Monday, October 15, 2012
Yay!
Well my visit counter seems to be back. At least one thing returning to "normal" in my life. Yay!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Paying the price
I told my new sponsor a bit of my history today, and now I'm paying the price. I didn't even go into detail, but every time I tell someone even a hint of it a big part of me freaks out. The nice thing is that when she asked what happened (I mentioned I was dealing with flashbacks, panic, and lots of anger/rage from the past), I was able to be clear, simple, and matter of fact w/out losing it. I'm getting much better at being able to state the facts. I just said that my parents were both drug addicts and my dad basically sold me for drugs. And that because of that I was hurt by many different men. Enough to get the point across w/out bein too painful. I didn't think it bothered me at all, but later on I was really panicky about it. Granted I'm panicky about everything these days. I was so well "trained" as a kid about all the horrible things that would happen if I told, that big parts of me are still terrified about it. It's an improvement though. The first time I told face to face a while back I started hallucinating people coming out of the shadows to kill me. In comparison, needing to lay down with a blanket because I was fairly sure I would vomit is pretty minor. And only a little bit of head running away with the "what if's".
So yeah, as I've said before, I'm thankful for the fact that even when things are crappy improvement can be seen. And my new sponsor commented repeatedly today on how great she thinks I'm doing and how she thinks I have an overall great outlook on things. We talked about my attempts to come to terms with the fact that I feel incredibly blessed by everything I've been given....I have a place to live, food to eat, I get to go to school, I live in a peaceful and safe area, I was guided to the right people to take care of me and help save my life and help me get sober...lots of little coincidences that don't make any sense except as from god. All that stuff is great, and it really is remarkable that I came out of all that I did mostly healthy, not pregnant or anything, and alive! I can't help but feel blessed for all of that, and yet so, so angry with god that I had to go through so much to begin with. I don't know how to make those things come together.....being so thankful for my miraculous recovery from the horrible situation I should've never been in in the first place. This will probably end up being it's own post at some point, because for now it's bedtime.
Oh, but one last thing, what the heck happened to my visit counter? I was up to at least a few thousand and now i'm at 2? My old blog that I don't use anymore was also reduced to zero. Anyone know? Did this happen to anyone else?
So yeah, as I've said before, I'm thankful for the fact that even when things are crappy improvement can be seen. And my new sponsor commented repeatedly today on how great she thinks I'm doing and how she thinks I have an overall great outlook on things. We talked about my attempts to come to terms with the fact that I feel incredibly blessed by everything I've been given....I have a place to live, food to eat, I get to go to school, I live in a peaceful and safe area, I was guided to the right people to take care of me and help save my life and help me get sober...lots of little coincidences that don't make any sense except as from god. All that stuff is great, and it really is remarkable that I came out of all that I did mostly healthy, not pregnant or anything, and alive! I can't help but feel blessed for all of that, and yet so, so angry with god that I had to go through so much to begin with. I don't know how to make those things come together.....being so thankful for my miraculous recovery from the horrible situation I should've never been in in the first place. This will probably end up being it's own post at some point, because for now it's bedtime.
Oh, but one last thing, what the heck happened to my visit counter? I was up to at least a few thousand and now i'm at 2? My old blog that I don't use anymore was also reduced to zero. Anyone know? Did this happen to anyone else?
Friday, October 12, 2012
Tough
I'd planned to be in bed hours ago but the whole sleep thing isn't working out right now. So yeah. Might as well tell the story of my day.
I went to see a new doctor today and boy was it tough. I didn't really understand going in what the appointment was going to be, but they told me it would be someone to talk to about getting my meds transferred over ASAP. I pictured going to talk to someone in an office to discuss the issue. Yeah not so much.
