in the world for my sponsor's sobriety birthday (16 years! Damn!). I was in quite a mood the whole time...I got to see some people I hadn't seen in a long time and my smart ass was goin full bore! I had everyone cracking up and it was super fun. It's funny to me that at the same time I can hurt so much. It's not a coping mechanism. It used to be to some extent. If I could keep people laughing they wouldn't see I was hurting... Really it's probably a lot of what kept me sane. Even at my worst I've always been able to laugh. Tonight was genuine and fun. I love being able to give that to others. My sponsor told me yesterday that I was on her gratitude list...(i'd written on her bday card that I was grateful for her, and I so am, but it still amazes me that she's grateful for me). Anyway, she'd written that I'm "delightful". I love that word! I've definitely never been described that way before! She said she loves my happy and child-like energy and how I make things fun and make her laugh. This is coming from a woman who knows more about me than practically anyone else alive...and definitely more than anyone else in my face to face life! I know I'm not an easy person for her to work with...my moods are crazy at times and I've had some big mental health stuff go on while I've been working with her...combined with the obvious PTSD, flashbacks, extreme emotions related to that, etc. A lot of people (including my first sponsor) wouldn't be able to handle that. But she sticks with me through all of it and is still able to call me delightful! It gives me hope that maybe the good inside me really is starting to outweigh the bad. I also loved that she had it actually written down on her gratitude list. No matter how much time I spend around a person, my immediate reaction when they say something nice about me is that they're saying it out of pity or out of obligation or something. But she'd written that as part of a list of lots of stuff way earlier in the day, so it must be true. :)
Wow I really did start out planning to write about how much I hurt today and how I want to just be hurt, and I STILL end up writing about happy things! lol I feel better just acknowledging that the hurt is there though. And it is helping with my theory that I can be positive overall about life and still have parts of me that hurt like hell.
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This post has a lot of gratitude in it already, but I want to get back in the habit of ending my posts with something I'm grateful for. Today is easy...I'm grateful for my sponsor and that I was lucky enough to find her...for the wonderful friends I've made in the last couple of years, my sense of humor and ability to laugh, and the fact that the bad days are the odd and unusual ones right now since most of my days are good.
But I want to be hurt today. I'm tired. My positive energy is faltering. I'm starting to learn that I can still be overall positive about life and still have days where I hurt. That's a struggle for me because I feel like if I admit I hurt I'll lose all the positive progress I've made. But when I look back at when I first started this blog I'm clearly not the same person as I was then! (That's a part of what made me want to start writing again...it's amazing to see the difference!). Anyway...I feel like I have to justify feeling hurt. When I start to say anything negative I want to follow it up with lots of "buts." But I know I'm very blessed today. But I know things are better now, and will continue to get better. But I know I can help someone else. Maybe when I used to be negative all the time I needed those buts. But (haha) today I want to be hurt and have that be ok. Most of my friends are supportive of me when I'm hurting...some take the tough love a little too far. The tough love is what I needed so badly early on, but now I need to figure out how to let myself grieve and be sad.
I was hurt bad as a kid. I went through a lot of pain. Yes it happened many years ago, but that doesn't really matter. It was far more than physical pain. I lost my parents. I lost my childhood. I lost my ability to trust. I lost my freedom..my chance to be care free. I have memories of being surrounded and hurt by a group of people, completely unable to move. That's something that doesn't go away. It's just...pain. I wish I had more words for it. It's just that complete loss of control....in that moment absolutely everything was taken from me. My body...my dignity...my humanity. I'm so proud of myself for how far I've come, but I hate what my little self had to go through. I hate that I know what it feels like to go through those times when everything is taken.
I went out for a beautiful dinner tonight with some of my favorite people in the world for my sponsor's sobriety birthday (16 years! Damn!). I was in quite a mood the whole time...I got to see some people I hadn't seen in a long time and my smart ass was goin full bore! I had everyone cracking up and it was super fun. It's funny to me that at the same time I can hurt so much. It's not a coping mechanism. It used to be to some extent. If I could keep people laughing they wouldn't see I was hurting... Really it's probably a lot of what kept me sane. Even at my worst I've always been able to laugh. Tonight was genuine and fun. I love being able to give that to others. My sponsor told me yesterday that I was on her gratitude list...(i'd written on her bday card that I was grateful for her, and I so am, but it still amazes me that she's grateful for me). Anyway, she'd written that I'm "delightful". I love that word! I've definitely never been described that way before! She said she loves my happy and child-like energy and how I make things fun and make her laugh. This is coming from a woman who knows more about me than practically anyone else alive...and definitely more than anyone else in my face to face life! I know I'm not an easy person for her to work with...my moods are crazy at times and I've had some big mental health stuff go on while I've been working with her...combined with the obvious PTSD, flashbacks, extreme emotions related to that, etc. A lot of people (including my first sponsor) wouldn't be able to handle that. But she sticks with me through all of it and is still able to call me delightful! It gives me hope that maybe the good inside me really is starting to outweigh the bad. I also loved that she had it actually written down on her gratitude list. No matter how much time I spend around a person, my immediate reaction when they say something nice about me is that they're saying it out of pity or out of obligation or something. But she'd written that as part of a list of lots of stuff way earlier in the day, so it must be true. :)
Wow I really did start out planning to write about how much I hurt today and how I want to just be hurt, and I STILL end up writing about happy things! lol I feel better just acknowledging that the hurt is there though. And it is helping with my theory that I can be positive overall about life and still have parts of me that hurt like hell.
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This post has a lot of gratitude in it already, but I want to get back in the habit of ending my posts with something I'm grateful for. Today is easy...I'm grateful for my sponsor and that I was lucky enough to find her...for the wonderful friends I've made in the last couple of years, my sense of humor and ability to laugh, and the fact that the bad days are the odd and unusual ones right now since most of my days are good.
Monday, December 2, 2013
A beautiful thing
Well I guess this is why I suck at blogging. I wrote a big long post the other day but didn't have time to finish it. Then I totally forgot about it. I don't have the energy right now to finish it but came across something else I wanted to share.
http://distractify.com/people/bikers/
It may be just that it's the middle of the night but this had me crying big time. And I'm soooo not normally a crier for this kind of stuff! I would've loved to have someone like this when I was a kid!
http://distractify.com/people/bikers/
It may be just that it's the middle of the night but this had me crying big time. And I'm soooo not normally a crier for this kind of stuff! I would've loved to have someone like this when I was a kid!
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