I almost missed the appointment because my anxiety is so high it's hard to leave the house. But thankfully they let me in (I have a really good desperate/panic face goin' on right now! lol). They gave me some initial paperwork to fill out, which turned out to be a whole freakin book. They asked a ton of questions. Like always, I had to guess at my family history. I know a little of it but not a lot. Then they asked a bunch of mental health questions, which I tried to be honest about so they could see that I really need my meds. They even asked if I had experienced sexual abuse and when. Sheesh. (They also asked if there was a history w/in my family members of abuse, which I found to be an interesting question. I said no, which is a lie, but I didn't really think it matters.
There were a ton of questions then about sexual partners, but after the top couple I decided not to read and marked no to everything. They were too hard for me to read and think on, and they were all under the heading of AIDS risk, and I've been tested for HIV so I'm not concerned. There were some other tough questions too but they're not coming to mind right now. It took a really, really long time to fill it all out though. The fun part was that I got to be totally honest about all the drug and alcohol questions. That's a first for me. I used to always have to lie on all the questions about if you drink and how much and all that.
After finishing my paperwork this guy w/a very, very heavy Spanish accent called me back. I wish I could tell my real name on here (very simple to pronounce) just to show how badly he butchered it. I didn't recognize my name and wouldn't have known it was me except that there was only one other person in the waiting room who didn't seem to be moving. This guy did my vitals and was clearly knew. He wasn't rough exactly, but he wasn't gentle. I got through that ok but then he left me to wait for the dr. As some of you know already, I despise everything medical. Some of my abuse was done under the guise of medicine. Then being restrained the last time I was in the hospital has made the terror that much worse. I should've brought more options of stuff to do, because my anxiety is so bad already and I had to wait a long time for the dr. I did study for my Spanish test. I figure if I can get through all my flashcards while shaking and freaking out I must have 'em down pretty well! lol I got too shaky to practice them anymore though so I ended up curled up in a corner and considering leaving.
The doctor finally came in and she was this tiny little thing and so, so sweet. When I told her why she was there she was so apologetic and commiserated with me on the ridiculousness of this insurance stuff. She also thanked me profusely for bringing all my medication bottles and as much documentation as I could. I figured that was common sense but maybe not. I can't imagine she would've written the prescriptions w/out that.
She asked some more history questions, but was so sweet about it that I was able to get through it. Early on she said, "So I saw you were sexually abused as a child. Is that what these issues are from?" Shit. I nodded. I may have eeked out a "yeah." It's still so hard to hear that said out loud...especially from a stranger. I've gotten better at talking about it in some places, but yeah. She said, "Oh I'm so sorry, no one should have to go through that." I didn't really know how to reply so I didn't say anything. She went on to say she'd spent a bit of time in pediatric psych but couldn't do it because so many of the issues came from adults who had hurt kids and it made her violent. It sorta made me giggle inside to see this sweet and itty bitty little woman talking about getting violent. I told her that that's what I want to do...that I could never be a case worker because I couldn't face the parents, but I want to work w/hurt kids and have the passion for it.
Then she asked about my suicide attempt and hospitalization and wanted to know details about it. I realized after a bit that she was asking to know if I still held on to any of those thoughts. I told her that that really wasn't an issue anymore though I was honest with the fact that I was really, really struggling right now. (I wanted to make sure that getting the meds NOW was non-negotiable). She said, "Wow, so all your issues really are from the system right now aren't they?" YES! So nice to be validated about this ridiculous situation and how wrong it is from someone in the system. More of these people need to realize the damage they're risking. Thankfully I have a good support system now but this has really rocked me and in all honesty has pushed some of the suicidal thoughts back. Someone in not such a good place could've been really, really seriously damaged....a lot more than just missing some classes and homework assignments. (And pissing off a few friends that I let down). Anyway, I got a chance to brag a bit about taking better care of myself and the fact that I'm 9 months sober now. (Actually 9.5 months. Yay).
So after 2 hours of this stuff the scripts finally got written. Of course it was well into the evening so the pharmacy was closed, but at least this step is taken care of. The scary news is that apparently the co-pay amount (which already felt a little high to me) is incorrect and it's actually going to be more. So it's not guaranteed yet, but I'm at least a step closer.
I don't know what the next step is (besides picking up the scripts tomorrow. yay.). She asked if I would still be able to see my psychiatrist and I said yes but I didn't know how that would work if I can't fill his prescriptions. She didn't know how it would work either. And it was at this point that I may have accidentally called her not a real doctor. I rephrased right away but we both got a kick out of it. (She was talking about how she wouldn't normally prescribe the meds I was asking for, and I said "well I have a real doctor!").
I wish she could be my long-term dr. but I guess that's not possible. Probably for the better cus the place I had to go to was really far away...but it's rare that I actually like a doctor. I have an appt. on 11/1 which I guess is to get officially established as a patient. Honestly by the time she was explaining all of this to me I really didn't have the energy left to care. I just said ok, whatever. I was so so so so so so so so so ready to get out of that damn room and get home! I went and got some comfort food (aka cheeseburger) and went home to watch Joe Biden beat the crap out of Paul Ryan. Fun times.
Oh and through all of this my heart rate was "only" 88. ;) I'm sure it would've been a hell of a lot higher after all the time waiting for the dr though! I was shaking so bad I could barely move by the time she came in. And I must've stiffened up when she tried to listen to my heart/lungs bc she apologized for touching me. And she kept telling me to take a deep breath. I'm trying, woman! lol
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I'm grateful that all that's over with and I got through it, even by myself. My sponsor had offered to go with me, which was super nice of her and I badly wished she was there, but at the time she offered I really thought it was going to be just talking to someone in an office. It's probably for the best that she wasn't there though, I would've felt really bad to ask anyone to sit around w/me for that long! Anyway, I'll be even more grateful tomorrow when (hopefully) i'll have the meds in hand. Just can't believe it for sure though, as every time I've thought it's figured out something else goes wrong.
I went to see a new doctor today and boy was it tough. I didn't really understand going in what the appointment was going to be, but they told me it would be someone to talk to about getting my meds transferred over ASAP. I pictured going to talk to someone in an office to discuss the issue. Yeah not so much.
I almost missed the appointment because my anxiety is so high it's hard to leave the house. But thankfully they let me in (I have a really good desperate/panic face goin' on right now! lol). They gave me some initial paperwork to fill out, which turned out to be a whole freakin book. They asked a ton of questions. Like always, I had to guess at my family history. I know a little of it but not a lot. Then they asked a bunch of mental health questions, which I tried to be honest about so they could see that I really need my meds. They even asked if I had experienced sexual abuse and when. Sheesh. (They also asked if there was a history w/in my family members of abuse, which I found to be an interesting question. I said no, which is a lie, but I didn't really think it matters.
There were a ton of questions then about sexual partners, but after the top couple I decided not to read and marked no to everything. They were too hard for me to read and think on, and they were all under the heading of AIDS risk, and I've been tested for HIV so I'm not concerned. There were some other tough questions too but they're not coming to mind right now. It took a really, really long time to fill it all out though. The fun part was that I got to be totally honest about all the drug and alcohol questions. That's a first for me. I used to always have to lie on all the questions about if you drink and how much and all that.
After finishing my paperwork this guy w/a very, very heavy Spanish accent called me back. I wish I could tell my real name on here (very simple to pronounce) just to show how badly he butchered it. I didn't recognize my name and wouldn't have known it was me except that there was only one other person in the waiting room who didn't seem to be moving. This guy did my vitals and was clearly knew. He wasn't rough exactly, but he wasn't gentle. I got through that ok but then he left me to wait for the dr. As some of you know already, I despise everything medical. Some of my abuse was done under the guise of medicine. Then being restrained the last time I was in the hospital has made the terror that much worse. I should've brought more options of stuff to do, because my anxiety is so bad already and I had to wait a long time for the dr. I did study for my Spanish test. I figure if I can get through all my flashcards while shaking and freaking out I must have 'em down pretty well! lol I got too shaky to practice them anymore though so I ended up curled up in a corner and considering leaving.
The doctor finally came in and she was this tiny little thing and so, so sweet. When I told her why she was there she was so apologetic and commiserated with me on the ridiculousness of this insurance stuff. She also thanked me profusely for bringing all my medication bottles and as much documentation as I could. I figured that was common sense but maybe not. I can't imagine she would've written the prescriptions w/out that.
She asked some more history questions, but was so sweet about it that I was able to get through it. Early on she said, "So I saw you were sexually abused as a child. Is that what these issues are from?" Shit. I nodded. I may have eeked out a "yeah." It's still so hard to hear that said out loud...especially from a stranger. I've gotten better at talking about it in some places, but yeah. She said, "Oh I'm so sorry, no one should have to go through that." I didn't really know how to reply so I didn't say anything. She went on to say she'd spent a bit of time in pediatric psych but couldn't do it because so many of the issues came from adults who had hurt kids and it made her violent. It sorta made me giggle inside to see this sweet and itty bitty little woman talking about getting violent. I told her that that's what I want to do...that I could never be a case worker because I couldn't face the parents, but I want to work w/hurt kids and have the passion for it.
Then she asked about my suicide attempt and hospitalization and wanted to know details about it. I realized after a bit that she was asking to know if I still held on to any of those thoughts. I told her that that really wasn't an issue anymore though I was honest with the fact that I was really, really struggling right now. (I wanted to make sure that getting the meds NOW was non-negotiable). She said, "Wow, so all your issues really are from the system right now aren't they?" YES! So nice to be validated about this ridiculous situation and how wrong it is from someone in the system. More of these people need to realize the damage they're risking. Thankfully I have a good support system now but this has really rocked me and in all honesty has pushed some of the suicidal thoughts back. Someone in not such a good place could've been really, really seriously damaged....a lot more than just missing some classes and homework assignments. (And pissing off a few friends that I let down). Anyway, I got a chance to brag a bit about taking better care of myself and the fact that I'm 9 months sober now. (Actually 9.5 months. Yay).
So after 2 hours of this stuff the scripts finally got written. Of course it was well into the evening so the pharmacy was closed, but at least this step is taken care of. The scary news is that apparently the co-pay amount (which already felt a little high to me) is incorrect and it's actually going to be more. So it's not guaranteed yet, but I'm at least a step closer.
I don't know what the next step is (besides picking up the scripts tomorrow. yay.). She asked if I would still be able to see my psychiatrist and I said yes but I didn't know how that would work if I can't fill his prescriptions. She didn't know how it would work either. And it was at this point that I may have accidentally called her not a real doctor. I rephrased right away but we both got a kick out of it. (She was talking about how she wouldn't normally prescribe the meds I was asking for, and I said "well I have a real doctor!").
I wish she could be my long-term dr. but I guess that's not possible. Probably for the better cus the place I had to go to was really far away...but it's rare that I actually like a doctor. I have an appt. on 11/1 which I guess is to get officially established as a patient. Honestly by the time she was explaining all of this to me I really didn't have the energy left to care. I just said ok, whatever. I was so so so so so so so so so ready to get out of that damn room and get home! I went and got some comfort food (aka cheeseburger) and went home to watch Joe Biden beat the crap out of Paul Ryan. Fun times.
Oh and through all of this my heart rate was "only" 88. ;) I'm sure it would've been a hell of a lot higher after all the time waiting for the dr though! I was shaking so bad I could barely move by the time she came in. And I must've stiffened up when she tried to listen to my heart/lungs bc she apologized for touching me. And she kept telling me to take a deep breath. I'm trying, woman! lol
---------------
I'm grateful that all that's over with and I got through it, even by myself. My sponsor had offered to go with me, which was super nice of her and I badly wished she was there, but at the time she offered I really thought it was going to be just talking to someone in an office. It's probably for the best that she wasn't there though, I would've felt really bad to ask anyone to sit around w/me for that long! Anyway, I'll be even more grateful tomorrow when (hopefully) i'll have the meds in hand. Just can't believe it for sure though, as every time I've thought it's figured out something else goes wrong.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
This is bad
I really thought I'd be ok w/out meds. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I'm in such a much better place now than I've been in a long, long time. Turns out that's not enough. I'm losin it. I don't know where I've been for most of the day today. Apparently dissociating. Everything in my body hurts from the constant flashbacks. The pain makes me think of the memories of what caused it, which makes me focus on them which makes the pain worse. Bad bad cycle. I can't seem to fight it cus my brain won't stop running like crazy. I'm scared to call anyone, especially sponsor or anyone cus i can barely breathe and don't want to scare anyone away. Hate this so much and i'm so screwed. Unless I can convince someone to lie for me so I can get my insurance back, my other options appear to be to wait at least another month or pay close to $1000. I'm regressing so freaking fast. Starting to feel like I did before the hospital last year. Damn.
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I'm grateful that at least now I have an awareness that there is a good life out there so there's some hope rather than total hopelessness.
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I'm grateful that at least now I have an awareness that there is a good life out there so there's some hope rather than total hopelessness.
Monday, October 8, 2012
;ALJKFELKAJNLVKJBAELKJKJHGA;ELW!!!!!!!!!!!!
My thoughts are racing SO FREAKING FAST right now! It's driving me crazy! I'm still having the seepiness issues like before, but not quite as bad. Now the issue is that I can't get my mind to SHUT UP! Even when I'm talking it's a mile a minute. I can't focus on anything, including on calming myself down or relaxing or anything cus my thoughts are going in a million different directions. It's like eternal craziness and chaos in my head to the point I want to explode. I think it's where a lot of the physical discomfort stuff is coming from too. My head can't get comfortable and neither can my body...everything just feels off...and bad.
Hoping that I'll be able to get to sleep w/out all the panic tonight. No matter how tired I am going to bed is causing mega panic...just like old times. Sooooo much of this is just like old times. Guess it shows the meds are working. I see my dr. early tomorrow morning. Not sure what to expect from that cus I'm not sure if there's anything he can do. He can prescribe generics which I can't afford but he might pressure me to get them cus it's obviously not the healthiest option where I'm at right now. He can write more scripts but I don't think he has any say on where they're accepted. Argh. At least it's something. We'll see. In the meantime it's just....HA;JHT;AKJHEG;LKEJA;LKGJE;LKAJ;GEKLJ as I said before...lol . The good news is that I don't have to work on wednesday so I'll have some time to deal with it then.
Oh, and I learned today that my boss totally stood up for me against angry parents. That's totally awesome because I really wasn't at fault for what I was being blamed for, but as a new instructor who knows. Especially because I thought he might blame me in order to save his own ass. But he didn't. He said the parents were acting obnoxiously (which they really, really were) and that he's not worried about what it means for the company, he's glad to be rid of them. Yay! And I will say my class was SO much more peaceful last wednesday w/out them, so in all honesty I'm glad to know they're not coming back. It still sucks because of course I want all my kids to like the class and be happy/excited about it, but it's still nice to know I'm not being blamed for bratty children (and parents).
I think that's what I'm thankful for....a boss who likes my work and is willing to stand up for me. Yay.
Hoping that I'll be able to get to sleep w/out all the panic tonight. No matter how tired I am going to bed is causing mega panic...just like old times. Sooooo much of this is just like old times. Guess it shows the meds are working. I see my dr. early tomorrow morning. Not sure what to expect from that cus I'm not sure if there's anything he can do. He can prescribe generics which I can't afford but he might pressure me to get them cus it's obviously not the healthiest option where I'm at right now. He can write more scripts but I don't think he has any say on where they're accepted. Argh. At least it's something. We'll see. In the meantime it's just....HA;JHT;AKJHEG;LKEJA;LKGJE;LKAJ;GEKLJ as I said before...lol . The good news is that I don't have to work on wednesday so I'll have some time to deal with it then.
Oh, and I learned today that my boss totally stood up for me against angry parents. That's totally awesome because I really wasn't at fault for what I was being blamed for, but as a new instructor who knows. Especially because I thought he might blame me in order to save his own ass. But he didn't. He said the parents were acting obnoxiously (which they really, really were) and that he's not worried about what it means for the company, he's glad to be rid of them. Yay! And I will say my class was SO much more peaceful last wednesday w/out them, so in all honesty I'm glad to know they're not coming back. It still sucks because of course I want all my kids to like the class and be happy/excited about it, but it's still nice to know I'm not being blamed for bratty children (and parents).
I think that's what I'm thankful for....a boss who likes my work and is willing to stand up for me. Yay.
Update
Things are crazy right now.
I'm not having the pain issues like I was when I wrote before. I've still been sleeping a ton, and when awake still having panic attacks. It's now the middle of the night and I'm suddenly wide awake and can't lay down because I'm panicky. Oh the joys. I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow (or maybe it's today...). Work and homework and phone calls and etc. I guess it's a catch 22 of the more I try to do the more I stress myself out, and then I can't relax so I can't sleep which causes me to sleep more later. Or something. Does that even make sense? lol
Something nice did happen today though. I was scheduled to meet with my new sponsor. First she scared the shit outta me cus she called me in the morning asking if we were still going to meet. I thought I'd gotten the time wrong or something and I was already supposed to be there. Thankfully no...and I said I didn't feel up to going, which I'd been planning to call her to say anyway. She asked if I wanted her to come here, and I said sure if she wanted. I was surprised with former sponsor, after we had our falling out she said on the day I didn't want to see her that I should've told her that or that I couldn't make it and she would've come to me. Of course she never offered at the time that she would come over. But anyway...
New sponsor came over, which was interesting in itself because sleeping all the time doesn't generally lend itself to keeping a place clean and guest-ready. I guess that did put a little energy in me cus I got up and cleaned at least enough to make it not disgusting looking (think dirty clothes scattered on the floor, fast food trash by the couch cus I was generally awake only long enough to eat and then I'd fall asleep again...that kind of thing). Anyway, she came over and brought a whole bag of food, which I thought was super sweet of her. Yesterday I'd actually been wanting to go to the grocery store but didn't make it cus I had a crazy huge panic attack. So I really did need food, but I hadn't mentined that to her at all. I just thought that was really cool and insightful of her. Also I always say that the quickest way to my heart is through my stomach!
It was really nice to talk with her cus she was just understanding and reassured me that I was doing well and that it was going to be ok. I do feel like overall I'm handling this pretty well by not falling apart, but it's still scary and overwhelming. It's nice to hear from someone with a lot more experience than I've got saying I'm handling it well. I'm not sure if things are going to work out long-term with new sponsor as my sponsor for reasons I'm too tired to get in to right now, but she is an incredible woman that I'm so very glad to have as a friend.
Oh, and she totally offered to lie for me and let me use her address to get my insurance. She lives in the county I used to live in so it would work. She of course wants me to exhaust the other options first, but I just thought it was cool and rather ironic that the person who is supposed to be helping me learn to live honestly is also somewhat offering to lie for me. We both agreed that when it comes to certain types of beaurocratic (however ya spell that) bullshit like this ya sometimes just have to do what ya gotta do to make it work. She understands that I've been doing everything I possibly can to make this work, and it seems kinda ridiculous for me to be going through all this when there's such a simple solution to fix it.
Anyway that's all for now...watch just beeped 4am so I guess I need to make another attempt at sleep before I'm totally brain dead tomorrow. That or maybe I'll get up and eat something which might help the panic go away. <Sigh> So so ready to be done with this! (But how am I going to make all my phone calls when i'm so freakin tired?) Harumph!
I'm not having the pain issues like I was when I wrote before. I've still been sleeping a ton, and when awake still having panic attacks. It's now the middle of the night and I'm suddenly wide awake and can't lay down because I'm panicky. Oh the joys. I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow (or maybe it's today...). Work and homework and phone calls and etc. I guess it's a catch 22 of the more I try to do the more I stress myself out, and then I can't relax so I can't sleep which causes me to sleep more later. Or something. Does that even make sense? lol
Something nice did happen today though. I was scheduled to meet with my new sponsor. First she scared the shit outta me cus she called me in the morning asking if we were still going to meet. I thought I'd gotten the time wrong or something and I was already supposed to be there. Thankfully no...and I said I didn't feel up to going, which I'd been planning to call her to say anyway. She asked if I wanted her to come here, and I said sure if she wanted. I was surprised with former sponsor, after we had our falling out she said on the day I didn't want to see her that I should've told her that or that I couldn't make it and she would've come to me. Of course she never offered at the time that she would come over. But anyway...
New sponsor came over, which was interesting in itself because sleeping all the time doesn't generally lend itself to keeping a place clean and guest-ready. I guess that did put a little energy in me cus I got up and cleaned at least enough to make it not disgusting looking (think dirty clothes scattered on the floor, fast food trash by the couch cus I was generally awake only long enough to eat and then I'd fall asleep again...that kind of thing). Anyway, she came over and brought a whole bag of food, which I thought was super sweet of her. Yesterday I'd actually been wanting to go to the grocery store but didn't make it cus I had a crazy huge panic attack. So I really did need food, but I hadn't mentined that to her at all. I just thought that was really cool and insightful of her. Also I always say that the quickest way to my heart is through my stomach!
It was really nice to talk with her cus she was just understanding and reassured me that I was doing well and that it was going to be ok. I do feel like overall I'm handling this pretty well by not falling apart, but it's still scary and overwhelming. It's nice to hear from someone with a lot more experience than I've got saying I'm handling it well. I'm not sure if things are going to work out long-term with new sponsor as my sponsor for reasons I'm too tired to get in to right now, but she is an incredible woman that I'm so very glad to have as a friend.
Oh, and she totally offered to lie for me and let me use her address to get my insurance. She lives in the county I used to live in so it would work. She of course wants me to exhaust the other options first, but I just thought it was cool and rather ironic that the person who is supposed to be helping me learn to live honestly is also somewhat offering to lie for me. We both agreed that when it comes to certain types of beaurocratic (however ya spell that) bullshit like this ya sometimes just have to do what ya gotta do to make it work. She understands that I've been doing everything I possibly can to make this work, and it seems kinda ridiculous for me to be going through all this when there's such a simple solution to fix it.
Anyway that's all for now...watch just beeped 4am so I guess I need to make another attempt at sleep before I'm totally brain dead tomorrow. That or maybe I'll get up and eat something which might help the panic go away. <Sigh> So so ready to be done with this! (But how am I going to make all my phone calls when i'm so freakin tired?) Harumph!
Friday, October 5, 2012
It just isn't right
I've worked fucking hard to get to where I am. And now I'm watching it all disappear before me, all because of money. I can't afford my meds. I got the insurance that was supposed to help, but now, after weeks of fighting with them, I find out they won't accept scripts written by my dr. Only one of their drs and I don't want to switch. And even if I did, I'd have to get on a waiting list and go through all their crap. Who knows when I'd be able to see anyone.
I thought I was doing ok without them. I seemed to be getting into a rhythm, as it's been a little over a week now. But in the last couple days it's just been getting worse. I'm so so tired. I've been praying to not be such an insomniac but this is not what I meant.
Yesterday I went out to an event in the morning. I was so tired from it that I came home and took a 3 hour nap. Even after that I was barely able to stay awake and focus to study for my test.
Well today I was too tired to even get up to take the test. Part of the problem was that I had horrible nightmares last night. I dreamt of being back with the ppl who hurt me. In the dream it was after things had happened and I was trying to make my way upstairs but my whole body hurt so bad I could barely move. I tried to will my body to go but it wouldn't. I woke up simultaneously sobbing in pain and feeling like I was going to puke. It felt like everything hurt but at the same time I couldn't explain exactly what hurt. I have a very high pain tolerance and yet this was unbearable. Finally after enough pain meds (don't worry, I asked a friend what I could take to make sure I didn't OD) and some panic meds that I thankfully still have left, I was able to settle myself down. Once settled I lay down on the couch and managed to sleep through my entire test. I was so so deep asleep that I kept briefly waking up wondering where I was and then falling back to sleep again. I slept all day which meant missing my test, standing up this guy that has been incredibly nice to me and that I had promised I'd help, missing my meeting that I probably really needed, and missing my hockey game that I was really, really excited about. I managed to be awake long enough to shower and eat but that's about it.
This is so horribly not fair. I've worked way too hard to watch my life disappear in front of me like this.
When I am awake I switch between horrible pain and anxiety attacks and feeling like i'm going to die. The pain is still this weird, inexplicable hurts everywhere and yet nowhere thing. It's like my whole body is just unbelievably uncomfortable. and it's starting now so i need to go back to laying down and see if I can sleep for real (not just dozing on the couch). I do have one thing to be grateful for. This is showing me that I do in fact want to live because i'm not feeling like giving up and i'm not wanting to quit. I'm just so fucking angry because this is taking away the life that i've built. But in a sense that's good because it's showing me how badly I want that life.
I don't want to get political on here but I just gotta say...if you're one of those people against health care for all, please, please give it a second thought. Call me selfish, but a person should not have to be in this much pain solely because of money (or lack thereof)! I'm working my ass off, I just don't have money right now because I'm in school, so I can't work full time. I'm definitely not lazy or being a victim or refusing to take personal responsibility or any of that other shit.
I thought I was doing ok without them. I seemed to be getting into a rhythm, as it's been a little over a week now. But in the last couple days it's just been getting worse. I'm so so tired. I've been praying to not be such an insomniac but this is not what I meant.
Yesterday I went out to an event in the morning. I was so tired from it that I came home and took a 3 hour nap. Even after that I was barely able to stay awake and focus to study for my test.
Well today I was too tired to even get up to take the test. Part of the problem was that I had horrible nightmares last night. I dreamt of being back with the ppl who hurt me. In the dream it was after things had happened and I was trying to make my way upstairs but my whole body hurt so bad I could barely move. I tried to will my body to go but it wouldn't. I woke up simultaneously sobbing in pain and feeling like I was going to puke. It felt like everything hurt but at the same time I couldn't explain exactly what hurt. I have a very high pain tolerance and yet this was unbearable. Finally after enough pain meds (don't worry, I asked a friend what I could take to make sure I didn't OD) and some panic meds that I thankfully still have left, I was able to settle myself down. Once settled I lay down on the couch and managed to sleep through my entire test. I was so so deep asleep that I kept briefly waking up wondering where I was and then falling back to sleep again. I slept all day which meant missing my test, standing up this guy that has been incredibly nice to me and that I had promised I'd help, missing my meeting that I probably really needed, and missing my hockey game that I was really, really excited about. I managed to be awake long enough to shower and eat but that's about it.
This is so horribly not fair. I've worked way too hard to watch my life disappear in front of me like this.
When I am awake I switch between horrible pain and anxiety attacks and feeling like i'm going to die. The pain is still this weird, inexplicable hurts everywhere and yet nowhere thing. It's like my whole body is just unbelievably uncomfortable. and it's starting now so i need to go back to laying down and see if I can sleep for real (not just dozing on the couch). I do have one thing to be grateful for. This is showing me that I do in fact want to live because i'm not feeling like giving up and i'm not wanting to quit. I'm just so fucking angry because this is taking away the life that i've built. But in a sense that's good because it's showing me how badly I want that life.
I don't want to get political on here but I just gotta say...if you're one of those people against health care for all, please, please give it a second thought. Call me selfish, but a person should not have to be in this much pain solely because of money (or lack thereof)! I'm working my ass off, I just don't have money right now because I'm in school, so I can't work full time. I'm definitely not lazy or being a victim or refusing to take personal responsibility or any of that other shit.
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